While I Was Out... Part 1

So, I've been m.i.a. for a minute now and I wanted to talk about it.  I was feeling pressure to create something dope &/or profound or ultra insightful.  But pressure from who?  Shak?  The blog gods?  lol  Nope.  As I break it down it seems quite ludicrous because it's me.  I felt like in order to share I had to have had some epiphany or something amazing happen.  The truth is that has all happened and I still know I don't know or get everything 100%, although I'm really trying to. lol  I felt like I needed to have some long involved story to share in order for a post to be meaningful but I realized just now (seriously, just now) that's not it at all.  As long as it's honest then it's meaningful to me, anyway, and maybe someone else out there in the cosmos.  :)  

In 2010, I came to truly understand that I'm as much a Producer as a Director, jumped out of a perfectly good plane, did a triathlon, fell in love, bought an iPhone and went to vegas for the first time in life.  That's just a taste of what I didn't share.  Geez.  Bless my heart.  lol

The Director-Producer story:  So, I met with that amazing DP I spoke of in earlier posts, Yash, and we had some great meetings regarding this documentary I am planning.  The meeting started out as a Director and Cinematographer bouncing creative ideas off of one another.  Super awesome.  Then, we got down to discussing the nuts and bolts of actual execution and I had to switch into Producer mode because that's the other role I am playing.  It was fine at first but then I had to start saying "Let's try to figure out another way to do that because of money." And then I had to use the "n" word..."no."  Argh!!  It was all warm and creative and fun and then I had to go and be the Producer.  Yash wasn't upset with me or anything, it was more of an inner turmoil matter because when I got into my car I felt a bit drained.  I felt like, "man, this isn't what I want to do.  I want to be a Director.  Be creative and just have fun, man!"  But that producer is another aspect of me, another facet that has to be expressed, as well, and I am not maxing myself out if I shun that part of me from the sun.  I know what that entails and can and do it well.  I must remember to remember to be grateful for that every second as much as the creative vision.  I understand that my initial internal push back was me feeling like I was in the mode that I have to be in my job-job, which is disconnected from the actual creative element.  The gift is that I can utilize the on-the-job training in my own creations.  This was the first time I had to really go there and now I feel so incredibly fortunate to be able to use so many skills.  Ahhh, I'm such a winner.  lol

More later...gotta get some shut eye :)  Until next time....

100.

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How to Take a Punch

Ho-ly crap, I just got gut checked.  I quit drinking and cigs and am eating supremely well so, there's no outside comfort.  I'm processing and accepting this straight, no chaser.  So, what happened?  Well, I sent the screenplay I've been working on to someone I know who's a screenwriter.  Man, when he sent me back notes..... I almost wanted to cry, for real.  I mean, my jaw was on the floor.  I knew I needed some help, which was the reason for me reaching out but, damn.  lol  And I can "lol" now because it's been a couple of hours but initially it was definitely a blow... to the ego.  After about 15 min, when the shock subsided, I could really see it for what it was.  I did know initially that I got exactly what I asked for, which was help but, I was still hurt.  Why hurt?  Because I put a lot of effort into it, read up, studied, cut, reworded, revamped etc. and he ripped it to shreds.  I was basically told, to paraphrase, that after all of the revisions, editing, compressing and such I would have about 15 pages.  Um, I thought I was almost done.  Hahahahaha Bless my heart.  However, I needed to see from a professional the best way to continue to move forward and what needed work.  I am truly appreciative and happy that I had the guts to hand over my baby to a stranger and ask him what he thought about it all.  I am grateful that he is knowledgeable and took the time to critique my work.  What I learned from this experience is that which is easy to love isn't always easy.  I have been in love with movies since before forever and I know that I'm a great visionary and I have wonderfully powerful ideas.  I know I can actually write very well.  Screenplays are a different beast.  I decided to start writing screenplays because I wanted to be able to tell my stories, not just other people's.  I need to showcase the truth about the human spirit and share how we decide to grow or not in a visual format and create it from scratch.  I must dig even deeper, learn even more and make sure that I am absolutely clear in what I'm sharing so that even a stranger can feel it. 

I am a perfectionist and it's hard on that pesky ego of mine when I'm not perfect out of the gate on something, especially when I want it so badly.  I am still winning because I'm not throwing in the towel.  Never gonna happen.  And I am taking the feedback and letting it be a guide for where I need to work harder as opposed to simply lashing out and giving up or not acknowledging more effort is needed.  I know that I'm getting better all of the time and this is a part of the process.  How do we grow if we don't know what we need to do better?  So, that initial pain is really just the sting of medicine cleansing, not poison.  I've taken it in and am going back to work.  

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Scarcity or Abundance?

Photographer: Jaques Slade

"Pawn Shop"

Chess Board

S: 1/10

A: 1.8

FL: 35mm

ISO: 400

I really dig the above photograph for a few reasons...

a) I love chess

b) I love photography and

c) because Jaques shares his camera settings

Now, chess and photography are things that I'm super interested in, in part because I have, by no stretch of the imagination, perfected my skills just yet.  I'm still learning and that's cool with me. 

Regarding the camera settings...it's just dope to me because instead of hoarding how Jaques Slade got to that point so that no one else could match it, he decided to share.  I'm sure it's partially to remember his own growth but to also give his knowledge away.  That's a large part of the reason Dies and I decided to start this site because the information we were trying to get we couldn't find ANYWHERE.... Well at least not in one place.  We're talking scouring the world wide web, magazines and picking at bits and pieces from random conversations.  We wanted to know..."How do you sustain a winning life?"  "How do you get to actualizing your dreams?"  I mean, you read the articles and see the shows on how someone got there after they've already done it but what about the PROCESS?  That's the key.  Think: Life/Happiness/Success is not a destination, it's a journey.  So, we want to share our process and that of other grinders we come into contact with along the way.  We wanted to build a home for grinders and dreamers.  A place where..."everyone knows your name" lol...ok, maybe not Cheers but, a place where other people like us from anywhere could tap into and see themselves..right. now.  Because life is about right now.  What I'm doing right now to be more.  So, I share what I've learned in hopes that it helps and that I'll get the next piece of my puzzle through this self discovery.  Already, I've "met" so many people who are incredibly fresh (what up 365ers?!) and I never would've had the opportunity if I'd subscribed to the scarcity mentality.

Scarcity (think: greed, hoarding, being withdrawn, etc) begets more of itself.  What I know for sure is that scarcity is:

a) something learned and

b) something that will not allow me to become my very best self.

I truly believe in abundance.  I know that my thoughts are my own, just as my vision is, as well.  I have something incredible to share on so many different levels and when I continue to open myself up to experiencing life abundantly that's precisely what I'll get in return.  It's pretty a-ma-zing and it's quite simple.  The difficulty resides in remembering to remember it when people who love me tell me to "be wary of...."  I must be wise, learn from my mistakes, of course, but I don't have to guard myself from anyone.  I'm here to help you and you are here to help me.  So, thank you so much in advance!  Preeesh!  hahahaha

100.

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That Heat aka The Challenge

What I'm reading: "Stealing Fire From the Gods" - James Bonnet

"If you go through it, you come through it." - James Bonnet

What I have been afraid of for the longest were my feelings.  I hated the fact that they are so intense, that I am soooo sensitive, that you can see them all over my face.  I mean that figuratively and literally.  My face turns red if I'm happy, sad or pissed.  I have spent so many years trying to hide and disguise them that it is only fitting that at this stage of my life and my career I am forced to not only deal with them but welcome them back to the forefront of everything I do.  I am working on several pieces and as I've been doing my research EVERY book tells me to listen to how I feel.  Pay attention to a negative feeling when writing because it tells you something isn't working.  Go toward that feeling, understand it and you'll come out all the better for it because your piece will be better because it the truest representation of what you want to convey.  Damn.  Really?  So, all of that crap I didn't want to deal with I have to look at head on because as I stated in "...Narcissistic", understanding me makes me better ALL the way around.

The writers, especially Bonnet, speak about really paying attention to our dreams.  Bonnet likens them to our own personal Rumpelstiltskin.  Rumpelstiltskin worked while the maiden was sleeping to make the hay into spun gold.  Our dreams are our subconscious (Rumpelstiltskin) working on our conscious problems (hay) to create solutions (gold) for us while we rest.  Fresh, right?  Sometimes I'll think that an entire idea isn't good enough because of that negative or "eh" feeling.  All it truly takes, though, is a little reworking most time to get to that "greatness" stage.  Sometimes I may have to scrap an entire piece and start again but I don't have to throw out the initial feeling.  Kind of like someone who creates music or paints.  You keep the heartbeat of the music or the color that you began with because that's the basis but the surrounding colors on the canvas or accompanying rhythms need to change.  A piece I was working on was feeling dead in the water because I couldn't see where my characters were going to or coming from after a particular scene.  I now realize that my first inspiration was the climax, I have to create the beginning for them so they'll get to that stage.  Mozeltoff!

"If you can't stand the heat stay out of the kitchen."- someone a long time ago

Addressing that "heat" is what makes us great.  Looking into the face of a challenge makes us actually face ourselves.  "I thought I was strong but now after going through (fill in the blank), I know I'm much stronger and better than before."  The part of me that I thought was the weakest is actually my greatest attribute.  It's how I connect with people and will get better at telling stories.  Sweet.

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To Be or Not To Be...Narcissistic

Narcissus by Caravaggio

I've found that a lot of people misconstrue narcissism with self awareness.  My desire to understand myself better enables me to be a better artist, friend, mate, sister yadda yadda yadda.  The difficult part of that journey is that many people are not on the same page.  I want to share my stories, the triumphs and failures because we can all learn from them.  The failures enable me to have compassion and empathy.  I am working to overcome my disappointment within when I feel I have slipped back into some previous way of being or thought process.  I mean, damn, haven't I outgrown that by now?!  The trouble is that when I think I've overcome something intellectually it may rear it's ugly head in a new form and here we go.  That tells me that what ever that habit may be, like having a cigarette when I'm out drinking with friends from time to time, is that subconsciously "I ain't there yet."  But it's painful for a person like me who strives for perfection (gotta figure out where that comes from) because I see that others are a work in progress but it's difficult for me to accept it of myself at times.  Intellectually, I understand it but subconsciously, I have to be more, do more.  The gift and the curse.  That means that I won't take "no" for an answer, I'll persevere through anything and at the same time when I faulter, sometimes I beat myself up terribly.  I, too, am unreasonable.  How else to you get unreasonable results?  Do the seemingly impossible?  

What have I been learning?  ....Well, something I now know is the strength in communicating properly.  What may seem obvious to me may not be to someone else who really cares about me.  So, that means being more assertive about what I think and feel immediately because that could cause a rift that was unintended.  My sensitivity is a strength not a curse.  For instance, I l-o-v-e the dvd extras and there's this director named, Gabriele Muccino, who directed "Seven Pounds" and "Pursuit of Happyness".  What Will Smith loves about him is that he is so in touch with his feelings.  I saw that my gift of empathy will enable me to connect with people on a deeper level.  However, if I try to fight that then my actors, crew, friends, etc. will come off equally repressed.  Funny, right?  The people around us are a mere reflection of what's within.  My digging to become more aware of self even shows up in the books I read.  I went to Borders to pick up several books on screenwriting and could only find two of the ones I was looking for and picked up another book because Shak mentioned something about psychology (message) just before I walked into the store.  I didn't find what I wanted instead I found what I needed.  Both books speak explicitly about uncovering self to delve deeper into your characters.  

I'm remembering to remember to listen to my inner wisdom.  Still don't have that down just yet but I'm making strides.  I was on set the other day talking to Shak about something quasi personal and a young lady happened to be standing within earshot. Normally, I would not continue to speak but something within told me to continue because she needed to hear what I was saying.  Sure enough, as soon as I got off of the phone she came over to tell me that she heard what I was talking about and then offered me a "life gem", she told me of a book entitled "The Four Agreements."  Tomorrow, I'm headed to Borders, again.  

This I know for sure (what up Ms. WINfrey!)...when I share myself with others I am truly giving and that's the most amazing feeling.


100.

Bright


p.s. it's almost our birthdays!!!!! wahoooooooooooooo :)