Become on Fire!!!!

It's been almost a year since my last post, at least I think.  It had occurred to me that I was starting to spend too much time watching other people's grind instead of actively working on mine so the blog has since suffered.

It's easier that way.  You know, sitting on the sideline, pointing out the highlights and lowlights of a person's career.  But what about us?  What do WE want to accomplish?  I think that's the right question. But then there's the hard part.  Making a decision!

Do we DARE to go after what we want?

What would happen if you allowed yourself that desire to want what you REALLY want.  Most of us can't stand the thought of desiring something because we don't think it's at all possible to attain.  But what if it was? Very few peeps have dreams that are totally out of reach and yet they still DO NOTHING to move towards them.  We get stuck.  Should I go for that new job?  "Naaaaah!"  Should I talk to that cute girl?  "I dunno what if she doesn't like me?"

What to do?  Show no FEAR.

Take one little, baby step towards it.  And who knows, one thing propels you to the next thing, and before long you're moving in the direction of your dream.

I've had these tapes of film in my closet FOREVER.  It was just sitting there, getting nice and dusty like most stuff that just sits.  One day I had the bright idea to transform the tapes into digital files to see what was actually on the film.  Who knew the film would contain an amazing story just waiting to be sculpted and plucked from obscurity.  6 years ago I had an idea of highlighting what young MCs and Skateboarders do (they grind).  So I wrote/directed a story and hired a production crew without any experience of course.  When you have something you Really want to do, you just DO IT.  The TV pilot was called Grindin'.  I decided to bring along a kid I was helping at the time.  It was his energy.  It was his passion.  He was a MC before he was a MC (CARS, $$$, LADY FRIENDS).  Rappers do that you know.  They're some of the biggest believers.

6 years later.  Tyga is HUGE!!!!

And on film, I have what I saw 6 years ago.  A kid,  (Unknown but On Fire).  It's what I've been trying to tell  anyone who is willing to listen.  "BECOME MORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRE!"  "DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARE MIGHTY, INSANE THINGS", "FIND WHAT YOU LOVE AND GRIND".  I have witnessed and helped many on their hero's journey.  And FINALLY I was clever enough to capture it all on film.  YES!!!!  Maybe by coincidence.  I doubt it.
Now, for the fun part.  I have to get the story out to millions.  On to the next challenge.  And so I'm off on my own adventure again.
Shak
100.

P.S.  I'll post the short documentary of Tyga when finished.  :)

I'm inspired by Florence and the Machine...Lose Yourself

I remember my mom would say, "You just don't fear anything do you?" That was after I nearly cut my left thumb off as a result of a water fight. I sliced it on glass bowl inside of a friend’s house. In the hospital I remember being ticked that I wasn’t going to make it to the movies that night. While raging war on the other girls with my water bombs, I severed a major nerve and ended up needing months of physical therapy. But that’s how life is at times when you get lost in the moment. It can be exhilarating and extremely painful. I guess I've always been some what of a rabble-rouser, doing things that I “shouldn’t” be doing. Is that so bad?


I've tried to be totally lady-like and abide by certain rules and structures. Let's be honest, it sucks and it’s kinda boring. Don’t get me wrong it’s major fun dressing lady-like and it's cool being a lady in a relationship. Even still, it's not enough for this experience called life. It's never been enough for me. There's like this lil beast inside that rages to do things, grow, stretch, test things to the limit. Life has to be intense, extreme even. I’m a Porsche that’s built to race, hugging the side of the road, screaming to go a little bit faster. There’s this yearning to feel, to taste all that can be experienced. And yet it’s sooo hard when you’re surrounded by endless lanes of blah. I find myself slowing down to plan for the next exit on the fwy.  And lately my car has been stuck on idle.  For me, that’s worst than the engine dying.

I mean why are we all here? What’s the point if it’s not to be ALIVE? See! Hear! Smell! Touch! Taste!

And just like that, I was humming along on the fwy one day and the soundtrack showed up. I heard this voice. The sound was like a heartbeat on fire, bursting in flames. I’m like, “YOOOOOOOOOOOOO who is this chick, I NEED HER?” She wailed over the guitar and her voice got stuck in my heart. And like a fiend, I started scrambling to find the sound, the song, any resemblance of that tribalistic noise. It changed me. I was so high.

And just like love, I was infected. You can’t stop matters of the heart. There are times I’ve tried to erase the feeling behind meeting a stranger. Fools we are, thinking we are in control. And I began my hunt. I went back to the radio station for it. Nothing! Not even after a month. And since I suck at remembering what I hear, I had the lyrics all wrong. My Google searches and iTunes searches were leading me to nowhereseville. DAMN IT! Finally, the other day while driving to that same friend’s house, it came on and I BLASTED it. This time the hit was even more surreal than the first like I was barely even to focus on the road. And in those 3 minutes I lost myself completely. I can’t even tell you what she was saying. All I know is that I left myself…flying. That’s what artists can do to you if you're not careful. They speak to our souls with or without our permission. They remind us why we’re here in the first place. It doesn’t matter what language they use because the universal language, that existed before time isn’t spoken at all but rather felt.

It’s one thing to be entertained. I’ve been entertained and delighted plenty of times, pops songs and all. But it’s a whole other thing to be swallowed up in an artist’s trance unable to break free of their melody.
One day, I sincerely hope you find a song that SHAKES the dust off your wings whatever it may be. And when you do find it, I hope it makes you roll down your windows, speed up a little faster and yell out the window like your life depends on it. If you’re lucky it might remind you of why you’re here in the first place.

http://florenceandthemachine.net/video (Dog Days Are Over)

Shak
100.

I'm Inspired by Martha Graham

Check out Google today, 5/1/11, it’s inspired by a dancer/choreographer named Martha Graham. I took a few moments to look her up on my fav, Wikipedia. And I found an amazing convo that she had with a dancer who was an up and comer at the time.
http://www.google.com/

Here’s there exchange:

According to Agnes de Mille: "The greatest thing she ever said to me was in 1943 after the opening of Oklahoma!, when I suddenly had unexpected, flamboyant success for a work I thought was only fairly good, after years of neglect for work I thought was fine. I was bewildered and worried that my entire scale of values was untrustworthy. I talked to Martha. I remember the conversation well. It was in a Schrafft's restaurant over a soda. I confessed that I had a burning desire to be excellent, but no faith that I could be.

Martha said to me, very quietly:"

“There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. ... No artist is pleased. [There is] no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others."

I need to frame her quote. I feel that the greatest thing you can do creatively in the beginning is to stay open to the inspiration. Most people choke it because they’re too busy worried about the outcome, or they get caught up in executing busy work or how it looks along the way. In their attempt to completely control the creative process they close up the exchange, suffocate it and so they don’t receive the energy. And there is so much purity and power in that exchange. It’s how folks are able to do ish they’ve never done before creatively. And I’ve never heard anyone reference it so explicitly until now. Well besides in Star Wars but that’s “fiction”.  I love this part especially, “it is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open”.

How lovely and how freeing that is for all creators.  She's saying, there is something worthwhile about your creation because it's uniquely you.  WOW!  Thanks Martha.

Shak
100.

What is an artist?

Dear best self,

Why can't you just bend?  How about a little?
 I think there is a big difference b/w wanting to create for the sake of having talent (singing, dancing, acting, writing and rapping) and having to SPILL out what’s inside you because you have to get something out to the world. To be honest, I was just about to go the regular Hollywood path, getting Headshots, taking classes, looking for an agent, hitting the audition path in order to fit into the mold but I lost all my energy along the way. Reminds of me of when I was in the music industry game, I would have killed myself trying to fit into their box, and almost succeeded against the strongest of wills holding me back. But in reality I’m not just a talent, secretly I’m really an artist posing as a talent. I’ve always been.


It’s funny because I really do appreciate other people’s visions and their EFFORT to create them. But when you see variations of the same PATTERNS, the same reoccurring characters being recycled over and over it’s enough to make me check out. And I see why many artists live lives of solitude. They’re so tired of the same song being played on repeat that they say to hell with trying to listen for a new tune. But new lyrics are written. And new patterns do emerge it’s what gives us hope. Yet, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Beethoven, Van Gogh, Cobaine and others have decided to leave this space. One can only desperately Jazzle (fit into the plastic molding) in an attempt to be normal for so long.

I finally asked my dad to level with me, “What do you see is my number one stumbling block to succeeding as an artist?” In so many words, he said, “Time, Resources and Focus”. He went on to tell me that I have an umbrella of projects with only a limited amount of hours and only a certain amount of focus to devote to any number of those projects at any given time. He explained that I have to increase my focus and narrow it at the same time. WOWZERS! Then he hit me in the gut. “I think you should get a list of all of the projects you’ve started and decide which ONE you’re going to accomplish first”. He went on to say, “This will not be easy for you. You’ve always had a number of competing demands vying for your attention. I suggest you take a weekend, a week or a month to decide which one you will prioritize.” Then he hit me with the upper cut. “Don’t abandon that first project EVEN if it means taking 2 years to accomplish it; do not move to number 2 unless you finish number 1. And it will be the most painful and liberating thing you’ve ever accomplished.” I appreciate him for his honesty.

All of a sudden I could remember the passages from Russell Simmons book in “Do You” talking about vision and how you should never abandon your original vision. GREAT! That now leaves me with making another BIG decision. Gotta love how answering one decision about your path (I’m going to create all original content) pushes you into making another decision (which content?). And the big Q: emerged, which one of my projects do I choose? That’s like picking between kids, if I had kids. How do you say, “I love you all the same, but I just need to focus on your brother this semester, well maybe the next four years because he’s about to go off to college”. I mean how do you choose? My pops also concluded with more painful commentary. I said, “How often do you think artists make real money”? He said, “Hardly ever, but when they are creating they’re happy and that’s far more than most people can ever say in this lifetime”.

Guess that old man has a point. Gotta love that wisdom!

Shak
100.

P.S. I love this guy’s story about what makes someone a true artist.
http://sye.me/post/742070566/what-makes-someone-an-artist

Spooky Shak: What is she up to now?

So I watched the movie “300” on Sunday in addition to going to church. Truthfully, I was looking for a few answers from both. The Spartan King decides to choose a path best fitting for a man that honors freedom. Sure it didn’t meet the rules and regulations of his kingdom. But it kinda makes you ask the question. Is there a higher set of rules and laws than what governs our present society? Hmmmm Nothing in life is set in stone, not even laws. One day the law says Blacks can’t vote. Then time progresses, people progress and the law changes with that progression. This world is forever in flux, forever becoming something more.


But I digress. What I admired about the King was his resolve. He made a decision and for better or worse he went ALL IN. Sometimes I feel like that’s where the magic is. We gotta find a way to go “all in”. Church complimented that theme and talked about being bold and free to accomplish what we really want to accomplish. Actually, being free to accomplish what our soul wants, not necessarily what we want. The Rev went on to say that most of us are living lives based on a manual that was scripted by our parents, teachers and loved ones. And while most of their advice is based in love; it may not be fitting for who we are destined to be. That was an eye opener.

He talked about our soul wanting to break free. It wants to express more creativity, more love, and more power. I knew what he was talking about. I felt like he was talking directly to me, like somehow I had been found out. All of a sudden, I felt very uncomfortable. The sermon brought me face to face with my present dilemma. Should I create my own creative content and develop something from scratch OR should I fit myself into someone else’s dream? It’s actually really simple. Some people excel at fitting into a role that’s already created. Many lawyers, doctors, actors and teachers accomplish this by excelling in the industries and systems that are already in present reality. And then you have the outliers. There is the lawyer that takes on a case that’s deemed unfit for his profession because it may change a present day law. There is the doctor that creates an instrument that uses music to heal ailments and the research defies present day modes of thinking about medicine. How about the actor that creates his own show that challenges our notion of sexuality and goes on to travel the world’s stages? And finally, there’s the teacher that dreams up another solution to the systematic problems plaguing American education.

Truthfully…in church that morning. I knew like I knew like I knew the answer. It’s always been there. I found it very young when I would turn my mother’s living room floor into a craft factory with glitter and Valentine’s cards working wee hours into the morning. I didn’t want the store bought cards. They were soooo unoriginal. Oh but I have tried MY DAMNEST to blot out AUTHENTICITY. This society screams out BE THE SAME, BE MEDIOCRE, BE CONTENT WITH WHAT YOU SEE. Why was I born a dreamer? Actually, I think we’re all born dreamers. That’s why we’re here. But only a few of us will persist to make our dreams become reality. Sure I had met a few of the weirdoes, there was Mrs. Dorn, Kanye West, and my friend’s father Shuki Levy. But why did I have to go down this same path? Why couldn’t I just be a regular Joe or rather Jolie?

And so for the past 2 years I’ve been going back and forth. I hopped into acting/writing as if it was going to magically change my soul’s original quest. I thought perhaps by being in an artistic field where I could play “artist” I could settle this uneasiness within my spirit. But it’s not enough. I can’t do what other actors do. I can’t just fit into a script and go out for any audition. No, that will not do. My “self” is getting impatient. It’s has had enough of my antics. No, I have to create something that’s not here. I have to find a way to change something. BREAK THE CODE! When I was a teacher, I created my own curriculum. When I was in the music industry, I couldn’t just be a “music employee”. I brought in artists, Tyga was one of them, and a studio was created in my house. I’ve TRIED VERY HARD TO FIT IN…TO KEEP THE STATUS QUO BUT I’M A DIFFERENT PATTERN. I can’t help but create different outcomes. My FORMULA is not here. It just isn’t. This is why I am here…it’s why we’re all here. We have a task to create what hasn’t been created yet on the physical plane. There I’ve said it. I have finally said it. No more trying to break into the systems. I’m going to create another one.

Shak
100.

She's Got That Sparkle!!



I was talking to my pops as I normally do on a fine Saturday morning, and I told him about how I became familiar with those who live life with PASSION.  And I tried honestly to find a word that completely describes these types of folks but couldn't find any word that quite captures the essence.  I will refer to them as Passionistas.

How does a person become a Passionista?  The answer is I don't know completely.  I do know however, when I was first introduced to the underground society ANNND when I first pledged.

I remember the first time I met someone whose energy was completely on fire.  That's really the only way I could describe her.  She was my 4th grade teacher, Mrs. Dorn.  She had to be in her late forties at the time which is clearly grandma territory to a kid.  BUT she didn't look a day over 27 with her flamboyant, ultra bright colored dresses and screaming red lipstick.  She wore high heels and pranced around the room like a character straight out of Disney.  I remember begging my mother to get to school extra early just so I could wait for her presence.  I was hypnotized.  Only her title disclosed she was a teacher but I always thought she wasn't from this world.  It was very obvious to me that she possessed "other abilities" like knowing the inner workings of magic potions and spells.  School just couldn't come soon enough, because deep within the walls of the classroom I was learning the framework of the hidden arts.  This was the first time in life where I think I worked around the clock for someone just because I couldn't help but do so.  I would clean, sweep, organize...anything to be in the midst of the "great one". 

It was there I wrote my first lines of poetry while listening to classical music.  I would use 10 different colors of glitter to design the cover for my very first novel.  I also learned about the heroic adventures of Perseus and the wonderful characters that dwell within Greek Mythology.  Who was she really?   I always thought I would find an answer.  But you see at this time in my life, I didn't have a voice to ask.  I mean sure I was a writer.  Words streamed together was my first language.  But I didn't know how to talk.  I would just do my work and turn it in with the rest, never raising a hand or talking out loud in class.  I didn't know my opinion really mattered that much.  And then it happened.  She called on me in class and I got the wrong answer.  I WAS MORTIFIED!

And I remember her words, "Shakira, don't make a mountain out of a molehill".  Well, that sounded great and all but I was totally embarrassed, one by hearing the sound of my own meek voice and two by not knowing what the hell a molehill was?  So she did what any great teacher would do.  She enrolled me in the school wide oratorical contest.  That's right, she picked the MUTE in her class to speak on behalf of the magnet school. And to add insult to injury, she picked a god-awful long poem for me to recite.  It was titled, "What shall I tell my children who are black"?  INTERESTING.  For at this point in time, I knew about as much about Black History as South Park's Cartman knows about etiquette...not much. 

I was supposed to deliver a poem about Black people in front of the whole SCHOOL?  But what if I forget half of it?  What if everyone begins to laugh at me?  What if the kids start asking more questions about my race?  Didn't she know that my mom checked white in order to get me in the magnet?  Everyone and their mom always asked questions about my race but I didn't know what that was. I remember telling the other kids that I was Creole because my parents told me to say that.  But ummmm yeah, in the 4th grade, who knows what that is?  I couldn't explain it.  Maybe I was a completely different species.  Why couldn't my parents have just said I was Black or White or something that all other kids understood.  Let's face it.  The whole situation was a perfect SET UP for a complete disaster. 

I attempted to cry my way out of it for a whole week.  And it was an UTTER FAIL.  This was Mrs. Dorn after all.  The fairy who had decided for better or worse to use her magical powers AGAINST me.  Not only did I feel betrayed but I was completely lost.  How could this be? It was I who served as her right hand apprentice.  Why wouldn't she show me favor?

The day before the contest I remember having my first and only PANIC ATTACK.  Then the thoughts of defeat just came rolling in one by one.  Maybe I could fake my own death or better I could run away or I could...

The morning of the contest I was actually relaxed because I had completely exhausted myself the two weeks before with non-stop crying and pleading.  I decided that the whole thing was one BIG JOKE.  The mute speaking in front of the school.  I think I was on the side of being delusional.  I thought no one would be paying attention.  I'll go up, say a few words, they'll give me a sympathy applause and I'll be on my merry way.  And so I remember taking the stage with a "La-Dee-Da" attitude.  And then it happened...I heard myself for the very first time.

In the midst of the recital, I could actually hear how I sounded and all the tones bounced around the auditorium, the low notes, the high notes and everyone was listening.  The poem itself created the perfect backdrop with its melodic words about heart break and gut wrenching exclusion.  I was just a kid.  But it started to flow because the words felt utterly TRUE.  Why was the beautiful color black demonized?  Why were things that were different criticised?  In my mind I replaced the title with What Shall I Tell the Mute who Doesn't Speak?  I knew that pain far too well...being quiet, being different, and being creative. 

Check out the poem:
http://www.sojournersplace.com/2009/07/what-shall-i-tell-my-children-who-are.html

When the poem was finished.  Crowds of parents, students and teachers all ran to the front of the stage to start asking me questions.  "What is the name of the poem again"?  "Who is the author of that poem"?  "What made you choose this poem?"  All of a sudden the mute was an authority figure on a subject that I hardly knew about a month ahead of time.  It was overwhelming to say the least.  WHO WAS I?  I won first place.  The mute won first place in a speaking contest. 

And just as you expect for a magic fairy to do...Mrs. Dorn gets through the crowd and tells me, "Don't forget this moment".  How could I?  She had conspired against me from the very beginning.  How did she do it?  Maybe she snuck a few drops of her magic potion in my juice when I wasn't looking. :)  And for that I'm eternally grateful.  Sometimes those who are seemingly against us are actually working in our favor.  Next time you are ever so fortunate to meet one of these types, as CRAZY as they may be.  Listen to the Passionistas!  Watch them!  Study them!  It is this secret society who give us the "other advice" on how to become more in this lifetime.  And if you listen long enough you may be lucky enough to hear them whisper your formula for greatness.  Whatever it is, it will equate to "Dare Great & Mighty Things!"

Shak
100.

Grindin'...no this isn't an ode to the Neptunes! (But I do love them)

I'm so tired of folks coming up to me telling me about their hustle alone. I guess with most rappers constantly talking about moving weight and staying "on their grind" and "everyday I'm hustlin" it must seem like the thing to do.  But it's not just the rappers; it's the parents, it's the bosses, it's the love ones, hell we can argue this message is coming from everywhere.

BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT

You can hustle hard your whole damn life and remain standing still. I mean if you don't have a purpose behind what you're doing it will be all for nothing.  Case in point: When I was little, lol, 21 years old all I could think about was buying a condo. I didn't know why I wanted to buy a house...maybe I heard something about it being attached to the American Dream. I knew that in order to be a "complete" person, I would have to acquire this item. Now looking back that was fear motivating me to purchase a home. I thought, if I don’t have a home that’s “mine” I’m not going to live a stable life. That's most of us right? We gotta have this amount of money in our 401k and this type of car to drive, if we don’t have this and that than we’re screwed. WRONG!!!

Is having a condo nice? Yes it is. But does it complete me as a human being? NO! I wish someone would have broken that down for me prior to 21.  It's great to set goals.  No one is arguing that, however, setting goals that are not connected to our higher purpose is pointless in the long run.  We have to figure out what our PURPOSE is in life in order to gain happiness or we will spend the rest of our lives trying to feed that void. PERIOD. That means money, cars, homes and significant others will not be able to bring us lasting happiness if they're not connected to a higher purpose. And that feeling of being incomplete is a super scary feeling to have for 20-80 years. Often times that feeling is so bad and uneasy that we medicate it with alcohol, drugs, women, horrible relationships...you name it.

Why are we here in the first damn place? Are we here to make people laugh or cry? Do we want to help others or hurt them? Are we here to create or to destroy? I truly believe that what we are here to do resonates with the very essence of our soul. It's what makes us giddy with excitement to the point in which we are overwhelmed with joy and tears. (And it doesn’t cost a cent to experience this type of happiness).  However, it could take time to find it within ourselves. The trick is you can't get it by looking at someone else’s blue print because we're all hard wired differently. Took me a minute to get that fully, like 10 years. I can’t copy anyone because I’m an original and so are you. For that I’m grateful.

The name of this blog is INSPIRE the grind. Inspiration is literally translated to mean the breath of God. My personal belief is that we’re all inspired beings. We just cut ourselves off from the source. But when we connect to the thing that makes us happy, boy o boy there is no stopping our shine. It is my sincere hope that we all find our inspiration on our grind or journey on Earth.

A word of caution: Most of us have NO IDEA what the hell we're doing here. You can argue that NONE of us really know what we're doing here on planet Earth but that’s not where I’m going with this little rant. Of course there are religious manuals and various creeds and descriptions that give us a code or guide for rightful living. But what do we do with those great sources of inspiration? That’s right...the opposite of what they’re intended for us to do. We argue about which book is right, the pictures on the pages, the places where the books originate and the authenticity of the statues. What the heeeezy man? And in turn, we get distracted or totally lost in the sauce and think those books are all a sham. At least that’s how I felt at 13 years of age. Nothing could really reach me. I wish all the great religions of the world could come together and just say what they need to say in a simple word: LOVE. But that makes things too simple.

As a result…we don’t know what the hell to believe. The great majority of us are just blowing in the wind...killing time...smoking and drinking, getting A**, working a 9-5, chillin with the homies or warring with our families. Of course there are highlights to this type of existence, maybe a kid's birth or a wedding ceremony or a really cool movie on a Friday night. But the great tragedy is we never take a moment, a day, a week to look within ourselves and find out what makes us HAPPY.

Why oh why do we continue to plague ourselves with so much misery following someone else’s idea of happiness? I'm tired of blaming it on the devil. What did that dude ever do to me? What can we do to make ourselves a little more joyful?

I believe happiness comes from each and every moment. It's this gift called life. Like, we have this awesome chance to become great in this lifetime at whatever we choose to experience. We fall and fall again because we’re just learning and that’s ok. But we can become better friends, better strangers, better bosses, better employees, better artists, better dreamers...ECT. We don't need permission to be loving and happy. And yet that's how most of us parade around town. “My boss won’t let me do this and it’s ruining my day”. REALLY? You’re entire day or life is ruined by one person who does not control your mind, your creativity, and your vision? Interesting. “I don’t have the money to go to college so I’m not going to go”. REALLY? Hmmm so just because you don’t have the money in your pocket right now, you’re going to deny yourself an opportunity to grow because you can only see one way to gain entry.

We all suffer from limited vision. I remember how I first glimpsed the infinite. I didn’t get it in a book or from a person. I was just a kid bored just staring at the ground. I saw an entire army of ants, marching onward, talking in a coded whisper, moving with purpose and total order. I’ve never looked at the world the same since that encounter. For some reason or another everything looked different when I looked up.   When most of us get out of bed in the morning; we only see chaos. I wish we could have faith in the order because eventually we could see it in our own lives.

Some seemingly good and some seemingly bad situations will happen to all of us but they will pass because everything in life is in constant motion. It has to be that way otherwise how could we grow from nothing into something? But it’s because of our limited understanding of this concept that we place UNREALISTIC expectations on others and on ourselves to remain still, frozen and never changing as human beings. I’m sooooo guilty of this but I have to remind myself to be thankful for those who come into my life and for those who leave because they are making way for new and more pleasant experiences.

WE HAVE TO STOP LIMITING OURSELVES!

We act like our circumstances define who we are. We are not who our parents are. We are not our zip codes. We are not our race. We are not our income bracket. WE ARE BOUNDLESS POTENTIAL. Let’s do something with it. Let’s have a little flair, a little fun, a little creativity…

This is a limitless place of possibility. Don't believe the HYPE! Become more little by little, love a lil more. Go ahead try it. Smile at a random person, see what happens. I know, I know you feel weird doing it. Do it anyways. That smile could lead to an entire different life. I’ve witnessed it come true.

I wish success, love and happiness for everyone. Stay inspired on your grind. I beg you!

Shak
100.

We Can Be What We Will Ourselves To Be...

Man,

I will get that damn monologue filmed even if it kills me and it's just me and the web cam.  On our last day of class we all put up our work.  But the camera guy, the coolest guy Will, wasn't able to make it that day. And I was really happy with the end result of the piece.  Not that it was perfect, but it was far from my beginning.  I've realized that's what intrigues me most about this process of creating.  You always end up somewhere far from the beginning if you put in the work.  And one day you look up and realize that you are someone totally different that what you were 1-2 years ago.  How amazing is that?  I remember the day I decided I was going to start acting.

No I wasn't 4 years old.  I never had any particular draw to become famous or to sign autographs.  LOL  I never thought about it actually except for when my older bro would use me for his Twilight Zone reenactments.  It wasn't really until a few years back that I gave acting any thought.  In fact, I'm the type of person that is sooooo caught up in the NOW it's really hard to plan for tomorrow.  With that said, from time to time I decide to become something different in life, something more.  Most of the time it's when I get this feeling that I can't do anymore for that particular role in life OR I've discoverd another passion.  It's the most EXCITING thing too.  I've been a student, a girlfriend, a best friend, a lover, a high school teacher, a music producer's manager, a corporate trainer and now an actress.  Friends of mine say I get obsessed.  This total burning desire to go after something with all my heart.  But the only thing that I try to do with each of these particular roles is WIN.  That means I try my best to go all in, give it my all, give what I have to give and learn as much as possible.  I don't always succeed.  I've had several failed relationships, and a most painful experience within music which I loved dearly.  But I do PLAY the game.

In my experience, the thing that baffles me the most in life is that there are so few players.  I have yet to quite figure it out as of today the reason why.  Acting is by far one of the most exhilarating games I've played thus far.  I haven't really even started but I'm so enthused.  It's the performance.  The ability to capture something and create it to be whatever you wish it to be.  I think that's total freedom.  And if you're lucky, you can make someone feel something that you're feeling.  That's power.

I can't wait for the perfect role that I may have to create for myself if it doesn't show up soon enough.  I wish to create a beautiful character out of a most ugly situation or predicament.  :)  Wish me luck. 

P.S. The monologue will be up before long.  It's called "Rest Assured" by Joseph Arnone.  I'm sure it will resonate with those of you who have gone through great lengths to reach a goal to no avail.  The pain of not reaching a particular dream seems unbearable for a time.  At least it did for me.  Until I woke up one day from my heartache...and met someone who hadn't dared to live out any dream at all. He told me his pain was much worse.  That's when I woke up and starting living again, dreaming another dream that's bigger in scope. 

Shak
100.

It's Finally Time to Tame the Beast!

Man it’s hard to realize that you’re the one driving the car. I know…I know what the hell is Shak talking about? I’m talking about taking control of your life. It’s just that this year has been HEEEEEEEEEEELA HARD.  And I’ve been the main reason why it’s been that way.  Sure, I could blame the Recession Monster (kind of a creepy dude) or the Money Bandit (another creepster) but the real truth is I’ve done a damn fine job of getting in my own way.  I spend many waking minutes envisioning conflict sometimes in my waking hours.  Who does that?  Oh, you do it too?

Check out my most recent example.  Getting a minor concussion from playing soccer with 10 stitches.  Boy when I envision, I manifest!  I even remember thinking a week before the incident, how cool would it be to get a tattoo with "Beauty & The Beast". 

Day 2:  Right After The Hit ( I went up for a soccer header & well it didn't go as planned.  Thank Goodness for pain killers.)

OUCH (10 stitches)!!!!!!

Day 7: No more thinking crazy, battle-themed thoughts.  I promise! 

The truth is I have this 80/20 thing going on, maybe you guys do too. 80% of the time, I’m optimistic, I’m bright & cheery and thankful to be alive on this grand journey we call LIFE. But the other 20% of me would make Darth Vader shudder. It’s my inner beast that I’m talking about. It’s afraid to become more in life, it’s worried about making enough money, it’s afraid to get close to someone in a relationship and so what does it do? SEEK, SELF SABOTAGE & DESTROY!

Seriously.

2010 has been my own version of HALO. Because I love creating battles, I mean EPIC battles for myself I decided to kill myself financially and pay my mortgage by myself right when I was on track to decrease my finances and pursue acting 100%. This is nothing new; I’ve been paying for everything since I was 17 years of age. I have the lone ranger act down pact. I’m so ready for my scene where I walk into the sunset it ain’t even funny. But this isn’t good folks; it’s tragic hero behavior. Those who win create a team of support. Those who win don’t create obstacles for themselves but rather create solutions.

Who knows, maybe I feel like life will be too damn easy without the obstacles.  But isn't that a good thing? I think that dude in the matrix, Agent Smith was right when he said, “…as a species, human beings define their reality through misery and suffering. The perfect world was a dream that their primitive cerebrum[s] kept trying to wake up from.” Say it ain’t so Agent Smith!!!!

I thought I had it. I thought through all of my research on personal development, I had learned to master my thoughts. I mean read through the posts I wrote the previous year. BOY WAS I WRONG! Every time I try to convince someone (including myself) that we can create our own happiness…it turns into this Disney vs. Apocalypse argument. What if Agent Smith is right? Who cares that he’s a fictional character. What if we just can’t accept that happiness is real and totally possible?

Well, I’m at it again. I’m opening up the positive reinforcement books. I realize that it’s a practice not a one and done scenario. It’s like lifting weights and eating healthy…it’s for life not for a season in your life. And more important than taking care of your body is taking care of what you feed your mind. So, for the time being, I’m focusing on peace, abundance and happiness.

I already know it takes a MASTER MIND to focus on such things in a world that blocks light, perpetuates fear, increases poverty…but each of us can make such a huge difference. I’m taking baby steps. I’m back on my inspired grind. I’m back in acting class with a most positive teacher, Dustin Felder. Check that dude out. I realize my efforts for 2011 will be spent on building a team of positive, inspirational and in Dustin’s words “winning mentality” types of folks. I can lose by myself. Nobody can create better war like scenarios than the ones I manifest in my mind. So, this time around I’m going to put myself to the test and envision a total win-win scenario for my whole camp.

I’ll let you guys know what happiness looks like.

Shak
100.

Audition for Oprah's Reality Show...Your OWN Show!

I woke up at 2:50 am for my audition for Oprah’s OWN Network Reality Show. Being blessed, my dad agreed to bring me to the audition and he shortly arrived at my house around 3:30 am. He brought his own rendition of a Mc Muffin with just egg and cheese and some hot tea. At around 3:45 I realized how lucky I am to have him in my life. He is and always has been my number one supporter throughout all my crazy endeavors. Not once has he ever looked at me with total dismay as I explain one of my off the wall concepts. Everyone and I mean everyone needs a sounding-board. The go-to-person who makes you feel human, normal and somewhat connected. That person is often hard to find when you’re a dreamer. Our ideas are often lofty, pie-in-the-sky and non-existent in the “real world”. I asked him on the ride up why he always went along with my crazy ideas. He simply said, “It’s just so much fun, I don’t know what’s going to happen next”. LOL


And there you have it. It’s not always about the execution of dreams, but it’s the ride that is well worth it. Oh and we’ve gone on many rides. I remember when I was 21 and told him that I wanted to buy a condo; he would often accompany me on Open House trips. I would always talk about what kind of party I would throw in the backyards. Some of the homes were mansions, others were condos but we would discuss their potential. He could have stopped me. After all, I didn’t have $100 in my pocket. I was in debt from going to USC. But he just went along for the ride. And then something happened rather magical. We stumbled upon “the” condo on the edge of Downtown Culver City. I told my dad that it was the one because I felt it. This was before Culver City was going through its many renovations and the neighborhood just had potential. I just knew it in my gut that I was going to buy it and gave the guy my word. So I did what any rational person would do, I started calling banks. I called 20 to be exact and they all turned me down. I had been working for less than 6 months as a teacher and had $0 in the bank. I still don’t know why the seller literally went off a handshake with a kid. What was he crazy?

But there is magic in pure belief. In that same week, my dad received a check for his car accident that happened 2 years prior and I was about to receive my federal student loan money for graduate school. I promised my dad if he would give me $8,000 as the down payment, I would return it to him the very next week. Finally, a lady from Wells Fargo called and said she would do her best to close the deal. Now looking back, that was totally crazy and backwards thinking. Back then, I would believe first when I had nothing. Then I would act as if I already had it. And like magic it always appeared. I’ve been dreaming my whole life but I digress…

We arrived at Kohl’s in Laguna Niguel around 4am. There was already a line of about 300 people. The parking lot was closed. But my dad simply dropped me off and went to a nearby parking lot to read. Meanwhile I took out my beach chair and copped a squat. I met a couple of really interesting folks: a very attractive blond, early forties who was an ex-cheerleader, married to a pro-football player; an ex-drug addict who became sober after a prison bid; a mid-aged woman in a wheelchair who survived a car accident and a young, stay-at-home mom. Boy one thing was for sure, this wasn’t going to be a long, boring wait. I mean when else would I ever get to talk to all of those folks at once? What an adventure life is.

Finally, we were close to the front of the line but I noticed a slim, athletic built, blond woman to my left. She was an athlete for certain who happened to be missing one of her legs. I couldn’t remember how I knew her. Did she go to my gym? Where we in class together? And then it hit me. She was on one of my dream boards. Not a woman that looked like her, IT WAS HER. I had no choice but to go up to tell her that I knew her and how I knew her. And I remember telling her that she inspired me to run. If she could run marathons, then I could run them too. Man it’s still a bit crazy that I actually saw someone from my dream board. I LOVE IT!

But of course when I actually got to the auditioning part 10 minutes later, I think I was a bit high off life and unfocused. I didn’t exactly give the concept pitch for my show as succinctly as I would have liked. BUMMER! And as a result, I didn’t get a call back. DANG! And I decided well on to the next opportunity. First, the very next day, I decided to research someone that is currently doing ALL that I want to be doing day in and day out. I knew it would be difficult to find the vision of the person I wanted to be. After all, I am a writer that aspires to be a published author, an inspirational coach that aspires to get PAID for what I do, a speaker, actress, blogger. I was determined to find someone as close to this vision as possible. And it took all of 5 minutes. She was already in my favorites on my work computer. Her name is Jennifer Tuma Young, and although she’s not an actress, she does all the rest.

And as I begin reading her blog, I noticed that she too had attended the Oprah audition in NJ. In addition, her dad aided her in scoping out a location super early in the morning. Furthermore, she said it herself that she didn’t give a specific enough concept for her show idea so she didn’t receive a call back. BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT, there is a caveat here. She had decided that she was going to also submit a video audition and that she wasn’t giving up. Had I already decided to throw in the towel? Why? I’ll admit I felt a bit defeated like we all do when things don’t work out as planned.

And I learned a very important lesson. When we give up, others are picking themselves up and attacking the mission. We all will stumble in the beginning. We’re novices and have limited experience with our dreams. It should never be taken as a sign of failure though. Failure is when we call it quits. And quitting on our dreams are unacceptable. At that moment, I remember the woman who runs marathons, the woman on my dream board. I wonder how many times she had to pick herself up before she could run.

Today I film my video portion for the Oprah Audition. It should be completely edited by Friday and I will post it. I guess you can say this is ROUND 2.

Shak
100.

Day 2: the "Challenge"

At this point, I'm technically in Day 3 but I digress....

So, Shak came up with this brilliant idea a few days ago after reading something about Quentin Tarantino.  He wrote "Reservoir Dogs" in 3.5 weeks.  That was his first feature and well, we all know where he is now.  There's a whole amazing story about how he ended up getting it funded and shot that I knew about but I didn't know how long he took to write it.  To paraphrase, here's the challenge: write a short, feature, pilot, or story in 3.5 weeks.  "Ok, I'm down," I say.  There are the moments that change our lives forever; this is one of them, I can feel it.  That push, that challenge to do the most...  I'm excited and nervous.  What's going to come out in the end?  Who knows.  Even if it still needs work, having a feature in my hand is amazing!  

Currently, I'm up to page 9 of my feature script.  The first day I spent time reading through Final Draft's (my script writing program) tutorial.  I got it as a gift for my Birthday/Christmas (thanks, mom!) and was unable to upload it to my computer until this Thursday because my new computer came finally came in!  (Super long)Sidebar: My other computer was moving rather slowly (it's 5 yrs old) and because I have to use it for my job-job (what pays the bills right now) I didn't want to risk uploading another program on it and it crashing on me.  So, I finally found a MacBook Pro that was brand new and a lil cheaper than what other people were charging and bought it.  Now, when I bought it I had just spent $700 fixing my car but was expecting a check from my last job to arrive any day.  Wellllll, it still hasn't arrived AND I had to pretty much empty out my saving's account and put off paying my car note in order to pay my rent.  Yep, awesome.  lol  (It's the grind right? :) )  I don't have buyer's remorse because I needed to make that leap and buy the computer already so I could start to upload footage from my camera (the other computer because it's older won't recognize the files), start formatting scripts and just be winner for goodness sakes.  I'm knocking out all of the "reasons" one by one for why I'm not exactly where I see myself.  The camera was the first step, the computer the next and this challenge the most recent.

I just got home from taking my mentee to a Dodger vs Braves game (the Braves won 9-3! sweet!) and all I could think about on the way home was getting in front of my computer to continue to write.  I was able to do a few pages earlier before I left for the game.  I had a great impromptu brainstorming session with Sakinah, too  (thanks, sis) that had me super juiced.

What's crazy is that the story that I've been in love with/has been haunting me for the last 6 years is finally feeling like it's being pieced together.  I've jotted down notes as they've come to me about the characters over those years and a partial scene here and there as it comes but over the last couple of days they finally feel like they're coming alive to me inside my head.  I can't say what it's about just yet because that would t-t-totally ruin the surprise (lol) but suffice it to say I love it and it's going to be dope.  

So, I'm off to continue writing a bit then finally going to bed.  I've been up forever, it feels like.  We had a great run this morning in Palos Verdes and I think I might still be high off of that, or the creativity, or the Braves win... either way, still winning.


100.

Bright

Are you an observer or a doer?

Every day I question the pursuit of my path.  Every day I wonder why do I have this hunger to create.  Every day I wonder if I will be able to produce in time...before it's too late.  Every day I wonder if it is worth it to create when there is no guarantee that it will be received well or sold.  And every day I realize I have no choice but to create.  

 The story below is taken from Steven Pressfield's About section:  (He's a professional writer/screenwriter that is a major advocate of fighting one's own personal creative Resistance in order to "turn pro" or rather to become the great artists/writers/creators/actors/fill-in-the-blank that we are capable of becoming)

     My father was in the Navy, and I was born in Port of Spain, Trinidad, in 1943. I graduated from Duke University in 1965. Since then, I've worked as an advertising copywriter, schoolteacher, tractor-trailer driver, bartender, oilfield roustabout and attendant in a mental hospital. I've picked fruit in Washington state, written screenplays in Tinseltown, and was homeless, living out of the back of my car with my typewriter. My struggles to earn a living as a writer (it took seventeen years to get the first paycheck) are detailed in The War of Art.

     With the publication of The Legend of Bagger Vance in 1995, I became a writer of books once and for all. From there followed the historical novels Gates of Fire, Tides of War, Virtues of War, The Afghan Campaign and Killing Rommel.
     My writing philosophy is a kind of warrior code—internal rather than external—in which the enemy is identified as those forms of self-sabotage that I call "Resistance" with a capital R (in The War of Art). The technique for combating these foes can be described as "turning pro."
     I believe in previous lives and the Muse—and that books and music exist before they are written and that they are propelled into material being by their own imperative to be born, via the offices of those willing servants of discipline, imagination and inspiration, whom we call artists. My conception of the artist's role is a combination of reverence for the unknowable nature of "where it all comes from" and a no-nonsense, blue-collar demystification of the process by which this mystery is approached. In other words, a paradox.

     There's a recurring character in my books, named Telamon, a mercenary of ancient days. Telamon doesn't say much. He rarely gets hurt or wounded. And he never seems to age. His view of the profession of arms is a lot like my conception of art and the artist: "It is one thing to study war, and another to live the warrior's life."

I love the fact that he's done a catrillion things in his life, I've often felt weird that I've worked a million jobs in search of my highest calling, only to find that it doesn't exist, I have to create it.  Sometimes I think it's the search, the pursuit that drives me, the longing to become MORE in this lifetime.


Here's a guy that's shining the light on those who are willing and courageous enough to heed the warrior's call.  I believe we all receive this call in life at one point or another to follow what's in our heart but we all don't  follow.   I love his last line, "It is one thing to study war, and another to live the warrior's life."  

Shak
100.

Random Stream of Thought...Energy

In Response to Bright's Blog:

I'm glad you're feeling very creative and with Bright spirits.  :)

As for "depression" kid, in the future try not to give it any of your attention if humanly possible. Do not mull over it with moms or sis. Do not speak of it with yourself when you are alone with your thoughts. I know you might not want to call friends when you feel down. Perhaps you think you will give off negativity to them or rather that you will take their positive energy.  That is a valid concern.  But try to quiet yourself, better yet your thoughts and search for the light (watch Katt Williams), he's bound to make you laugh. 

But it takes great mental prowess to only think the positive. We lose patience, we lose hope and we start to slip. We're ALL human. When I fall, I see divisions where as before there was just unity. But we fall and we get back up because we're troopers. The further we climb we understand more truths that there is really only one truth=Love.

Depression, dangerously, is on the vibration of fear, poverty and scarcity. Perhaps a bit worse, it is in the realm of total disconnection to the source/Love. I've tried to work with folks in this perpetual state of depression and it was beyond DIFFICULT.  I was sucked completely dry of my ENERGY source because they were existing on NONE.  It feel like suffocation...run from this scenario immediately.

When we feel disconnected (sick, poor, angry, tired) we're just out of balance. But over time and with great practice we don't have to dwell there beyond a day, an hour, twenty min. Even writing about it brings me great pain and sadness to know that folks are perpetually in that state of being. I've experienced depression's temporary affects when attempting to help others increase their energy, or rather help them feel better. It hurts me too much to remain there and it's dangerous because I become depleted.  I only do it if it is Totally necessary.

I have to center myself daily to remind myself that there are no divisions but the one's I construct in my head. Happiness is a practice that we must maintain. So sad there are no classes on uncovering joy. We have the evening news to thank to teach us negativity.  Interestingly enough, people think happiness is something they acquire but it's there already. We don't realize our power as creators yet. And so we keep spinning the same story of sadness, guilt, and anger. Of course these are all strong statements. Most doctors will strongly refute all of the above and say depression is simply a mental illness.  HELLLLLLLLLLO!  That is precisely what it is...detrimental, negative thoughts.  Fatefully, we think we don't control our thoughts.   Sigh...If only we could always be in the flow. How brilliant we would all be.

Perhaps that is still a little ways off for civilization. Right now there is still so much struggle for energy/love. We have not learned enough of how to gain it ourselves, sustain it and not steal it from others. We complain when we are not loved, we kill when we feel poor. We steal when we feel angry and unbalanced. We create war. All these things are manifestations of disconnecting from the source.  But most of all we struggle with our selves.

PERSONALLY I HATE WHEN FOLKS STEAL MY ENERGY. Buuuuut as often as it happens, I can't stay mad for long (1 hour tops maybe a day on major cases).  I know most people don't know what they're doing. Sigh!  DANG IT...get your own freakin energy supply man.  Take my money, take my ideas but don't steal my energy.

Furthermore, I really need to stop getting upset for helping people  so they can find their own energy source. It's taken me a long time to understand this process and honestly it's easy and a gift. But it goes something like this: a person needs help in life (they're down and out with no do-re-mi, they're spirit is low and they're uninspired, sad, depressed, out of balance feeling fatigued) and I usually give them some of my energy.  Like, "here you go pal, I got a lot...there's so much to go around."  Then they say, "wow this feels kinda cool'.   Slowly, they start practicing this thing called happy thoughts and feeling connected. And what happens next?  I'm thanked for my services and they're off on their own to sustain their own energy source.
HEEEEEEEEEEELL TO THE NO!

Folks call me back immediately, usually they're irate (disconnected again) and they tell me it was a fluke. They think I'm on that stuff called puff the magic dragon which pisses them off even more. But they want some more of it, and come running back.  I keep helping them because that's my business until they finally connect long enough to witness the real MAGIC.  This is where folks take off the training wheels and take the first bike ride through the neighborhood.  I should be very happy at this point because usually they've jumped from super low vibrations and they are singing another tune that sounds like "living the life".

And I've seen miracles performed.  Folks who were homeless got new cars, apartments and jobs.  Those who had 0 ambition become super stars in ultra competitive industries.  People with a few clients gain tenfold.  BUTTTTTTT...something goes wrong. All of a sudden, these same jokers act like they were feeling the sunshine all along in their lives. And they actually come back to me to tell me how THEY DID IT (on their own).  Ummmmmm NOOOOOOO!

Understand when I get a call it's usually because folks are at ground ZERO, sometimes they are at negative 2.  And by "a call", I mean a randomly placed individual happens on my path.  I've seen so many times it's like ok here we go again.  Sorry, I'm digressing and on my little rant.  But it's the truth.  I've NEVER worked with anyone that was already there, well potentially yes, but in actuality NO.  
Bottom line, I have to get over my ego like Kanye.  My ultimate purpose is to inspire. Or better yet, to be a guide.  I'm super blessed to 80% feel the flow that's all around us and within us.  And it doesn't hurt to show others that they can do it too.  But best believe, next time I holla at God, I'm going to ask the creator for another assignment. I mean it's cool and all, and I'm very blessed to have worked with some amazing albeit stubborn as hell people.  But it's a freakin thankless job, and I thought being a teacher was bad.  Let's just say being this whatever you call it, oh "coach" pales in comparison.

But I have an idea.  Yall know you've seen those before and after weight loss commercials?  That's what I'm going to start doing with all new clients, friends, family and strangers. When I meet someone for the first time, I want them to write down in entirety where they are in life at that given moment.  I'm talking Everything!  So next time, one of them gets even the slightest bit of impulse to show me how they got to where they are totally on their own accord; I'll just ever so gently show them the original contract.  WHAAAAAAAMO!

Ok, ok I know that's not my job.  My job is to point out the HAPPY TRAIL.  I kinda like that.  It's my job in this lifetime to get as many people to experience the light that's within and without and god willing I'll ascend a bit higher for it.  The reward is in the giving.  It only makes me brighter and all that jazz.  Sometimes I wish I could turn the ego off.  But I will say to witness light where there was once an abyss is like (I have no words to describe this, I'm at the point of tears) it's ethereal. 

Shak
100.

"I'm Like Rubbin' 2 Logs...."

Feeling on fire.  Since my post on F.E.A.R., I've felt strangely liberated.  I mean, I feel something kinda like A-Ma-Zing.  It's like when I made the decision that I wasn't going to let my limited view or that of others affect my destination the world became my oyster, so to speak.  I have felt so incredibly inspired as of late that it's almost ineffable.  The ideas are pouring forth so quickly and clearly and even from other sources, as well.  The universe is truly my ally and the reverse is true.  

The funny thing about how we feel and what we see is that it can change from moment to moment and from day to day.  That's, once again, the beauty of an ever changing life.  I am feeling appreciation and ownership, knowing that my environment changed because I decided to.  Being more of myself is a necessity and it hurts so much when I can't see me stretching and reaching for all that I want to gain and share.  I realized that when I said that I am worth more and will get more, my life reflected that.  Making ends meet cannot be the end goal or product because that cuts me off from the source, my creativity.  If all I think about is how I am going to get my bills paid then that's all I will bring into my environment.  I began to seek clarity of vision, knowing that it comes from within because that is my gift, envisioning.  I'm a seer and it's so painful when it feels like I can't even grasp a coherent thought.  When I began to return to myself and the way that I do things the well seemed like it sprang forth.  I even had an idea to go have ethiopian food at a spot I'd never been to before and ended up in a conversation with the owner because he had a picture of himself with Stevie Wonder posted.  I knew seeing that photo was a confirmation of my need to be in that place at that time because Stevie is the truth!  I digress...(lol)  At the end of my meal he invited me to come back for live music and then decided that he wanted to show me the back area of the restaurant that was only open during the evening.  When I walked back there I knew instantly that was the place I was supposed to shoot the video for the treatment I'd just written (which, incidentally got rave reviews from the artist ;) ).  I inquired about cost and he told me hundreds of dollars as opposed to thousands of dollars which is what most locations would charge.  He even talked about the crew being able to eat lunch there, so on and so forth.  We established a phenomenal rapport immediately and I am so grateful for the time and connection.  

Everything is definitely meant and I know that I have to make sure I keep my mind in the right space at all times because I sometimes take for granted my innate happiness...that is until depression rears it's ugly head.  Then, I can't see the forest for the smog (what up, shak? lol).  I feel blinded by it but I'm continuing to learn to share all of those moments (positive and not so very positive) because when I let people in they can help me see more clearly and help.  Life retains it's color and I'm a blaze of inspiration to myself and others.

Still t-t-totally winning..... :)

100.

Bright

EXCUSES!

Excuses...everyone has one.



Excuses are monuments of nothing that build bridges to nowhere. Those who use these tools of incompetence are masters of nothing.


I’m no longer going to say, “I don’t have time to write because of my day job.” I’m going to create every day even if it’s for 15-30 minutes. I’m going to keep a note pad by my side and just get to writing. I’m also going to buy a freakin recorder because sometimes the dialogue comes so fast I CAN’T write it out in time.


As for the actual creation of products such as my greeting cards, short films and books; I’m going to set aside 30-60 min every other night right after soaking in the tub to CREATE. I get most of my inspiration and ideas in the tub or while driving. That way I can start small and build a dependable system. On the weekends, I’ll dedicate one day for 1-3 hours to create. 

Hmmm...I already feel better.

Shak
100.

F.E.A.R.

F.E.A.R. = False Evidence Appearing Real.  

- Hill Harper

I am not afraid of most things.  I cannot wait to jump out of a plane.  I wasn't afraid to go to Jordan.  I'm really not afraid of dying.  I like going places by myself.  No problem going to dinner alone.  The movies by myself = cool with me.  I am afraid of failure.  I am afraid of not winning at being a director.  I have been going through this whirlwind of emotions and thoughts... So many thoughts.  I am unhappy with my current job.  Not because of the people I work with.  I think they're awesome.  My job is stressful but it's exciting.  The hours are ridiculously long (think 80+ hour work week) but I get to see cool stuff.  I mean in the span of 2 months alone we worked with a live elephant, rhino (yes, a real live rhino!) and Danica Patrick (cooler than a fan).  My problem, my frustration is that I am helping to put out other people's dreams, not my own.  My home is a safehouse for dreamers who grind...My sister, her best friend Sakinah, my friend Damani, my friend Shawn....  These are all people who have made the leap and I love them for it.  But not me.  I haven't made the jump to go after what I want 100%.  For the third time in my life, I feel alone.  I see myself standing at the top of the cliff and watching all of the people I love and admire and brainstorm with one by one smile at me, turn to look at the cliff and take a running jump.  They disappear from my sight for a second and reappear with wings.  They motion for me to come.  "It's ok...it's easy", they say.  But I'm paralyzed.  I look over the edge and wonder if my wings will sprout, too, or am I not special enough.  Maybe they're different than I am, maybe they're better, more talented.  I have tears in my eyes now because I want it so badly and I am ashamed of my lack of confidence, faith, belief.  Where did it all go?  This is NOT me, I feel like an alien in my own skin, in my own mind.  When I found out my mom had cancer, it exacerbated my anxiety.  I felt like time was running out.  I have to show her that she did an amazing job.  She did the right thing.  Prove to her that everything she has gone through having us was a winning move.  "I just wanna be, I just wanna be successful...." keeps playing in my head.  My vision is blurred and I'm having difficulty tapping into the source.  I go go go but feel like I'm running in circles.  What's funny is that when I moved out to LA 5 years ago, I was not afraid in the very least.  I left every person who knows and loves me to make that leap by myself.  I moved clear across the country to fulfill my life's mission without one ounce of nervousness.  This jump somehow seems greater.  And it is, in a sense...This is the most important decision I have had to make to date.  I know that I am prepared and that the people who love me will love me always no matter what happens.  In my heart I know that I will be ok but my mind, my inner hater, tells me I'm not ready yet, that I don't have what it takes.  Fuck you, hater.  Seriously.  

"...let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself"

-Franklin D. Roosevelt

That's so real.  So, what am I going to do?  I get into this cycle with work where I need to pay my bills so I work but then I'm exhausted.  Tapping into my creativity after not utilizing it at all feels impossible.  I have to remember to make the things that matter most to me a priority.  That means praying, writing and shooting.  This also means that I will buy myself a new computer so that I can upload footage to work on editing to improve my vision.  I will budget money better so that I don't have to take every job that comes my way because of some wack scarcity mentality.  This will allow me to stay in the creative mindset longer to actually see my vision clearly and create it.  Making this decision is an act of faith.  I have been extraordinarily protected and will only have the opportunity to win if I truly tune in and take care of me.  That's what I'm here for anyway.  Besides, this site isn't called "Inspire the Wackness/Complacent/Fearmonger", so I'm going to leap.  I have to...I owe it to myself.  I'm going all in because I'm sure as hell not going home.  

100.


Bright

Believing in the Unseen = Faith

I'm inspired by Clarence, thanks for the blog post:
http://aconvowithgod.blogspot.com/2010/04/universal-law-of-faith.html


Most of us never put ourselves “out there”. What that means is we don’t go after particular goals because we don’t believe we can obtain them. Before we can go after something, we must first believe it’s possible and have faith. I realize that most people’s so called “lack of work or effort” is really a direct reflection of their lack of faith. When we do not believe it is impossible for us to act. We later blame our unproductive lives on a lack of opportunities but opportunities are everywhere, in plentitude.
 
I received a call from a friend to enter a modeling contest online. Now what I didn’t know is he told about 25 of his girl friends on Facebook. 2 of us decided to enter. The other contestant entered and said that she had been a finalist in their previous contest years ago. I could definitely see why she had just cause to enter the contest again. Now on paper I’m only 5’4, and far from thin (I like to think I’m wonderfully curvy) so becoming an industry model wasn’t exactly something I was planning to become. But it just so happened that this particular contest was about hair and facial attributes which means height was a non-factor and so was weight to a certain extent. It made me realize that there is always a particular way to do almost anything even goals that seem very restricted or incredibly limiting.

In my friend's blog, he talks about one woman's faith. More specifically, he talks about a biblical story in which a woman in need of healing approaches Jesus. When she finally sees Jesus in the crowd, she makes a decision she is going to touch him, and she also "knows" that she is going to be healed. But that makes me wonder several things. What made her know that she was going to be healed? Did she make that decision beforehand, that if she ever saw Jesus, she would touch him regardless of who was there and she would become healed? There is a Universal Law…it’s proven in religion and physics that “what goes towards comes towards”.

It’s the scientific law of cause and effect. The issue is most people don’t realize that the cause is our thoughts or more specifically, our original decision to go after a particular goal. In my situation, the cause was making a definite decision to enter the contest. The effects are all the actions that happened after that decision. The woman in the story decided she was going to be healed, and so it happened.

Most of us like to think that things “just happen” to us. We think we are born lucky or born fated to disaster. Wrong.

Once I decided to enter, I then ACTED upon that initial decision, immediately. I sent out an email to all my folks and then I sent out a link on facebook to get people to vote for me. This was the scariest part. I had no idea what was going to happen next. But it was too late. I had already acted upon my decision. This is where I encourage people who are going after a particular goal to do something that makes them commit to their decision. The best way to do this is to tell other people about it. If I had waited to send out the email another day, my inner hater would have destroyed me (fear is no joke). I started thinking limited thoughts right after I sent out the email. “What if no one votes for me?” “What if folks don’t think I should be a model?” "It's just an online contest, is it worth any effort?"

But it was too late…I had already sent it. And the next two days something crazy happened, I was part of the Top 8 immediately. I was totally surprised. And then my co-worker told me something that I’ve told myself over these past 3 months. He said, “If you’re going to go after something, you might as well decide you’re going to win at it and be successful.” And, throughout this whole competition, not one person has ever said, “I don’t think you should have entered”. Imagine that! But most of us…oh no we totally sabotage our best intentions. We don’t say that we’re winners. Instead we say things like “I’m just going to enter the contest and see what happens. I don’t really care anyways.” "I'm not going to go after (fill in the blank) because I don't think I can do it. And if I try it, and I fail, people will think I'm stupid."

From the beginning, I decided my plan of action would be to send out 2 emails per week to my friends/fam and to send a daily reminder on facebook, in order to remain in the TOP 20. It started out WONDERFUL (beginner’s luck huh), I was part of the Top 8, then the Top 10, later the Top 20…but then I fell off completely after 3 weeks. My dad called me and said you need to do more. But I was already executing my plan. Maybe I needed to give more in my emails, so I started incorporating stories. More phone calls came in to let me know I wasn’t part of the “Top” group anymore. YIKES! I started to panic, but I realized that I was doing everything in my capacity to act upon my goal. Then came the inner hater, "Relax, it's just a contest!" You can quit now and know one will really care that you started it". Or I could just believe that I was going to be in the Top 20, after all, I had put forth effort.

A week later, I walked into work, and someone yelled out to me, “Hey Shak, you’re number 6! What did you do over the weekend?” I was FLOORED. I couldn’t believe it. Did more people start voting for me? Was their a glitch in the matrix? Or….

The next month, the same thing happened. I was holding on to #19 for dear life and then I was bumped off completely. Now there were over 1000 women in the contest, and my friends let me know that there were billboards up everywhere. Folks at my job told me they heard about the contest over the radio. I wanted to panic again…but I was dealt with this just a month ago. I was sticking to my initial plan of action. I didn’t want to inundate my friends with any more emails and I didn’t want to fall into a competitive mind set. I decided I was going to just wait and relax. (BTW, I never sent messages on facebook like “PLEASE VOTE FOR ME NOW, I NEED YOUR VOTES BECAUSE I’M ABOUT TO LOSE MY SPOT”). I always sent messages thanking people for all of their help. I decided in the beginning that I would only send out positive messages of thanks and no messages of panic.

Last week, I bumped up to number 8 from 23/24. Now, I have no reasonable explanation for why this happened as I’m not that skilled and savvy to have a reporting system that captures all of the votes. But I was nonetheless really pumped by the results. And what was to come next?

More obstacles…most recently, I’ve had a few folks close to me, hate on this endeavor, underhandedly of course. In the past, I would act secretly towards a goal without telling anyone because of fear of these types of obstacles. But with this goal it is impossible to not “put oneself out there”. My friend asked, “What are you going to win again?” in a condescending tone. “When is it over? Wow, that’s a long time for just a contest.” I was actually offended and hurt. But one thing I’m learning through the process is to remain detached personally from others, thanks Bright. We only give off to others what we feel inside. And so we should not take what others say about us personally, although it is hard to do when we care about people.

I’m convinced by simply DECIDING to go after our initial goals we become changed, we become more, and some of us become believers. We gain the ability to really have faith in the unseen. There are now 1240 women in the contest, I’m number 14 which in mathematical terms, I’m part of the 1% group. How awesome is that?

With only 2 days left, I’m going over my initial reason for entering the contest. Initially, I thought whoooo hooooo, with $5,000 I can do this and that like take a lil trip and film some material. I also thought, I could use the contest itself to promote the plays I’m in…but something else happened. I ended up writing stories, and sharing them with people. And now I look forward to writing stories, it’s not about the contest or the play, how about that? God is so clever. I received so many responses over the past 3 months, I feel like I’ve already won a major prize. We never know how we find our paths you know. We just have to submit to the process and stay open. We often say I won’t do this or that but we can be blocking the very thing that brings us joy. We have to fight fear DAILY or else we end up doing much of the same which is often not doing much of anything.

P.S. http://www.thegreatmodelsearch.com/profile.asp?CustomerID=23

Shak
100.

I'm not who you think I am

I’m an artist? WHAT? You got to be kidding me.


No matter what we do, we can only see so much of ourselves, especially when we’ve been living life according to someone else’s plan. And sometimes our friends or our family that “know” us well are comfortable with seeing us only under a certain light. So if you embark on figuring out who you really are and it looks very different than who you are today…MADAY…MADAY…you’re going to be under attack. Not just from friends and fam, oh no, your deadliest adversary is reading this blog write now. YOU!

At one point, maybe about 2 years ago I got the best advice from a co-worker at my current gig even though I didn’t ask for it. Don’t you love that? I was talking to a friend that sits next to me, telling her how it’s sooo weird that I always meet artists, especially right before they’re about to blow up. I told her how most of the guys I’ve dated are in the arts/entertainment world but I dismissed it to living in LA. I’ve often thought maybe it was just meant for me to assist creative talent. I had helped several people to date including students and friends alike. It’s funny how it never crossed my mind, not once, that just MAYBE I might have been one of those crazy, creative people. I remember going on and on, telling my homie that I just attracted talent for some odd reason regardless of where I worked. I could be at a bank and I would happen to find the one rapper, writer and model in the entire building. Even when I was a teacher, I was a magnet for the lunch time rappers and the school’s fashionistas.

That’s when my other co-worker cut me off. Apparently she was eavesdropping the whole time. Don’t you love the cubicle layout? Everyone and their mom can hear what you’re talking about. She first blurted out that I was in denial, and that the reason why I was always meeting artists and creative talent is that obviously I am an artist. Then she looked at me and said, “Why are you wasting your time here?” WOW. It’s not everyday that someone tells you who you are unapologetically. Well, actually people do it all the time, we just don’t listen. She wasn’t the first person to tell me that. It was just the first time I really heard it. Me=Artist I could never get that concept pass all the fuzz. You know, “Get a real job!”…”Oh, you left your real job to become an artist?”…
Hmm is that why I had left teaching to go into the music business? It always amazes me how strangers can see us plain as day but we set up smoke screens for ourselves. Ironically, over time, I had grown increasingly frustrated with the artists I worked with because they just wouldn’t commit to the path and GO ALL THE WAY. Maybe, I was really angry at me. And there she was before me, she was a mirror.

I had like one of those Twilight Zone moments where the room started to spin around me. LOL It’s a real painful eye-opener when you see yourself for the first time. It’s like coming out of hibernation, the light hurts at first. You start to think back to all these moments that defined when you were most happy and you wonder why you’ve been hiding from who you are.
But why was I so afraid to be the real me? Subconsciously by helping producers, rappers, skateboarders, football players, I was helping myself. And God was so generous to show me the talent that went all the way to the top. Sure I witnessed the starving artist but I also glimpsed happiness. We can only be who we are truly meant to be. I was pushing all the talent around me in order to push myself. If you want to find yourself…LOOK AROUND…see who you are. The path is all around you. WWWWWWWWWWAKKKKKKKKKKKKE UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!

Shak
100.