I'm Inspired by the Shepherd

He forgot about the Shepherd...that's me!!!!  The price of being a Shepherd is great burden.

Super Dope Blog...if you're looking to take risks in life, the good kind of course.  http://gapingvoid.com/

EXCUSES!

Excuses...everyone has one.



Excuses are monuments of nothing that build bridges to nowhere. Those who use these tools of incompetence are masters of nothing.


I’m no longer going to say, “I don’t have time to write because of my day job.” I’m going to create every day even if it’s for 15-30 minutes. I’m going to keep a note pad by my side and just get to writing. I’m also going to buy a freakin recorder because sometimes the dialogue comes so fast I CAN’T write it out in time.


As for the actual creation of products such as my greeting cards, short films and books; I’m going to set aside 30-60 min every other night right after soaking in the tub to CREATE. I get most of my inspiration and ideas in the tub or while driving. That way I can start small and build a dependable system. On the weekends, I’ll dedicate one day for 1-3 hours to create. 

Hmmm...I already feel better.

Shak
100.

Taking the Jump

I’m speaking to a professional group of writers this Saturday about “jumping” out and pursuing their goals. All of my other speaking engagements have been with kids so this will be interesting. Kids tend to still believe they can become whatever is possible or impossible in life. But adults are a different breed; they have learned the rules of the “real world” which declare that pursuing dreams is a most hazardous occupation. Out of the group of writers, many write consistently, and a few are published, but most haven’t “put themselves out there”. I don’t know all that it takes to be considered a “talented professional” writer. However, in my experience, the most talented people are usually never discovered because they just sit and wait for something to happen to them.



And it’s understandable to take the “sit and wait” approach because it isn’t scary, it’s comfortable. Being a writer, unlike being a teacher, psychiatrist or doctor doesn’t have a prescribed path. Who wants to go from 0 to 1 and jump towards a goal whole-heartedly when there is no safety net? Personally, I know that one day I want to fully develop my own creative company, period. But like the writers, I’m preparing for the jump. For me, the contest was somewhat of a test run. Could I plunge towards a goal with no guarantee and put myself out there? But in order to become a “jumper”, I think it’s like anything else it takes practice. It’s like a dude who gets all the women; he’s had years of becoming immune to rejection by constantly putting himself on the line. And so, he’s able to navigate the most treacherous waters of women; and he ends up being with the woman he wants to be with not the woman who he can just “get”.


What’s even scarier about pursuing dreams is people start to hold you accountable for your actions right out the gate. Not to mention, when you fall short there are folks waiting to point out that you haven’t succeeded. And it isn’t no doubt that you’re going to fall it’s just how many times. Because while you’re still learning your bound to make mistakes on an unchartered path. It’s hilarious motivational gurus will say success is falling down 7 times and getting up 8. But who wants to fall in the first place? It HURTS when you fall down and every time is harder to get up. So why would anyone in their right mind want to jump out and pursue their goals? Furthermore why would anyone set a dream goal beyond their immediate reach?


To me it’s simple it’s called LIVING. Flowers bloom, birds jump the nest, trees bear fruit…it’s natural evolution to produce more and to want to grow. So even though folks who “jump” may suffer more initially; they have the satisfaction of truly living life. Besides, nothing to me is as painful as staying still, that’s a lose/lose, there’s no chance for success.

Shak
100.

F.E.A.R.

F.E.A.R. = False Evidence Appearing Real.  

- Hill Harper

I am not afraid of most things.  I cannot wait to jump out of a plane.  I wasn't afraid to go to Jordan.  I'm really not afraid of dying.  I like going places by myself.  No problem going to dinner alone.  The movies by myself = cool with me.  I am afraid of failure.  I am afraid of not winning at being a director.  I have been going through this whirlwind of emotions and thoughts... So many thoughts.  I am unhappy with my current job.  Not because of the people I work with.  I think they're awesome.  My job is stressful but it's exciting.  The hours are ridiculously long (think 80+ hour work week) but I get to see cool stuff.  I mean in the span of 2 months alone we worked with a live elephant, rhino (yes, a real live rhino!) and Danica Patrick (cooler than a fan).  My problem, my frustration is that I am helping to put out other people's dreams, not my own.  My home is a safehouse for dreamers who grind...My sister, her best friend Sakinah, my friend Damani, my friend Shawn....  These are all people who have made the leap and I love them for it.  But not me.  I haven't made the jump to go after what I want 100%.  For the third time in my life, I feel alone.  I see myself standing at the top of the cliff and watching all of the people I love and admire and brainstorm with one by one smile at me, turn to look at the cliff and take a running jump.  They disappear from my sight for a second and reappear with wings.  They motion for me to come.  "It's ok...it's easy", they say.  But I'm paralyzed.  I look over the edge and wonder if my wings will sprout, too, or am I not special enough.  Maybe they're different than I am, maybe they're better, more talented.  I have tears in my eyes now because I want it so badly and I am ashamed of my lack of confidence, faith, belief.  Where did it all go?  This is NOT me, I feel like an alien in my own skin, in my own mind.  When I found out my mom had cancer, it exacerbated my anxiety.  I felt like time was running out.  I have to show her that she did an amazing job.  She did the right thing.  Prove to her that everything she has gone through having us was a winning move.  "I just wanna be, I just wanna be successful...." keeps playing in my head.  My vision is blurred and I'm having difficulty tapping into the source.  I go go go but feel like I'm running in circles.  What's funny is that when I moved out to LA 5 years ago, I was not afraid in the very least.  I left every person who knows and loves me to make that leap by myself.  I moved clear across the country to fulfill my life's mission without one ounce of nervousness.  This jump somehow seems greater.  And it is, in a sense...This is the most important decision I have had to make to date.  I know that I am prepared and that the people who love me will love me always no matter what happens.  In my heart I know that I will be ok but my mind, my inner hater, tells me I'm not ready yet, that I don't have what it takes.  Fuck you, hater.  Seriously.  

"...let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself"

-Franklin D. Roosevelt

That's so real.  So, what am I going to do?  I get into this cycle with work where I need to pay my bills so I work but then I'm exhausted.  Tapping into my creativity after not utilizing it at all feels impossible.  I have to remember to make the things that matter most to me a priority.  That means praying, writing and shooting.  This also means that I will buy myself a new computer so that I can upload footage to work on editing to improve my vision.  I will budget money better so that I don't have to take every job that comes my way because of some wack scarcity mentality.  This will allow me to stay in the creative mindset longer to actually see my vision clearly and create it.  Making this decision is an act of faith.  I have been extraordinarily protected and will only have the opportunity to win if I truly tune in and take care of me.  That's what I'm here for anyway.  Besides, this site isn't called "Inspire the Wackness/Complacent/Fearmonger", so I'm going to leap.  I have to...I owe it to myself.  I'm going all in because I'm sure as hell not going home.  

100.


Bright

The Obstacles Are Within

   
Be careful what you put out into the universe…sometimes it comes back the very next day. Most folks complain that they aren’t manifesting things, but the truth is their thoughts are so scattered they can’t see the patterns. I realize I’m creating things as I go along, some amazing moments and some challenging obstacles.

     In my mind, this weekend was going to be AMAZING. I had a hilarious short film lined up, a play performance and a photo shoot for a modeling contest. I mean what could possibly go wrong? This is the life I’ve envisioned living, well sort of.
     Right before I left work on Friday, I put up a blog on the modeling contest. I had reservations about posting it because of how strongly opinionated it was. BUT being true to who I am, a staunch optimist, I was sick and tired of hearing about all of the complaints and crying about the contest. It is true that towards the end of the contest, votes were severely chopped because of counterfeit votes. It’s also true that on the last day, voters couldn’t vote because the system prematurely shut down for 3 hours but the company extended the votes later in the day. Folks were REALLY frustrated, and I thought I was offering another way to look at the bigger prize. Many women felt wronged. They wanted to vent and to blame the company for their lost. Maybe my timing for posting the blog was really bad and I’m starting to feel like Kanye…alien. It made me think of when I was trying to tell Bright about looking at the pattern of her loosing her keys. She immediately cut me off and said now is not the time. I mean she was still stranded and was working on a solution for getting her keys.
     I wrote a blog piece to the women about embracing the process itself. I said all we can do in this contest and in LIFE is to give our BEST. However, I personally feel that we should get upset with ourselves and each other when we are slacking, when we are not doing enough. But that’s not what people do. It’s CRAZY to me, instead we complain and we become disappointed when we finally get off the sideline, and start striving and fall short of our goal. WTF???? YOU’VE JUST BEGUN! You don’t know what you’re doing so you’re going to make mistakes. And when you strive to become more, you’re probably not going to get it right the first time, you might but it’s unlikely. That’s so UNREASONABLE.
     When you actually DO something and give a GREAT attempt, you become disappointed with one failure. WHY? Where are the tears, where are the complaints for doing nothing and living dormant? Why don’t people get upset and disappointed for doing NOTHINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG? That’s when you should be angry, that’s when you should point fingers but make sure they point at yourself. Sorry, I’m going on my rant again. But it really pisses me off.  I also said something like: real life has obstacles and they seem to come right before our biggest moments but we can’t give up. WHY, I repeat on the loudest bull horn, why did I write that? And so unknown to me at that moment, I had called forth a series of obstacles for the weekend that were quite major. And I was going to be put to the TEST.
     My weekend became a mirror of that written piece. I woke up Saturday morning super juiced about filming, incredibly grateful that the entire concept and piece came to me while sitting in a bathtub days earlier and while talking with Bright on Thursday. We went back and forth and it seemed like a dope collabo. I felt like I was on fire again like when I created the hip-hop curriculum.
     Saturday morning, I’m up at 5 am about to work out, getting ready for the day. But then I got a call two hours later. A friend of mine, close to me is asking for do-re-mi for BAIL money. WHAT??? Is this the same person who didn’t believe in me participating in the modeling contest? I had two hours before Bright and her boy were setting up at my crib. We talked back and forth for about an hour. I decided NOPE, not going to aid a negative situation or a negative person who I love. And I cried about my decision for 30 minutes. I felt HORRIBLE inside, his dreams where going to be delayed...big dreams.  Why do we sabotage ourselves? 
     Lights…camera…action! Bright and her friend arrive with tons of lighting equipment, props, and snacks. Oh did I mention I’m playing a funny character? I’m a bit surprised, in my mind I thought there was going to be maybe one light, dude’s camera and us just working out the script…filming in order to work out the kinks of the characters. But who knew? I mean it’s super cool we have an actual set, we’re official and best of all Bright got it for free .99.
     It’s around noon on Saturday…Bright is looking at the script I sent her a day earlier, oh I forgot to mention, I wrote out the script Friday at 2pm, and revised it at 6pm. And it’s SATURDAY!!! At around 1:30 pm I really look at it for the first time. I’m asking her questions, but she’s in a super, serious mode like she’s at work. She’s revising the script. I’m starting to panic, wondering how are we going to work out the script and shoot when we haven’t even run lines? I mean I want to take advantage of the set but we haven’t even read together. My call time for the stage is at 6pm. My mind is all over the place but I try to focus. I use all the negative energy and channel it into my character…I begin acting nervous. My character is a wreck…a conspiracy theorist.
     It’s working…I forget about my morning call and I embrace Jasmine. We run lines till about 5:30 pm, we’re laughing and having a good time and then I’m off. From 6pm -10 pm I’m at Stage 52. I also have a dinner scheduled that evening. I get home at 1:30 am and fall asleep talking with Bright about the film till around 2 am.
     I’m up at 8 am, eating b-fast, trying to focus. I feel the pressure starting to take a toll. I’m in a modeling contest and I haven’t even got my hair done, I’m going to look 100 years old. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
     They’re back at the house to film and it’s 10 am when they arrive. I’m thinking there is no way in hell I can memorize an entire scene in 3 hours without having hardly any time to “become” my character. I mean the script was written yesterday!  I think about my friend, is he in jail now? No phone calls….damn maybe I should have helped him. Why are we rushing? This is supposed to be fun.
     We film the opening shot several times…it’s now around 11:30, the pressure is building. I think well maybe we can do this…nope not really. I give a suggestion that we should continue this next week because her friend will be in town or maybe we can do this another time. This is silly we should just call it a day; this is supposed to be a freaking, fun project. It’s getting harder for me to remember the lines I’ve just memorized. What’s happening? What’s the rush? What the hell is going on? Last take…I’m feeling drained, we barely get the shot. I don’t feel good about my performance today. It’s rushed, it’s sloppy. I didn’t get to work any kinks out. I’m off to perform again, stage time.
     We discuss close up shots, I know it’s a LONG shot. I ask my hairdresser can she do my hair Monday, I’m trying to give my best. I mean after all Bright got lights, props and her boy is filming. My beautician says no way. She’s made an exception to open the shop for me on Sunday as it is. I call Bright she’s disappointed, she really wanted to finish.
     And then it happens, my reaction. Up until that point, I had imagined this scenario so differently. I thought about working out the clothes of the character Jasmine and her nervous mannerisms. I thought about creating, pretending and having fun. Creating had become stressful and not about the creation but about the finished product. I was starting to feel resentful. I wasn’t able to give my best as a performer.
     I blow up on the phone. I’m resentful for creating; the play's cast tells me to leave the dressing room, rightfully so because I'm killing thier vibe.  I’m angry…I feel exhausted, used up…and RUSHED. I’m on the competitive playing field now, HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? I just wanted to create. I just wanted to have fun. I feel like I’m not ready yet. I’ve been here before.
     I leave the stage running to my car, I have a hair apt and thankfully it goes very well, it’s only me inside and it’s quiet, it’s peaceful. I try to relax. She has a brow kit too which is great because I had no time to get my eyebrows waxed. I leave the shop at 8:30 pm. I talk with Bright and tell her how I feel. We both realize there was a big misunderstanding about the shoot. I get to my house for 8:45 and the lights are still up. Bright’s boy makes adjustments and then she starts shooting. It’s almost 10:30. We don’t have all the shots we need but we’re both exhausted. She has to be up for 4:30 on a commercial the next day. I feel bad that she’s still at my house working.
     I take off of work, can’t move…totally drained. I wake up at 10 am and my dad comes over to bring me cereal. There is no milk. HA! I log on to take the modeling survey. Finally, I can focus on this project. The page reads the modeling survey has been canceled. HUH? How can this be? I am still within 72 hours. I’ve done the most to prepare for this moment. Or have I? I remember loosing out on the reality show Ultimate Hustler…it comes back in a flash. I was out the night before until 4:30 am with a rapper who I wanted Dame to meet, Bishop Lamont. I was out hustlin' while the other contestants were sleep.  How could this happen again?
     I feel defeated. But I realize defeat is when we stop. I email the company and ask them if there is a mistake. They tell me they will get back to me. I hear nothing….ALL DAY. I can’t panic. My dad starts complaining, going on a rant about how it’s B.S. for a company to shut down the survey...blah, blah, blah. He sounds like many of the girls in the contest, how ironic. I politely ask him to be quiet…I have to center myself. There is too much noise all around me. I recognize it now. I’m closer than I thought there are all these obstacles appearing.
     I take two baths on Monday each time asking God for more focus and for patience. I can not afford to think about the obstacles, it is but an illusion. The truth is there are no obstacles only love, only peace, and only success. I’m mentally exhausted, I’ve ran a mental marathon. I’m meeting my trainer at 2 pm for lunch. Maybe I can get my mind off of the contest. He tells me he won’t be there for an hour. I go to coffee bean for a sugar free mocha, they don’t except Discover Card. I take a deep breath.
     I give them my ATM from my other bank knowing there is no money in it. I’ve lost my main ATM card. Next, I kill time at the Car Wash they tell me their card machine is down. I have no cash. I call my dad; he brings me to my bank (thank god for this man). I use my Credit Card to pull out cash, at least my Coffee Bean purchase will not bounce. I’m happy but fighting the urge to call it quits. I just want to sit down and cry.
     My car is clean. I arrive at Sizzler and have a great conversation. I vent…but not too much, I don’t want to complain. I don’t want to give in just yet. I go back home. I look up the modeling blog post, and under my blog are a series of rants. Curse words, explosive words directed towards me. Was my post positive? Or was it seeded in competition? Could it be misconstrued as non-compassionate? I remember the email with Bright and Clarence about non-believers. He said I need more compassion towards others.
     I told him the world needs more belief. I feel alien again. People want to blame the world for their failures; they do not want to look within. I refuse to take that route, I gave my all…I’m exhausted. I’m confused. I feel like I don’t want to create anymore…it comes lightening fast, and never ends well; maybe I’m not ready to harness its power. I’m afraid I’m going to lose my fire, my inspiration again. It will leave me if I’m not grateful. I think of Jewel’s, the singer’s mom; she told Jewel that she would have to get ready for the world’s energy. People would want more and more of her energy. And if she wasn’t ready and prepared for it, it could destroy her. I smile, and think of Anakin from Star Wars.
     I arrive today at work it’s Tuesday. My daily inspiration says, “How do you react to setbacks?” I can’t help but to laugh. “The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” ----MLK It sounds like the blog I’ve written for the contest. Maybe, these tests are helping me get to my next stage.
     I keep reading the daily emails, next up “surrounding yourself with the right people”. It mentions folks who belittle your ambitions…hmmm, I’m glad I make my decision about my friend, or perhaps friend isn’t the correct word. He never believed in anything I was creating because he didn’t believe in himself. But I do have compassion for him, it hurts me that he ruined his chances probably right before his big break.  Those who live off thier passion do that...we never see ourselves worthy of reaching our goals.  Finally, there is an inspirational message about “giving it your all”. You’ve got to be kidding me. It says to forget the past mistakes and press on. I think about the Science of Getting Rich and how it says an apparent failure means you haven’t asked enough.
     Wait!!!! I realize I’ve sent the wrong headshots to the contest. My bra strap is showing. Oh well, it is what it is. This is kinda hilarious actually. I’m doing too much and making mistakes. I’m only supposed to do a day’s work in a day. Duh! I gotta pick that book back up. I did wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too much this weekend, I created too many road blocks for myself and for what?
     It’s Tuesday, the modeling folks just hit me. They’re giving me another chance to take the survey. I’m still in the running.  Maybe I should resend the photos.
     Tonight I’m taking a bath with candles and prayer. I have to silence the obstacles within me. We really don’t understand our own power.  I know I don’t…yet. I’m still a jedi in training.

Shak
100.

Creation

Why so few? Why so few of us? Why so few of us? The pain sometimes is too much...when words offered with kindness are met with swords, the blades hurt, they cut deep. I only weep because of their lack of belief. their undeveloped understanding. they believe only what they can see. so they create more misery. where are the dreamers?

I wonder why so many make a hell of heaven? And they blame the world...they want to see it burn, they want to see others fall, it makes their pain hurt a little less. NO ONE WANTS TO GROW WINGS.

I want to stay strong...see my visions through. But when you smile too long, they start to question you. Why so much sunny disposition? they make a mockery of light. to wish others well is unbelievable. i'm tired of dumbing down, they listen, they talk back when you complain, ...but it hurts more than trying to fly.

Where am I? Laughter is drowned out by yelling. I can feel their fear...they don't feel adequate, they don't feel like they're enough. I feel alien. Sometimes I just cry when I can't bear it. The hustle...the hustle...the hustle...i want to stop and quit but my spirit won't let me.

creativity come effortlessly but it's not mines. I wish others could join me...become creators. We hurt what we're not...we live with fear. we squeeze other's fruit because we cannot plant our own seeds. I can barely hear the music now...just whispering, threatening words and gossip. Don't they know that words have power? I'm tired of slowing down, I try to help them, reach out...but that makes things worse. they resent me for it. where am I?

those who DO mainly follow patterns they don't try to figure out their own EQUATION...it's so much easier to point fingers...i see their sneers with my heart. it makes me sad. why so much life with no living? why can't i just be a simple formula? when you blend in no one sees you, you add up like everyone else...i hope I'm close, the obstacles are getting harder. i'm tired.
i've seen unicorns fly once but I'm the only one...becoming more is lonely. there are lines wrapped around preying on our mistakes, they live to see us fail. the critics..who needs them? i can't fly with this much weight, i want to leave the ground. no jack daniels can numb who I AM...I AM WHO I AM.

Shak
100.

Believing in the Unseen = Faith

I'm inspired by Clarence, thanks for the blog post:
http://aconvowithgod.blogspot.com/2010/04/universal-law-of-faith.html


Most of us never put ourselves “out there”. What that means is we don’t go after particular goals because we don’t believe we can obtain them. Before we can go after something, we must first believe it’s possible and have faith. I realize that most people’s so called “lack of work or effort” is really a direct reflection of their lack of faith. When we do not believe it is impossible for us to act. We later blame our unproductive lives on a lack of opportunities but opportunities are everywhere, in plentitude.
 
I received a call from a friend to enter a modeling contest online. Now what I didn’t know is he told about 25 of his girl friends on Facebook. 2 of us decided to enter. The other contestant entered and said that she had been a finalist in their previous contest years ago. I could definitely see why she had just cause to enter the contest again. Now on paper I’m only 5’4, and far from thin (I like to think I’m wonderfully curvy) so becoming an industry model wasn’t exactly something I was planning to become. But it just so happened that this particular contest was about hair and facial attributes which means height was a non-factor and so was weight to a certain extent. It made me realize that there is always a particular way to do almost anything even goals that seem very restricted or incredibly limiting.

In my friend's blog, he talks about one woman's faith. More specifically, he talks about a biblical story in which a woman in need of healing approaches Jesus. When she finally sees Jesus in the crowd, she makes a decision she is going to touch him, and she also "knows" that she is going to be healed. But that makes me wonder several things. What made her know that she was going to be healed? Did she make that decision beforehand, that if she ever saw Jesus, she would touch him regardless of who was there and she would become healed? There is a Universal Law…it’s proven in religion and physics that “what goes towards comes towards”.

It’s the scientific law of cause and effect. The issue is most people don’t realize that the cause is our thoughts or more specifically, our original decision to go after a particular goal. In my situation, the cause was making a definite decision to enter the contest. The effects are all the actions that happened after that decision. The woman in the story decided she was going to be healed, and so it happened.

Most of us like to think that things “just happen” to us. We think we are born lucky or born fated to disaster. Wrong.

Once I decided to enter, I then ACTED upon that initial decision, immediately. I sent out an email to all my folks and then I sent out a link on facebook to get people to vote for me. This was the scariest part. I had no idea what was going to happen next. But it was too late. I had already acted upon my decision. This is where I encourage people who are going after a particular goal to do something that makes them commit to their decision. The best way to do this is to tell other people about it. If I had waited to send out the email another day, my inner hater would have destroyed me (fear is no joke). I started thinking limited thoughts right after I sent out the email. “What if no one votes for me?” “What if folks don’t think I should be a model?” "It's just an online contest, is it worth any effort?"

But it was too late…I had already sent it. And the next two days something crazy happened, I was part of the Top 8 immediately. I was totally surprised. And then my co-worker told me something that I’ve told myself over these past 3 months. He said, “If you’re going to go after something, you might as well decide you’re going to win at it and be successful.” And, throughout this whole competition, not one person has ever said, “I don’t think you should have entered”. Imagine that! But most of us…oh no we totally sabotage our best intentions. We don’t say that we’re winners. Instead we say things like “I’m just going to enter the contest and see what happens. I don’t really care anyways.” "I'm not going to go after (fill in the blank) because I don't think I can do it. And if I try it, and I fail, people will think I'm stupid."

From the beginning, I decided my plan of action would be to send out 2 emails per week to my friends/fam and to send a daily reminder on facebook, in order to remain in the TOP 20. It started out WONDERFUL (beginner’s luck huh), I was part of the Top 8, then the Top 10, later the Top 20…but then I fell off completely after 3 weeks. My dad called me and said you need to do more. But I was already executing my plan. Maybe I needed to give more in my emails, so I started incorporating stories. More phone calls came in to let me know I wasn’t part of the “Top” group anymore. YIKES! I started to panic, but I realized that I was doing everything in my capacity to act upon my goal. Then came the inner hater, "Relax, it's just a contest!" You can quit now and know one will really care that you started it". Or I could just believe that I was going to be in the Top 20, after all, I had put forth effort.

A week later, I walked into work, and someone yelled out to me, “Hey Shak, you’re number 6! What did you do over the weekend?” I was FLOORED. I couldn’t believe it. Did more people start voting for me? Was their a glitch in the matrix? Or….

The next month, the same thing happened. I was holding on to #19 for dear life and then I was bumped off completely. Now there were over 1000 women in the contest, and my friends let me know that there were billboards up everywhere. Folks at my job told me they heard about the contest over the radio. I wanted to panic again…but I was dealt with this just a month ago. I was sticking to my initial plan of action. I didn’t want to inundate my friends with any more emails and I didn’t want to fall into a competitive mind set. I decided I was going to just wait and relax. (BTW, I never sent messages on facebook like “PLEASE VOTE FOR ME NOW, I NEED YOUR VOTES BECAUSE I’M ABOUT TO LOSE MY SPOT”). I always sent messages thanking people for all of their help. I decided in the beginning that I would only send out positive messages of thanks and no messages of panic.

Last week, I bumped up to number 8 from 23/24. Now, I have no reasonable explanation for why this happened as I’m not that skilled and savvy to have a reporting system that captures all of the votes. But I was nonetheless really pumped by the results. And what was to come next?

More obstacles…most recently, I’ve had a few folks close to me, hate on this endeavor, underhandedly of course. In the past, I would act secretly towards a goal without telling anyone because of fear of these types of obstacles. But with this goal it is impossible to not “put oneself out there”. My friend asked, “What are you going to win again?” in a condescending tone. “When is it over? Wow, that’s a long time for just a contest.” I was actually offended and hurt. But one thing I’m learning through the process is to remain detached personally from others, thanks Bright. We only give off to others what we feel inside. And so we should not take what others say about us personally, although it is hard to do when we care about people.

I’m convinced by simply DECIDING to go after our initial goals we become changed, we become more, and some of us become believers. We gain the ability to really have faith in the unseen. There are now 1240 women in the contest, I’m number 14 which in mathematical terms, I’m part of the 1% group. How awesome is that?

With only 2 days left, I’m going over my initial reason for entering the contest. Initially, I thought whoooo hooooo, with $5,000 I can do this and that like take a lil trip and film some material. I also thought, I could use the contest itself to promote the plays I’m in…but something else happened. I ended up writing stories, and sharing them with people. And now I look forward to writing stories, it’s not about the contest or the play, how about that? God is so clever. I received so many responses over the past 3 months, I feel like I’ve already won a major prize. We never know how we find our paths you know. We just have to submit to the process and stay open. We often say I won’t do this or that but we can be blocking the very thing that brings us joy. We have to fight fear DAILY or else we end up doing much of the same which is often not doing much of anything.

P.S. http://www.thegreatmodelsearch.com/profile.asp?CustomerID=23

Shak
100.

Getting Here...

Alternatively entitled:
"Capitalizing on an Opportunity: Part 1"

 

This is part one of this particular part of the journey.  Recognizing that being patient is a major quotient of the process of getting the opportunity.(Thanks, Caleb :) )  My major frustration as of late has been where I'm not.  I get so worked up over not being where I want to be right now that I know I'm not being as grateful as I should be for where I am currently.  Being grateful for my current surroundings doesn't equate to wanting to be here in this space forever.  It just means that I have to remember to remember (once again) to appreciate every aspect of this process.  Being here in this moment is preparing me for when that opportunity presents itself.  I find myself trying to force the moment, trying to make it happen...if only I do this then yadda yadda yadda will finally take place.  That, however, is not the divine nature of things.  All of these experiences will allow me to appreciate that moment even more when it arrives.  

I had a wonderfully inspired thought last week while guess where..in the shower.  So, I was thinking that I could begin to make a name for myself shooting music videos for major artists without them and post them on youtube.  I could get really good actor friends to impersonate them for me and get my ideas out.  I know a slew of choreographers and dancers, too.  My ideas are really good fantastic and artists will start to contact me to do their real videos for them.  Even if that doesn't happen I will create a following online and people will seek me out to direct things for them anyway.

This recognition has given me the chills..the good kind.  Seeing that vision...I feel it..I'm already there...I see it...I'm a director!  I'M A DIRECTOR!!!  It finally became crystal clear to me.  I saw that the reason I had to go through all of these years being here, working the way that I did to get to this point is so that I would NEVER have to work for anyone else as a director.  I could start my own company straightaway with all of my contacts that I've acquired to date. I can do what I want, create what I want.  I just have to remember that I'm not a failure unless I stop trying and that's never going to happen.

100.

Bright