I'm not who you think I am

I’m an artist? WHAT? You got to be kidding me.


No matter what we do, we can only see so much of ourselves, especially when we’ve been living life according to someone else’s plan. And sometimes our friends or our family that “know” us well are comfortable with seeing us only under a certain light. So if you embark on figuring out who you really are and it looks very different than who you are today…MADAY…MADAY…you’re going to be under attack. Not just from friends and fam, oh no, your deadliest adversary is reading this blog write now. YOU!

At one point, maybe about 2 years ago I got the best advice from a co-worker at my current gig even though I didn’t ask for it. Don’t you love that? I was talking to a friend that sits next to me, telling her how it’s sooo weird that I always meet artists, especially right before they’re about to blow up. I told her how most of the guys I’ve dated are in the arts/entertainment world but I dismissed it to living in LA. I’ve often thought maybe it was just meant for me to assist creative talent. I had helped several people to date including students and friends alike. It’s funny how it never crossed my mind, not once, that just MAYBE I might have been one of those crazy, creative people. I remember going on and on, telling my homie that I just attracted talent for some odd reason regardless of where I worked. I could be at a bank and I would happen to find the one rapper, writer and model in the entire building. Even when I was a teacher, I was a magnet for the lunch time rappers and the school’s fashionistas.

That’s when my other co-worker cut me off. Apparently she was eavesdropping the whole time. Don’t you love the cubicle layout? Everyone and their mom can hear what you’re talking about. She first blurted out that I was in denial, and that the reason why I was always meeting artists and creative talent is that obviously I am an artist. Then she looked at me and said, “Why are you wasting your time here?” WOW. It’s not everyday that someone tells you who you are unapologetically. Well, actually people do it all the time, we just don’t listen. She wasn’t the first person to tell me that. It was just the first time I really heard it. Me=Artist I could never get that concept pass all the fuzz. You know, “Get a real job!”…”Oh, you left your real job to become an artist?”…
Hmm is that why I had left teaching to go into the music business? It always amazes me how strangers can see us plain as day but we set up smoke screens for ourselves. Ironically, over time, I had grown increasingly frustrated with the artists I worked with because they just wouldn’t commit to the path and GO ALL THE WAY. Maybe, I was really angry at me. And there she was before me, she was a mirror.

I had like one of those Twilight Zone moments where the room started to spin around me. LOL It’s a real painful eye-opener when you see yourself for the first time. It’s like coming out of hibernation, the light hurts at first. You start to think back to all these moments that defined when you were most happy and you wonder why you’ve been hiding from who you are.
But why was I so afraid to be the real me? Subconsciously by helping producers, rappers, skateboarders, football players, I was helping myself. And God was so generous to show me the talent that went all the way to the top. Sure I witnessed the starving artist but I also glimpsed happiness. We can only be who we are truly meant to be. I was pushing all the talent around me in order to push myself. If you want to find yourself…LOOK AROUND…see who you are. The path is all around you. WWWWWWWWWWAKKKKKKKKKKKKE UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!

Shak
100.

Organizing the Mind

I once heard something along the lines of a clean house is a reflection of one's mind.  I'm totally paraphrasing but that's the gist of it.  Upon returning from visiting my mom that's exactly what I set out to do.  I needed to clear my head and that began with my apartment.  Time out for keeping crap that I haven't used...ever.  Fortunately, I'm not into tchotchkes or else I'd be totally screwed.  lol  There are a few of my close friends, Shak included, that are really good and minimalizing and organizing their lives.  She totally has a place for everything and everything has it's place.  She has a really good rule about not keeping something around (especially clothes) if she hasn't used them in 6 months.  There are some people who are a bit OCD; I don't desire that necessarily, but I have to be better.  It was one of my recent determinations for my life.  I not only feel better but I can think better when I know where the hell things are.  Organization, is not my strong suit but it's about to be.  lol  

The best thing about the hours of work I put in yesterday is that I found some notes I'd written regarding ideas I've had.  I also found the very very original beginning of the script that I'm working on and all other subsequent notes pertaining to it.  I felt a surge of energy and recharged creatively.  I've been having a writer's block lately and it sucks!  That's why I decided to clear out my house so my brain could breathe better.  This purge is a way to get myself even more disciplined.  I used to feel like discipline was like being in prison.  Why can't I just do what I want when I want?  Well, what I am discovering is that without more discipline I cannot truly be prepared for success.  I am not where I want to be because I am not ready to capitalize on that winning opportunity just yet.  All is not lost... starting from today onward.  Everyday and every moment is about reaffirming my determinations.  It starts from the most minute to get to the grand.  They are one in the same, truly.  My thoughts and notes are now in one place and I am building on them currently.  I still have more work to do but I'm super close.  I love being a winner.  hahahahaha

100.

Bright

p.s.  My mom is much better now, thankfully.  The surgery was an uber success and she is now cancer free. :)

I'm Inspired By: The Oscars

Did you guys catch the Oscars? Usually I don’t watch awards shows because honestly, they’re quite boring.

But one thing that stood out was the “Legion of Extraordinary Dancers” performance. WOW! It was a breath taking performance that juxtaposed classical ballet with breaking and pop locking. It’s crazy to see that performance come to fruition. I remember going to school at Brentwood and I would get in trouble at the dances. I was told by the administration that I couldn’t bring anymore of my “outside” friends to the parties. Most of them were Hip Hop dancers, “housers” with backpacks, baggy clothes who performed crazy flips. The message I got was that Hip Hop was neither welcomed in the gym dances or in the “modern” ballet classes. But that was in 93. Even worse was citing rap lyrics on English term papers when comparing Shakespeare or Arthur Miller. My teachers had no frame of reference for the poetry and so they dismissed it. Actually they completely dissed it.

And then there it was…break dancing at the Oscars. It made me want to cry. Hip Hop is no longer the language of the edge-dwellers and has gone main stream for some time. But to see it in its infinite grace and beauty at the awards; I was floored. I think we take it for granted. But I remember when it was just something that “those kids” did, including me. But what would the world look like without Hip Hop? Would Obama be president? Think about that for a minute.

Shak
100.

Creativity...Who needs it?

Creativity according to Yay:
http://www.kanyewest.com/2010/03/02/creativity/

My response to him (below)


Most of the world never questions anything, and they damn sure don’t question anything about themselves. It’s sooo much easier to point fingers. People don’t know why they wear the shirt on their back or why they style their hair the way they do. They don’t even know why they sit for 2-3 hours in the church they have chosen. For the creative, it’s painful to go with the flow, to fit into a particular mold of patterns.


Being comfortable is never comfortable; the creative never fits in; perhaps a swig of Jack soothes the pain…

I think that’s why I like to dream in barren landscapes. The possibility to create is immensely infinite. Where there is already structure; opinions and facts about those structures have been created. Where there is trash and waste, there is only room for beauty and boundless options. And most important, when trash is transformed into beauty, the landscape is not only transformed but the inhabitants are rid of their inner waste. Creating something from nothing, like Ye says, is magic. I’ve seen it produce the most unlikely results, fruit even.

But without belief, creativity is useless. Don’t lose your belief Ye…keep your faith. The world’s evolution depends on dreamers.


Shak
100.