Frustration

I haven't been able to sleep well for a minute now.  This morning I woke up and was still out of it, annoyed.  Got up at 3:30a to do my daily work out and was so frustrated, feeling defeated.  I've found myself feeling resentful and jealous.  Why?  Because my dreams have yet to come to fruition.  I see the people around me, those I love most doing it, being it.  But me...not so much.  I felt fraudulent.  I have all of these visions and ideas and still...nothing.  Nothing has come to life.  The webisodes that didn't pan out, different people who have flaked on projects, miscommunication and there's me.  What if this never happens?  What if I'm all talk and no show.  I can't stand those people but what if I'm one of them?  I am not a hater but I felt a disheartened part of me growing inside.  This ish is so important to me, of the utmost importance but nothing seems to be coming.  I am trying so damned hard.  Knocked on so many doors, done so much research...What am I supposed to do?  

Sitting in my trainer's car after I told him I had to leave, he talked me back down to reality.  He told me to take a deep breath and to just. breathe.  I shared my anger and frustration through tears.  Why can't I make it happen?  I'm 28 years old and feel like I have nothing to show for my love of what I aspire to do.  He told me that just like I told him a few days prior that I have to keep going.  That I have so much to be thankful for and to remember that.  He told me that I don't know the actual course of action that will take place to get me there but that place is still where I'm going.  I just have to continue to forge ahead.  He said, when they do the "True Story of..." are they gonna say "oh, she struggled for a year or 2 but everything was ok"?  That won't inspire people.  He reminded me of the people I give my love and support to, including himself.  The people I don't let fall.  He turned the mirror on me and showed me my true self.  The happy positive self, he reminded me of all that I've done and showed me that glass that wasn't half full at all.  It's nearly full.  Then, we saw a falling star.  Wow.  I had to laugh and smile. :)  

I have to fight my tendency to stress that which I don't have control over.  What I do have control over is how hard I push and for how long I'll go.  So, I'm remembering to remember that I've decided this path (or is it the path that chose me? lol).  And that I really am grateful for everything and everyone, including the people who don't want to be involved.  When I think I can't give anymore I have to go even harder.  And for how long?  Until the wheels fall of this thing.  Like Diddy circa '97 and beyond, "Can't stop, won't stop."  hahahahaha 

 

You can go hard or go home.  Choose your own adventure.

100.

Bright

Love Your Haters

Image by: Michael Louis Young

"How do I gain your favor?

I need to know because I care.

I need you to love me, I swear....

...I need you, stay there.

I breathe you like air." 

- "Hate" Jay-Z Feat. Kanye West

Dislikers.  Abhorers.  Haters.  You know them.  Maybe too well.  I've had my fair share...When I was in middle school, the teacher goes around the room to ask everyone what they wanted to be when they "grew up."  Everyone wanted to be doctors, lawyers, firemen...and that's cool.  When it was my turn, "an actress".  The whole class laughed.  "How is that funny?", I thought.  Now, I realize their minds couldn't wrap around anyone doing or being something different.  They were taught that or felt too ashamed to speak out about what they were feeling.  Not the kid, though.

I remember when I first moved out here and started working on videos.  When I was in high school I watched every single video that came out.  I could tell you who the director was before the credit line came up.  So, it was dope when I moved to LA to start work with some of them.  On one job in particular, I produced the pick up shot (when a key shot is missing for the storyline and they need to pick it up after the official shoot is completed).  It was cool to have the responsibility and I got another DP, film, talent, wardrobe, etc in 24 hours.  Things went off without a hitch.  Dope, right?  So, the director asks me if this is what I want to do.  "What is that?", I inquire.  "Produce", says the director.  "Oh, no.  Not really", I say.  "What are you interested in?" was the follow up question.  I say, with a slight smile, "Actually, directing."  The director cricketed (tm Bright) the crap out of me.  Not a word, and just walked away like we had never been conversing in the first place.  WOW.  I was stunned for a second.  I'd worked with this director several times and had developed a relationship.  Then, I thought, "WHEN I become a director, I'll never do that to someone."  Was I going to cry?  No.  Pack up my ish and go home?  Hell no.  This director was suffering from a sense of scarcity.  I feel really bad for people like that.  No one can take your vision or your voice away from you if it's truly yours.  You have nothing to worry about.

People who "hate" usually suffer from a host of things that have nothing to do with you, even or especially if they're your friend.  There's the usual envy/jealousy aspect.  Also, boredom or feeling unfulfilled overall with their own lives.  It truly doesn't matter what the reason.  Being aware of them is all you can do but I would caution against being overly suspicous.  That tends to yield a self fulfilling prophecy type situation.  If that person is your friend, address it directly.  No use in keeping crappy energy close within your circle.  There's a poem "Hater" by Maya Angelou, I just saw on Melody Ehsani's Blog (fresh designer).  

The best lines: 

"The problem I have with haters is that they see my glory, but they don’t know my story…
If the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, you can rest assured that the water bill is higher there too!"

I firmly believe that there are two types people you run into everyday all day.   People who show you how to be and people who show you how not to be.  That's it.  They're both very important.  I try to remember to tell people what I like about them, they'll continue to do more of that.  I work to help people move forward from the position they're in if I'm able.  We are all supposed to do more and be more.  Even if you're amazing at assisting me then it's time to move on, if that's what's in your heart.  You've filled that space.  Being able to understand that has allowed me to release that irritation that I get from the "how not to be" people.  I appreciate them.  Hell, I ran into the director after years and bought him a drink.  Sweet.

100.

Bright

Who's Bad?

"Out beyond the ideas of right doing and wrong doing there is a field and I will meet you there." - Rumi

There's a lot of talk about who should and shouldn't be revered.  Amber Rose, for instance, received a lot of flack and probably still does about who she is/was.  She's a stripper "turned" model with tatoos, short hair, shapely (she's got curves like real women do and some wish they had)...what is SHE doing being a model and no less in ELLE?!  The fact is, she is a force to be reckoned with because she has tenacity and the will and the courage to BE herself no matter what people think.  The same with Ye, you know the outspoken guy with so much to say, who is a "rapper" who made an album of singing songs, who wears sweaters, polos, leather, all white suits...ummm whatever he so chooses and who designs stuff for Louis Vuitton.  And there's Jay, the guy from Marcy who used to sell drugs, who grew up in the projects, who was accused of stabbing a guy in a club...who owns his own clothing label, is partnered with LiveNation, was the President of Def Jam, who is part owner of the Nets....  There's Oprah, who came from Mississppi, who built up her own brand including and not limited to a satellite radio station, television networks, a girls school in Africa, a magazine and is one of the most trusted names in, I would be so bold as to say, at least 85% of households in the US, not to mention abroad.  All of the aforementioned accolades are not the summation of the above's accomplishments but just a few.  These are people whose lives could have been ordinary or super crappy.  These are people who could have gone down a totally different path but (and that's a big BUT) they didn't.

"We accept the cards life gave us.  But we decide how to play." - Paulo Coelho via Twitter

They each made a decision to make their tomorrows bigger than their yesterdays.  What will you do with today? 

"Do, every day, ALL that can be done that day." - S.O.G.R.

I've taken the above statement very seriously.  The adage of "why put off until tomorrow what you can do today", is so real.  That's the difference between those who want to become and those who are.  It's in the little things that I accomplish that become bigger things.  How can I expect to be more in the here and now unless I am more right now.  Unless I fill the space that I have with maximizing my life and my potential every moment of everyday how will I really succeed?  It does not mean that I don't have fun; I went to a hockey game today.  I also took a 6 hour mentoring training class early this morning and met with a screenwriter right after, to get some mentoring of my own.  I still have a lot of growth ahead of me but as long as I see more successes in my days to come then my life as a whole is a success and I will be the embodiment of more.  If I do things half way then I will only be at 50%.  Here's to being 100 all the time.  

100.

Bright

"Who Do You Tell Your Stories To?"

Who do you tell your fears?  Your wishes?  The embarrassing crap that you'd soon forget buuuuut someone has to know.  lol  Who do you tell your daydreams?  One of my favorite things in the world is to daydream, seriously.  I trust my daydreams in the hearts of my friends.  A lot of mine are about success like when Oprah interviews us or when a magazine writes an article about us, photoshoots....  Sitting in the director's chair, MY director's chair on MY set.  Smiling and working with the crew and talent.  Of people not thinking that I'm a Director because of my stature and being even more surprised when they realize I'm a beast.  lol (sidebar: I'm so sincere about all of the above. ;) )  

I think daydreaming totally gets a bad rap.  Growing up, adults always make it seem or even say that daydreamers are listless, lazy, unfocused blah blah blah.  I love to daydream and over the past few years have allowed myself to do it more often.  Everyday in fact.  I find my vision has gotten stronger and I know more about myself.  Daydreaming isn't for suckers it's for... da-da-dada-dah... dreamers.  It's for people who change the world and invent stuff.  People who see life differently and want to make it different.  The fact is that daydreaming is actually the breeding ground for innovation, growth and success.  How else do people who are doing their "in the meantime/keep the bills paid" jobs keep sane while they go after their passion in their off time?  The cool thing about it is that when I share my daydreams I get to see them more clearly.  It's easier to put something into action when you can see what IT really is.  Sharing my stories with others helps to fuel my vision and feed my passion.  Through the practice I am able to articulate what I see in my mind's eye more effectively.  I dream amazingly big and I feel bad for people who think that it's too much because somewhere someone told them that daydreaming was for losers and they believed it.

100.

Bright

Motto I Live By

Live life to the fullest; don’t just do things just because.
Create something meaningful in life.
Become passionate about anything/anyone.
Mediocrity is for weenies, do something extraordinary, even if it goes unnoticed.
Try new things.
Laugh often, cry often...don't be afraid to feel.
Be myself even when it seems like the wrong thing to do.
Shine

Shak

100.

60 Days to Lose 10 lbs: Beginning August 31st, 2009

60 DAYS TO LOSE 10BLS:

Here's the thing about creating goals, first you have to start them (HARD AS HELL) and finally you have to complete them (EVEN MORE DIFFICULT).

Back in Jan of 08, I sat down with my Pops and wrote out my weight loss plans. It was simple, I wanted to lose weight to the tune of 45-50 lbs, I was a bit over 190 at the time. I actually created the goal not really to lose weight but rather to prove a point to my dad. I wanted to demonstrate that I could do whatever I wanted to do as long as I committed to it. Weight loss was something that seemed very difficult to accomplish. I remember running with a co-worker after work and it took me a little bit over an hour to run 3 miles. Having been a former athlete, I remember that feeling of being demoralized after the run.

After reading the scale and looking at it in total disbelief, I made a phone call on Jan 3, 08. I remember calling my girl Erica, a fitness psycho, to work out with me. Of course it was raining hard outside in sunny LA, and she declined the offer at 7AM. But I begged her to just come workout with me on that day. The crazy thing is it's been over a year and a half since that morning; and Erica hasn't worked out with me ever since. But I still owe her a lot for getting out of bed on that morning, that was the day I decided that I was going to change my mind about being stuck. After all being overweight, or being in a rut really has little to do with food at all. Usually it's something bigger that's holding us back, either a mental weight or block that keeps us from being who we really are meant to be. We never know who might help us take our first step.

Today is August 26th, 2009 and I woke up at 4:30 am as usual, ran a mile and a half at the gym and did about 500 situps, 5 different weight machines ect. Tomorrow I might be outside running hills or pulling tires with chains. But I can't help but look back and see the woman I used to be (in a word): STUCK. I think most of us have such a hard time just GETTING STARTED. We think of all the million and one reasons why we can't accomplish our goals. I remember thinking I'm too big to do these types of exercises. I'm too slow to run up the hill that many times. But the amazing thing about the human will is, over time, with one day at a time, those loud excuses become quieter until you can't hear them whisper to you anymore. Those are the voices that hold us back the most, the one's that we create.

P.S. STOP MAKING EXCUSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FOR THE RECORD: "I'M NOT A MORNING PERSON...I HATE GETTING UP IN THE MORNING". Just take the 1st step...join me Aug 31st. We'll keep each other inspired.

Shak

100.

Brilliance

I spoke with a friend the other day who is about to graduate from school regarding he plans for the future. THE FUTURE. She was thinking of spending a few years becoming acclimated with her back up plan and then going after her third choice of attending law school and only after completing that trying her hand at her true passion of becoming a journalist for a magazine. I asked why and she responded that it seemed like the most responsible thing to do. She could begin to get income in arenas where there was a route already laid before, it was all very a + b = c. Her passion’s route was a bit more vague or hazy in what the actual starting point would be or when exactly she would begin to gain fruit from her labor. Here’s the thing, she’s in her early 20’s with every possibility at her fingertips. She has the time and the energy to go after her passion, not now but right now. She can sustain a few bumps and bruises along the way in the vein of a learning curve with little to no long term impact; no mortgage, no husband, no kids. Why wouldn’t now be the most opportune time?

It reminded me of the convo Shak and I had earlier this week. She asked me if I felt I had more trouble with my vision or faith in my vision. I thought about it for a sec, “my faith”, I said. She thought it was the same and wondered why and what I thought that was holding me back. I think it’s that I worry that people won’t understand the stories I’m trying to tell. What if they don’t get it? She told me I was worrying about the “how” and that was basically futile. Then she asked me if there were any projects I had that I was really connected to.

I said, "Yeah, but I have to make my visions fit my means. I don't have the $$$ to produce those works." "Once again," she said, "you're worried about the wrong thing. Write the scripts and the $, equipment, and the WAY will present itself."

Geez, even after writing it again I feel so silly. I spend time visualizing, intending, being in my head where I see myself. Having the gratitude for attaining all of that I envision but my faith still sucks and I had no idea. I moved out here with pure certainty that things would be fine. There was no, and there still isn't, expiration date for attaining and accomplishing all. I'm afraid of what..I'm not sure. But that fear definitely exists because if it didn't my faith would be stronger. After telling Shak of the script that was the first story I knew through and through pretty much, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I even came up with another plot point. Dope. "Leaps of Faith" is on my vision board and I feel like I haven't taken one in a while. Faith is the belief in the unknown, it's coming to the ledge and believeing you'll sprout wings on the way down. hahahaha It's real, though. "A risk worth taking" is also on my board. Great risk only produces great results. These things I know in my head, they add up. My heart on the other hand is pounding inside of my chest. I know the greatness within continues to seep out and soon it will completely engulf me even as i traverse new heights. You cannot unring a bell, as the saying goes. You cannot profess to be great, be great and then decide wholeheartedly to be mediocre. It just doesn't work like that. To do that means certain death of your spirit. The thing about it is that certain way, that is who you now are. Really, it's just being who you were the whole time anyway. Are you afraid of your own brilliance?

100.

Bright