What is an artist?

Dear best self,

Why can't you just bend?  How about a little?
 I think there is a big difference b/w wanting to create for the sake of having talent (singing, dancing, acting, writing and rapping) and having to SPILL out what’s inside you because you have to get something out to the world. To be honest, I was just about to go the regular Hollywood path, getting Headshots, taking classes, looking for an agent, hitting the audition path in order to fit into the mold but I lost all my energy along the way. Reminds of me of when I was in the music industry game, I would have killed myself trying to fit into their box, and almost succeeded against the strongest of wills holding me back. But in reality I’m not just a talent, secretly I’m really an artist posing as a talent. I’ve always been.


It’s funny because I really do appreciate other people’s visions and their EFFORT to create them. But when you see variations of the same PATTERNS, the same reoccurring characters being recycled over and over it’s enough to make me check out. And I see why many artists live lives of solitude. They’re so tired of the same song being played on repeat that they say to hell with trying to listen for a new tune. But new lyrics are written. And new patterns do emerge it’s what gives us hope. Yet, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Beethoven, Van Gogh, Cobaine and others have decided to leave this space. One can only desperately Jazzle (fit into the plastic molding) in an attempt to be normal for so long.

I finally asked my dad to level with me, “What do you see is my number one stumbling block to succeeding as an artist?” In so many words, he said, “Time, Resources and Focus”. He went on to tell me that I have an umbrella of projects with only a limited amount of hours and only a certain amount of focus to devote to any number of those projects at any given time. He explained that I have to increase my focus and narrow it at the same time. WOWZERS! Then he hit me in the gut. “I think you should get a list of all of the projects you’ve started and decide which ONE you’re going to accomplish first”. He went on to say, “This will not be easy for you. You’ve always had a number of competing demands vying for your attention. I suggest you take a weekend, a week or a month to decide which one you will prioritize.” Then he hit me with the upper cut. “Don’t abandon that first project EVEN if it means taking 2 years to accomplish it; do not move to number 2 unless you finish number 1. And it will be the most painful and liberating thing you’ve ever accomplished.” I appreciate him for his honesty.

All of a sudden I could remember the passages from Russell Simmons book in “Do You” talking about vision and how you should never abandon your original vision. GREAT! That now leaves me with making another BIG decision. Gotta love how answering one decision about your path (I’m going to create all original content) pushes you into making another decision (which content?). And the big Q: emerged, which one of my projects do I choose? That’s like picking between kids, if I had kids. How do you say, “I love you all the same, but I just need to focus on your brother this semester, well maybe the next four years because he’s about to go off to college”. I mean how do you choose? My pops also concluded with more painful commentary. I said, “How often do you think artists make real money”? He said, “Hardly ever, but when they are creating they’re happy and that’s far more than most people can ever say in this lifetime”.

Guess that old man has a point. Gotta love that wisdom!

Shak
100.

P.S. I love this guy’s story about what makes someone a true artist.
http://sye.me/post/742070566/what-makes-someone-an-artist

We Can Be What We Will Ourselves To Be...

Man,

I will get that damn monologue filmed even if it kills me and it's just me and the web cam.  On our last day of class we all put up our work.  But the camera guy, the coolest guy Will, wasn't able to make it that day. And I was really happy with the end result of the piece.  Not that it was perfect, but it was far from my beginning.  I've realized that's what intrigues me most about this process of creating.  You always end up somewhere far from the beginning if you put in the work.  And one day you look up and realize that you are someone totally different that what you were 1-2 years ago.  How amazing is that?  I remember the day I decided I was going to start acting.

No I wasn't 4 years old.  I never had any particular draw to become famous or to sign autographs.  LOL  I never thought about it actually except for when my older bro would use me for his Twilight Zone reenactments.  It wasn't really until a few years back that I gave acting any thought.  In fact, I'm the type of person that is sooooo caught up in the NOW it's really hard to plan for tomorrow.  With that said, from time to time I decide to become something different in life, something more.  Most of the time it's when I get this feeling that I can't do anymore for that particular role in life OR I've discoverd another passion.  It's the most EXCITING thing too.  I've been a student, a girlfriend, a best friend, a lover, a high school teacher, a music producer's manager, a corporate trainer and now an actress.  Friends of mine say I get obsessed.  This total burning desire to go after something with all my heart.  But the only thing that I try to do with each of these particular roles is WIN.  That means I try my best to go all in, give it my all, give what I have to give and learn as much as possible.  I don't always succeed.  I've had several failed relationships, and a most painful experience within music which I loved dearly.  But I do PLAY the game.

In my experience, the thing that baffles me the most in life is that there are so few players.  I have yet to quite figure it out as of today the reason why.  Acting is by far one of the most exhilarating games I've played thus far.  I haven't really even started but I'm so enthused.  It's the performance.  The ability to capture something and create it to be whatever you wish it to be.  I think that's total freedom.  And if you're lucky, you can make someone feel something that you're feeling.  That's power.

I can't wait for the perfect role that I may have to create for myself if it doesn't show up soon enough.  I wish to create a beautiful character out of a most ugly situation or predicament.  :)  Wish me luck. 

P.S. The monologue will be up before long.  It's called "Rest Assured" by Joseph Arnone.  I'm sure it will resonate with those of you who have gone through great lengths to reach a goal to no avail.  The pain of not reaching a particular dream seems unbearable for a time.  At least it did for me.  Until I woke up one day from my heartache...and met someone who hadn't dared to live out any dream at all. He told me his pain was much worse.  That's when I woke up and starting living again, dreaming another dream that's bigger in scope. 

Shak
100.

I'm Inspired By: Big Shaq Diesel

Yesterday was an utter failure.  I BOMBED big time in class.  But I had already seen it coming about a year ago.  Memorization kills me.  It's like I can hear a song a thousand times on the radio and maybe if I'm lucky I will remember the hook.  The crazy thing is I've gone from grade school to a prestigious high school to USC without anyone noticing.  The truth is...I can't hear music, I only feel it.  I can't remember what people tell me only how they make me feel.  This has killed me in relationships by the way.  "Shak, don't you remember you said,..."  Ummm...no I don't.

My emotional memory is a BEAST...I feel everything and everyone.  In fact, I don't even hear people talk at first (and I usually get accused of not listening), but I'm feeling what they're saying.  This is the most challenging.  Many people speak with words but they give off a totally different feeling.  I feel through the disguise immediately.  I smile, pretend along with them nodding my head, many times wanting to cringe. 

But in class I had to memorize a commercial in 15 min flat.  I didn't panic, well not at first.  I realized in that moment that I would HAVE to find a way to memorize info without a particular emotional component.  Or I would have to give it an emotional angle.  But how do you give a commercial about beans (the musical fruit) an emotional angle?  It's very funny, well that is until panic kicks in.  And that's when it happened, I let my fear take over.  What if I'm found out?  What if people realize that I can't memorize like everyone else and that I'm different?  I hit the front of the room and went blank.  DAMN!  It was just a funny, chill commercial but I was too worried about missing the words.  The words, the page, the selling point; wait what am I selling?

Thank God for Dave Chapelle.  I remember reading about when he first bombed on stage at a local comedy club.  I remember him saying something like, "Well at least I know what that felt like".  But I hate to lose.  No I really hate loosing.  And there is only way to overcome a weakness, practice.  Right???

I look at Shaq, the big one, and admire his basketball game.  During his prime time, he DOMINATED the courts with hardly anyone that could answer.  But he couldn't shoot a free throw to save his life.  How could you be that great in the league and not be able to make free throws? 

And how can I become a great actress without being able to memorize efficiently?

Because I will master EVERYTHING else.  And that's what Shaq did.  He stayed in his lane and killed anyone in that path.  Maybe, we cannot totally overcome our weaknesses BUT we can make damn sure that no one comes close to our STRENGTHS.  And of course even if we keep falling short again and again we practice on our weaknesses because we want to be great.  Sometimes I wonder why I chose this new path considering all of my shortcomings.  And the answer is simple.  I love it.  When magic happens, and I hit all the right marks it's like relaxing on a cloud, legs crossed and kicked back, while sippin' a pina colada. 

I realize that even an allstar like Shaq has moments of utter failure.  People are going to point out captain obvious, like how can you possibly act without knowing...blah, blah, blah.  But we can become what we WANT to be.  Don't just pick a lane because you're good at it.  It will be easier.  But will you ascend to the clouds?

P.S. Up next monologues.   I'm going to kill it.  And I'll post it when I have footage.

Shak
100.

It's Finally Time to Tame the Beast!

Man it’s hard to realize that you’re the one driving the car. I know…I know what the hell is Shak talking about? I’m talking about taking control of your life. It’s just that this year has been HEEEEEEEEEEELA HARD.  And I’ve been the main reason why it’s been that way.  Sure, I could blame the Recession Monster (kind of a creepy dude) or the Money Bandit (another creepster) but the real truth is I’ve done a damn fine job of getting in my own way.  I spend many waking minutes envisioning conflict sometimes in my waking hours.  Who does that?  Oh, you do it too?

Check out my most recent example.  Getting a minor concussion from playing soccer with 10 stitches.  Boy when I envision, I manifest!  I even remember thinking a week before the incident, how cool would it be to get a tattoo with "Beauty & The Beast". 

Day 2:  Right After The Hit ( I went up for a soccer header & well it didn't go as planned.  Thank Goodness for pain killers.)

OUCH (10 stitches)!!!!!!

Day 7: No more thinking crazy, battle-themed thoughts.  I promise! 

The truth is I have this 80/20 thing going on, maybe you guys do too. 80% of the time, I’m optimistic, I’m bright & cheery and thankful to be alive on this grand journey we call LIFE. But the other 20% of me would make Darth Vader shudder. It’s my inner beast that I’m talking about. It’s afraid to become more in life, it’s worried about making enough money, it’s afraid to get close to someone in a relationship and so what does it do? SEEK, SELF SABOTAGE & DESTROY!

Seriously.

2010 has been my own version of HALO. Because I love creating battles, I mean EPIC battles for myself I decided to kill myself financially and pay my mortgage by myself right when I was on track to decrease my finances and pursue acting 100%. This is nothing new; I’ve been paying for everything since I was 17 years of age. I have the lone ranger act down pact. I’m so ready for my scene where I walk into the sunset it ain’t even funny. But this isn’t good folks; it’s tragic hero behavior. Those who win create a team of support. Those who win don’t create obstacles for themselves but rather create solutions.

Who knows, maybe I feel like life will be too damn easy without the obstacles.  But isn't that a good thing? I think that dude in the matrix, Agent Smith was right when he said, “…as a species, human beings define their reality through misery and suffering. The perfect world was a dream that their primitive cerebrum[s] kept trying to wake up from.” Say it ain’t so Agent Smith!!!!

I thought I had it. I thought through all of my research on personal development, I had learned to master my thoughts. I mean read through the posts I wrote the previous year. BOY WAS I WRONG! Every time I try to convince someone (including myself) that we can create our own happiness…it turns into this Disney vs. Apocalypse argument. What if Agent Smith is right? Who cares that he’s a fictional character. What if we just can’t accept that happiness is real and totally possible?

Well, I’m at it again. I’m opening up the positive reinforcement books. I realize that it’s a practice not a one and done scenario. It’s like lifting weights and eating healthy…it’s for life not for a season in your life. And more important than taking care of your body is taking care of what you feed your mind. So, for the time being, I’m focusing on peace, abundance and happiness.

I already know it takes a MASTER MIND to focus on such things in a world that blocks light, perpetuates fear, increases poverty…but each of us can make such a huge difference. I’m taking baby steps. I’m back on my inspired grind. I’m back in acting class with a most positive teacher, Dustin Felder. Check that dude out. I realize my efforts for 2011 will be spent on building a team of positive, inspirational and in Dustin’s words “winning mentality” types of folks. I can lose by myself. Nobody can create better war like scenarios than the ones I manifest in my mind. So, this time around I’m going to put myself to the test and envision a total win-win scenario for my whole camp.

I’ll let you guys know what happiness looks like.

Shak
100.

I'm Inspired By: Acting

Many times when we’re on our journey we become exhausted by the grind itself or loss in the sauce. LOL And that’s why we have to stay inspired. After leaving an acting workshop a few weeks ago and listening to the panel (writers, studio heads, playwrights, acting coaches, and marketing experts) I listened to the panel talk about what it takes to make it in the acting business and the fact that 98% will fail (OUCH). They covered topics about marketing, saving do-re-mi, networking, taking classes to sharpen your skills, and hustling. Some even ventured to talk about the mystical aspects of being a believer and “highly favored” or “lucky” enough to find the right opportunities on their path.  I happen to be a believer.  :) 

And for a moment I thought to myself, “of course everyone wants to get the prize (money), the glory and the fame”.  But today thinking the workshop over I realized that something was missing. Something wasn’t quite acknowledged in that theatre on that day.  It was the acting GRIND itself.  Putting in countless hours to become better at what you love is also a major reward.  A person becomes forever changed.  There are countless folks who make it to the top without putting in "the work" sort of speak.  But I always wonder if they appreciate it as much when they're not respected by their peers.  There are countless stories of drug abuse, addictions and negative behavior that plague the industry for countless reasons.  The money and the fame definitely can't guarantee what we all want which is happiness.  And personally, I'm most happy when I'm embracing the work itself.   All the risks and rewards are in the work itself.

Every time someone goes on stage; their Failure rate is huge, they can miss the mark and become unsuccessful in the worst way possible…publicly. It dawned on me that no one had even made the slightest mention of this at the workshop. Actors are already winning.  98% of the world would never take those types of risks.  Images come to mind of my friends and fam who are still waiting to take their next step in life but are reluctant for fear of failing.  I imagined dragging each of them on stage, kicking and screaming, to get rid of their fear for once and for all. :)

Besides I turned to acting for something entirely different.  I wanted a bigger challenge in life (not grinding in Hollywood but acting itself) and to become great at something totally different.  If I had never tried out for an audition; I would have never found out my innate gift of recalling my emotional memory.  For me landing a tv show or a major theatre production is extra.  The risk/reward is already built into acting itself.  One of the workshop panelist actually said that she was a horrible actress but always worked in the business because she knew how to “market” herself.  I don’t know if that was supposed to inspire us to take her course.  I actually felt bad for her.  Why go after something that you don't want to do? Or did she really want to act but was covering up her fear? 

What we put in is what we get back.  It might not seem that way but it’s physics. That’s why if you are going to do something half ass you might as well not do it at all. Our brains will record that as a pattern. Too many of those patterns and we’re in big trouble doing the same ol’, same ol’.  Of course she’s no longer acting, she’s teaching marketing workshops to actors.  And one by one each person on stage told their story about how they had started in acting but had ended up doing different things.  I don’t know if anyone else took notice.  But I wanted to know why did they all leave acting behind?  Some were presented with amazing career opportunities.  But I couldn’t help but wonder where the successful actor story was that day?

A teacher told me, “When a painting is criticized the painter can step back and detach himself from his artwork.  Actors are the canvas and the painting, there is no detachment.” Maybe, no one wanted to say it. But it’s not just the hustle and/or the lack of work that sucks being a "working" actor; it’s the acting work itself that is the most grueling.  Most people don’t like to open up to one person around them.  Most of us live our whole lives trying to avoid rejection, but that’s impossible as an actor.  It's an actor's job to expose the inner most part of herself in order to connect with her audience and hopefully make them feel something.

What a crazy opportunity for actors then!  To learn how to take rejection over and over again in order to hit a specific goal, and I'm not talking about a callback.  I'm talking about making the casting directors, the audience or whoever is watching in that moment FEEL differently because of your performance.  WOW!  A callback or being casted is extra, it's icing on the cake.  But no one can take away your performance, your ability to affect people in that moment.  And at the moment, I can’t think of a more worthwhile pursuit while I'm alive. 

Shak
100.

things i love...pt 4

Alternatively entitled: 

"Random Acts of Kindness & A Trip to Method Acting"

Yesterday, I went to audit an acting class.  I haven't actually done acting since I was probably 15 yrs old.  It was my very first passion...until I was on an actual shooting set.  I'd done plays, taken classes blah blah blah.  Anyhoo, so I'm getting ready to bounce to the class.  I get to my car and it won't start.  I have a laser cut key because I drive a Saab and the car's computer wasn't accepting the key.  Come on, son!  lol  This put me behind several minutes.  I tried not to freak out because I really can't stand being late.  I get anxiety, it's wack.  So, I decide that I'm not going to go that route.  I decide to take my mind off of it and let the car sit for a sec.  I put on mascara, try again.  Nope.  Put on lip gloss, try again.  Sike.  Several minutes pass and I just continue to refocus my energy on calmness, peace and grounding and try again.  Alright, we're rollin'.  There are quite a few ways to get to the main street from where I live but I always let my spirit guide me on which path, I guess it's kinda like a choose your own adventure thing.  Anyhoo, the path for last night got me to a stoplight.  It was about to change (I'm winning!) and I saw a bus loading it's final passengers.  The bus driver closed the door but I saw a woman run up right afterwards.  She banged on the door to let the driver know she was there.  The driver took off through the light and my heart sank.  I can't stand to see people missing the bus.  I don't know why but I always feel like it'll change their whole day, you know?  Anyhoo, the bus crosses through my intersection as my light turns green and then stops on the other side of the street and opens the door.  I look over to the woman who is now defeated with her back to the bus.  I start immediately honking my horn and simultaneously roll down my window to let her know the bus is there for her.  Her face brightens and she runs across the street waving thanks to me.  It was fantastic.  It started to make me tear up because I love random acts of kindness like that of the bus driver.  I am inspired by seemingly small things like that.  It always amazes me and lifts my spirit to see someone do something for another simply out of the kindness of their heart.  Everytime, I think to myself we're getting closer to world peace.  Love it.

Anyhoo, I'm still trying to get to the class determined that I'll be on time.  Shak hits me that parking is a wrap to say the least.  I end up pulling up about 5 min late.  No parking anywhere remotely close until after 7p.  And at 7p finally find a space up the street.  They let me in even though I was supposed to be there at 6:45p.  Fantastic.  The class doesn't start until 20 min later.  They go through a slew of exercises and one of them is to close your eyes, take a deep breath and allow a sound come out that mirrors how you've felt that day/week/month/year.  Ok, cool.  When I tell you that the sounds that came out from EVERYONE were not unlike something that was a cross between "The Little Mermaid" when Ursula the octopus queen witch showed her her garden of "poor unfortunate souls" and what you'd expect to hear in Dante's Inferno...I'm not lying.  I turn to Shak and ask her, "Where is all of the happiness?"  She mirrors my shock saying her initial thought was to sing.  I agree saying that I was going to do something more along the lines of "LAAAAAAAAAAAAA".  lol  We watch in amazement and concern as they repeat the exercise and it continues.  So depressing, for real.  Anyhoo, the class was pretty cool, otherwise, in that the instructor was pretty dope at digging deeper to get what the students needed to go for from within.  I am interested in taking the class because I feel like it'll help me to be a better Director.  To really help my actors and thereby myself get the story that we want...the real story, not the surface, no-one-believes-you-because-we-know-you're-acting thing.  My desire is that people will get lost in my films because they see themselves there and let the actors inspire them to make better choices in their lives through our storytelling.  Making those better choices comes from being honest with yourself and what you're going through.  It's a part of the healing.  You can't heal if you don't address the wound and clean it.  The part that's kinda scary though is that method acting makes you drudge up something from your past even if you're over it, you've healed that wound.  You use it to create that real emotion that comes through but is that really healthy?  Is there another way to make the character truly identifiable without driving yourself and loved ones insane?  Acting is about telling the truth not lying so, I'm not sure at this point.  I need to do some more digging.  Maybe I'll try the class for a month because I do feel like I could learn a lot.  I have to have faith in my ability to center and recenter myself to get out what I need to on stage and leave it there.  Not to take it out into the rest of the world with me.  It's an art and a practice.  This will be an opportunity for me to become comfortable with that type of exposure as well as becoming more aware of my actions and the way I come across.  We'll see what develops.  :)

What I did realize, though, last night on my way home is that me seeing that situation with the bus and the woman was meant.  If my car started immediately, I wouldn't have been at the intersection to get her attention.  If I hadn't centered myself during and post the car situation, I may have only been thinking about myself and getting to the class.  I wouldn't have been able to be calm and observe my surroundings.  There weren't any other cars behind me and she would have missed the opportunity.  Maybe, just maybe, I am helping to bring about world peace on the daily.  :)

100.

Bright

I'm Inspired By: Aristotle

Aristotle suggested, "A tragedy is the imitation of an action that is serious and also, as having magnitude, complete in itself ... with incidents arousing pity and fear, wherewith to accomplish its catharsis of such emotions."

I don't know why I'm enthralled by Tragedy. Macbeth was by far my favorite Shakespearean play. I had such high hopes for him before his downfall. Perhaps it's the depth of emotion that occurs when I engage in the Tragic Hero's journey. I feel a sense of release by empathizing with the character. One thing's for sure, I better be careful what I'm paying attention to because reality has a way of mirroring art.

Come on...happy, happy thoughts. No more dating guys that mirror Joaquin Phoenix's deep-brooding, poor, tortured soul. (Ahem)

I think it's the tragedies that make the most apathetic hearts feel something. And isn't that what acting is all about? Making the audience FEEL. It's wonderful to laugh and to experience joy while taking in a flick. But sometimes, in those dark and seemingly isolated theatres when we cry our hearts out for the "tragic character"; we're become deeply invested in his/her final results. But why? In effect, we're sympathizing with the character while also purifying ourselves from personal past hurt.

In a world where feeling and emotions are somewhat Taboo. And boys are told to 'act like a man', translation, don't show your emotions or else you'll be perceived as weak. The opportunities for emotional release are few and far between. Thank god for the mighty Arts, it is the goal...no it is the job of the artist to conjure up human emotions like a alchemist turns lead into gold.

I have to quote Yeezy here to illustrate my point, "Now I speak from the heart, you all fronting. Everybody feel a way about K but at least you all feel something." Couldn't agree with him more. Most characters, I mean people, are just blah, blah, blah...just there in the background. I couldn't pin-point if most folks annoy me, inspire me, irritate me or what. They're just there. Wouldn't the world be much more interesting if folks weren't afraid to be who they really are?

Shak

100.

My Acting Type: Good vs. Bad Girl

Ok so here it is...I'm getting a bit further in acting and I have to figure out my Type of course. It comes before head shots and agent mailers. It's essential to being cast PERIOD. They want to know when you walk in the room if they're looking at a potential killer or a sweetheart. Here's the major bummer...you ain't got a choice in it. From the moment you hit the door you're being nicely packaged in a box. But what happens if the packaging doesn't match the gift inside? YIKES! Would you seriously believe on screen a Rambo-buff looking guy if he sounds like Tyson? Wait...but...nevermind.

That's when I realized I might have a potential problem on my hands. Potentially. See from an outsiders perspective I look like I should be peddling Snuggle Softener and singing a lil lullaby about sweet dreams. I don't know if it's these damn cheeks or Puss N Boots eyes that has sentenced me to the CUTE chamber for life.

Actually, I don't mind resembling the sweet and innocent woman that you would want to bring home to Mommy. I'm actually a fairly decent human being that believes in being positive and sweet to others. Hellooooooo this site is all about inspiring others to live out their dreams. But there is just one little problem. See when you're automatically labeled the "good girl" and the chick that guys want to date because they automatically "trust" you; there is a major side affect that begins to develop. You guys know what the issue is. Those who are reliable and trustworthy often are (yep you guessed it) taken for granted. And what happens to a woman who is taken for granted bit by bit? Yahtzee!!!!

She is either broken down, abused over time and becomes the "damsel in distress"(Halle Berry is the truth at this Type) or she becomes resentful and in the worse case scenario she becomes vengeful (Think Uma Thurman in Kill Bill). "Bad girls" my friends are possibly "good girls" who have been pushed over the edge. The reason why they're deemed "untrustworthy" by men is because they no longer give a damn. Of course there are those chicks who look like they were born solely to do what they damn well please from day one (Angelina).

See, in reality (the goodie-two-shoes you want to marry and the bad a** vixens you want to...), are one in the same. They're on the same spectrum just on opposite sides. Sorry I totally digress, I was talking about my acting type (ahem). Like I was saying, I will play the Innocent Young Lady you'll bring home to mama.

Tootles.

Shakira (much sweeter than Shak don't you think?)

100.

P.S. If you don't agree with my type, then go ahead and say something about it.

P.S.S. Btw, why are guys constantly surprised by "good girls" wanting to do seemingly bad things? I never get accused of this of course but my friends email me about it. :)

Do you FEEL me?

Now that I'm half way through the performances I can attest that this is by far one of the most exciting endeavors in my life. Performing on stage is all that it is cracked up to be: anxiety-ridden, exhilarating, challenging, and timeless.

I know when I first contemplated acting, I thought that the biggest obstacle would be memorizing lines, and working with the other characters (it is difficult at times). But if you prepare hard, and know your character inside and out something magical happens. It's like the character just shows up and takes over when you hit the stage. At that point, it's not about lines, props, costume or anything technical. All that has been learned the past months is left behind, and the only thing that matters is connecting with the character which in turn helps you to connect with the audience.

We live in a time where folks are so damn HARD CORE, they've lost their ability to reach out, to feel other people around them. In fact, some of us have been taught that the ability to feel is dead weight, it's a weakness that must be obliterated as soon as humanly possible. And yet we all act surprise when we read the headline news story in which it usually goes a lil something like this: "Young boy takes the life of two other students with little to no remorse". And the public's reaction is usually appalled for a moment and then back to biz as usual until the next day.

And that's why artists are Completely necessary. They are the bullhorns sounding off when the public gets too complacent about society's problems. I remember when the Dixie Chicks took a personal stand that almost cost them their career. Sometimes artists go wayyyyyyy overboard to get our attention, sometimes they use Crazy tactics that undermine their original purpose. But they remind all of us of our humanity and how we all have a responsiblity to each other. They make us laugh when we need it most. They make us cry and heal ourselves even if it's only for an hour or two in a theatre or movie.

P.S. Art is subjective, but my goal for every piece of work that I produce is to make the viewer feel something. We got too many Blah folks running around here as it is.

Shak
100.

Kanye West & Ralph Waldo Emerson...Am I still Inspired by Ye?

Wow, I logged on to our site this morning and realized the last blog I posted was "I'm Inspired by Kanye West". Interesting how timing has a way of being 'just on time' or 'just at the wrong time'. I thought to myself should I take the blog down considering the ultimate 'dumb-dumb' move he made a few days ago when he decided to yank the mic from a 17 year old country singer? Or do I leave it him up on the blog? After all, I meant exactly what I said in the last blog about him, he inspires me, mainly because he's just being himself for better or for worse.

I think it's times like these when I think about the complexity of human beings and what it truly means to be human. As I prepare to take the stage this week, I realize that my character, Candice, while an upstanding member of her church is clearly not without fault. Her anger and her bitterness at times gets the best of her, and her faith is put to the test. Hell, at some point don't we all do things that we wish we hadn't? Maybe some of us don't ever walk out on a limb, testing what we really do believe...and that's just it. Some of us are content with not living at all, not figuring out for ourselves what is wrong and what is right. Of course the danger of really "living" is that there are things that we will do along the way that we can't come back from doing, that leave a Hester Prynne like mark permanently attached to our reputation.

And while I don't agree with Ye's antics the night of the VMAs (I would have grabbed the mic back), as an actress, he made me painfully aware of the range of free human expression. Most of us are not free to be who we really are for better or worse, we hide behind who we think we should be, what we think society thinks we should be. When I think of Ye, I can't help but think of Emerson who says, "No law can be sacred to me unless it's a law of my nature. Good and bad are but names very readily transferable to that or this; the only right is what is after my constitution, the only wrong is what is against it." DAMN...if that ain't gangsta then what is? The question is what if one's nature is volatile, creative, temperamental and unstable? Well I think we know the answer to that question.

And while I personally would never snatch a mic from a kid at an award's show; I'm not qualified to say what I have and would do that appalls society. I've never liked the crackerjack box-like comfort of being labeled the 'nice' girl. I mean God forbid the day I break that particular mold by doing one thing that shatters that image. When that day comes, I only hope folks realize, there were no drugs, no crazy boys to 'put me up to it', no forms of depression that induced my crazy behavior. The truth is it's already in my nature, always was and always will be.

Shak

100.

First Time I rhymed for Bright aka Jewel in 08

I just found this...gotta love technology. Bright sent me some Bright-USA stuff as usual about the Lotus Flower and overcoming the odds. It came up because we were choppin' it up a bit, and I asked her for her myspace page. Turns out her page had the word lotus in it. The wierd thing is I was researching that flower the week before because I'm wierd like that...Peep the convo.

-----Original Message-----
From: Jewel K. Estephanos
Sent: Wednesday, September 10, 2008 1:44 PM
To: Gagnier, Shakira
Subject: RE: Words of encouragement
well, it's a prominent symbol in buddhism & it represents cause and effect in nature. It is the only flower that seeds & blooms at the same time and it blooms out of swamps which is also quite symbolic of creating extreme beauty out of any life/karma.

>On Wednesday, September 10, 2008, at 02:41 PM, "Gagnier, Shakira"
wrote:

Yes now I remember, I remember the part about blooming from the swamps, and under the worst conditions. Dang that's tight BRIGHT...uh oh I'm rhyming. I used to rhyme back in the day. :)

Still blooming despite the dark
The light's inside
So I see with my heart
How u stop me? Yall don't have the heart

Shak's on the holy grail

But I'll leave my fans a spark

Jewels of wisdom, follow the bits and parts

But it's lights out when I get my final part

Not acting, just living that's my secret art

0 to 1 Moment...

30 DAYS TO MY FIRST PERFORMANCE!

Are lies really worth being told when the truth can set you free? People from all different walks of life tell lies to secure personal feelings and to cover up the truth that may be painful. Many have deep dark secrets better known as skeletons in their closet; but what happens in the dark shall come to the light. No matter how many years it may take, the truth is bound to surface sooner or later. How do we handle our past showing up unexpectedly in the present time?

Will the truth be revealed or will it remain Shhh…Quiet as Kept

-Excerpt from "Quiet as Kept" play flyer

I want to invite all of you to my first major performance in a play production entitled: Shhhh…Quiet As Kept by Brandi Burks. Now I know some of you might be wondering what is going on? Shak is an actress? What is she doing on stage? But life’s an adventure, right? It’s what we make it, and somehow I ended up in an acting class and have been rolling with it ever since. Oh did I mention I was singing too? Relax… I’m a background singer in the choir, but I am one of the lead actresses in the play. (Exciting, Anxiety). I asked the Playwright, “Wait, are you sure you want me to play the lead? I mean this is my first production." She replied, “Dang, I didn’t realize you are the lead. Well, look at it this way, you’re like the wildcard, you’ll either shine and do really well or well, don't worry about it, you'll be fine.” YIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKES! So this is it…my beginning moment, and I would love for ya’ll to share it with me. And if you can’t make it, say a prayer for me that I shine bright.

Thank you guys,

Shak.
100.

TICKETS: $25 Presale
Purchase tickets online at www.plays411.com/quietaskept.

WHEN/TIME:
Saturday, September 19th/ 8:00 PM
Saturday, September 26th/ 8:00 PM
Sunday, October 4th/ 4:00 PM
Sunday, October 11th (Closing Night) / 4:00 PM

WHERE: STAGE 52
5299 W. Washington Blvd.
Los Angeles, CA 90016
Ample Street Parking

I’M SO UNREASONABLE…

I think parents often want their child to pick a “stable” career that brings home “stable” income that will provide for a “stable” life. But what if I would rather live life as an adventure? I’ve never subscribed to the philosophy that I should just be satisfied with a “good” job that pays “good” benefits. What if that job doesn’t fill my soul? I can’t remember who said it, but there was this dude who said something like, “everyone should just go home from work until they figured out what it is they really wanted to do”. Now of course if you have a family to provide for that may seem very foolish and totally unfeasible. But is living a life of total regret and unhappiness a more reasonable aim? I’m convinced the hardest thing to do in this lifetime is to truly follow one’s heart. How can that be?

Well, that’s easy to figure out. We’re all told from the time we’re born that certain things in life are “impossible” or “improbable”. If you think I’m stretching that a bit, go ahead and tell one of your dearest friends that you’re about to start your own business or that you’re going to drop 25 lbs in 6 months. I’ll tell you what’s going to happen because I’ve actually tried both. A few of your friends will tell you good luck, a few others will tell you how difficult and improbable your goals are and the rest will tell you nothing. It is the silence that often kills dreams not the voices of dissent. I spent years waiting for cheerleaders to show up at the sidelines of my dream. But guess what? They never appeared not from my family or friends. So I stopped talking about my dreams and goals.

Crazily enough, in 2008 it hit me. I realized that the reason no one appeared at my side with pom-poms and cheers was because I had not entered the arena yet. Fans cheer on the players: the ones who have committed for better or worse to their dream. On Jan 3rd 2008 I realized I wanted to become a major player. Hell, I really wasn’t even certain of what game I wanted to play in the beginning, but I just put my head down and started working…well actually running. I wanted to do something totally creative that sparked my inner passion. Players acknowledge that they want to play in the game first and foremost which means that they proclaim this is who I am and this is what I’m about to do. You can’t “kinda” play, it’s all or nothing. And when players fall short of making a play they don’t blame it on the weather or their lack of playing time, they acknowledge their shortcomings and build.

In 08 when I decided to pursue acting it was the first time I didn’t tell anyone of my secret ambition. I just decided to train relentlessly, either taking a class or running the hills of Palos Verdes. And this time, I didn’t need any cheerleaders to help me figure out if I was good enough or talented enough or pretty enough to enter the arena. All I needed was a hunger to play. And I figure now that I’m in the game, I might as well try to score and I’m playing to win. But what I didn’t know then that I know now is that being a player is in itself a major victory. I’ll never be amongst the crowd who talks down on the game, who belittles the game because they were too afraid to put on a uniform and enter the arena. At rehearsal last night, one of the other actresses talked about how she overcame stage fright, how she couldn’t sleep before performances because deep down she knew that her opening lines either captured the audience or made them hit the snooze button. It was a quiet moment in which we were exchanging comforting words amongst performers. It was in that moment that I realized, wait a second, I’m about to hit the stage for the first time, I’m acting baby. That’s all right…I’m finally entering the arena this September and that’s got to be worth at least like a million dollars.

I’m a beast.

Shak

100.

I'm Inspired By: Heath Ledger

Discussing a convo about the Dark Knight to a friend...

An aspiring film maker told me when Heath died several people broke down and cried when they heard the news on his set. I think he touched people because of his genuine nature, he became all those characters, their weaknesses and their strengths and that's why we rally around actors like him who bare their soul. His wasn't a particular humanitarian that did great deeds, but by embodying what makes us really human he stood out and he's sort of a reminder of who we really are. I was like damn dude…

And yet that is the greatest challenge for my entire duration with acting, to reveal who I really am, not the one that I would like to be or the person people want me to be…and that is such a scary feat, exposing oneself for better or worse. It could alienate you or bring great ridicule, but it's what I want to be. Humans hide behind their own defense mechanisms scared to show their true selves…we cover and protect our feelings, and to do the opposite requires great discipline and a total awareness.