The Struggle of Being Who We Really Are

Dear Wannabe (Me),


I remember the scene in the Matrix where the Oracle spells out what’s written in her kitchen, “Know Thyself”. But what does that mean? Are we aware of how we come off to others? Are we aware of our inner most thoughts? Not really. The bulk of us have carefully designed an outwards persona with much deliberation, highly skilled effort and laborious detailed attention. The REAL us is somewhere buried, smothered by all the layers of pain, anger and loss. I believe we began masking when our scars first formed. It happened long ago when we reached out to be loved from our mother/father/sibling/wife/husband and no one reached back with love.

We tell our selves, “I’m never going to trust a woman again”. Or we start reading books like the "Art of War" in order to cope in our collectively created world that is deemed dangerous and not to be trusted. Some of us have spent our entire lives MASKING and I’m not talking about Mardi Gras even though that has something to do with the tradition. As Kanye said, “they make us hate our self and love they wealth.” Interesting…who is they? And why do we hate our selves so much? Why is money the fall guy?

Leave it to the pansies, the feelers, or the Empaths of this world to attempt to answer those questions. I happen to be one of these people. Amongst us are the crazy folks that we call actors, ironically. Just when the rest of the world is strapping on their weapons of mass defense; these guys are seeking ways to disarm themselves. They go on voyages to places others have labeled forbidden such as the exploration to inner self. It is there where we unlock the good, the bad and the ugly. It is there where the fiercest battles are raging. I’m not sure who Kanye was referring to when he said “they”. Perhaps, the real “they” is us. I think what Ye was saying is very true. We don’t like who we are too often. And we try to hide it from the world with a little Vuitton or Gucci.

Yesterday, I found myself in a Method Acting course based on the Ivana Chubbuck method. For those of you who don’t know, the “Method” as it’s been famously phrased has a number of definitions. But for me it’s a series of acting techniques to disarm actors from their public personas in order to discover who they really are . Sounds a lot like a psych class right? That’s actually pretty accurate. The only difference is instead of talking about your problems behind closed doors with a therapist; you’re on display, on stage, on set working it all out. ACTION!!!

Previous to this class, I had told myself several times that I would enroll in a class like this one. But I was always reluctant for good reason until Bright said she wanted to go and I decided to tag along. I was skeptical that a class that exposed a person’s deepest, tormented moments could become counterproductive. I mean I already know that the brain doesn’t know the difference between what is real and what is pretend.  That means reliving the past could be dangerous.  However, I’ve spent countless hours and years with my inner most feelings, trying to see the patterns of why I am the way I am.  In fact, I feel like the bulk of what I do day in and day out is help others get in touch with what they are feeling at that moment.  After high school teaching, I’ve never really been afraid to expose myself in order to get others to come out into the open air and speak freely.

But boy does it cause a lot of controversy when you're not pretending, I mean acting. Sometimes family and friends fall back when they're around me, they don’t like that feeling of being exposed or to talk about their inner most feelings. After all, who am I to see and to speak on what they have tried to hide for years? But that is an actor’s job to see and to feel what others can’t or don’t want to reveal. We’re like detectives watching body language, listening to tone (anything) to give away a person’s true intent. We need to figure out a person’s motivation in order to do our thing. And we all know that motivation is tucked deep inside a person’s heart and mind.

And there I was in the second to last row of the small theatre observing all the actors who were fearful of truly exposing themselves. At one point during an exercise, a young nurse emerged onstage with her own personal story; I found myself sobbing beyond belief. She revealed being in an abusive relationship, wanting to end her life and feeling helpless. She didn’t have to say anything though; her whole demeanor and energy gave away her personal sadness. After she spoke, I had to give her a hug. Actually Bright and I both gave her hugs. Part of it was for her, the other part was for me; I felt drained and depressed. I looked at the actors as a microcosm of the real world. How could it be that the world was without this much love? Where were the happy stories, the actors gleaming with joy? Sadness.

Up until now, I’ve been performing freely, somewhat a vigilante in the acting game using nothing but instincts on stage. I’ve taken two classes (that don’t look good on a resume), one in acting theory and the other in film technique. But when I’m “acting”, I use my life’s experiences; the highs and the lows. But perhaps it will do me good to study a format, a prescribed method. I have to admit, I’m always skeptical about formats, procedures and regimented ways of study. I believe our best teacher is ourselves.

But maybe there was something else lurking. In the last few months I was beginning to avoid acting all together like I had once decided to avoid teaching.  I knew what it was but I begin to squirm in the back of the theatre as the teacher actually said it out loud during the last 10 minutes of class. He said something like, “actors get paid the big bucks because they are willing to EXPOSE themselves front and center to the world. The rest of the world doesn’t want to deal with their “shit” so they watch us squirm, cry, bleed and suffer in order for viewers to say, ‘oh I know how that feels’.”

I was back at square one. I remember being a brand new teacher in class. I felt naked. I had no instructions, no books, no nothing but ME.  It's funny, teachers go to college to learn how to become teachers of methodology and subject matter experts.  But how can you teach a single child when you don't know who you are?  It's impossible.  Anywho...That’s when I first discovered who I was. The kids were intent on sniffing me out; they had disposed of 6 other teachers before me who had decided to play the “role” of teacher. That wasn’t going to cut it with these kids. I felt like crying, screaming, and quitting. Why wouldn’t they just accept me as the Professional that I am? Professional, smessional…kids know real from fake. PERIOD! All those fancy higher education degrees don’t matter with kids. They see through the BULL. They know if you’re there for a check or if you care about them.  They also know if you have something to hide.  When you hide, it's GAME OVER.  They don't believe you.  In the words of Jay, "...you need more people."  And after week one, something happened.

I let down my guard completely and was me. And one by one, all the bad ass kids came forward like a right of passage. They started to trust me. They showed up, listened and most of all they begin to believe in me. It was the weight of that responsibility that drove me out of the game. What if what I was teaching them was untrue? I wanted them to live COURAGEOUSLY to become more than their parents and their circumstances. But the environment suggested I was wrong. It countered me step by step with blows from every direction. It whispered, “don’t get caught slippin, watch your back’”, “get money by any means necessary”, and “women can’t be trusted”. Damn, I was just a 22 year old kid with high hopes, armed with a chubby cheek smile and passion. What if one’s environment conquered the soul I thought? And when I left the class for music it almost conqurered mine.  But I digress...

Perhaps I was too young to counter the world’s push back while I was in the classroom.  I remember Ye in the class saying the music game was worse than the dope game.  LOL  You would've thought I listened but I'm stubborn and off to the music industry I went.  To my detriment I couldn’t “mask” in the music business.  I was damaged goods by their standards. I was too open, to trusting, too transparent. In fact, that move costs me more than I care to mention. The only people I really got along with were the artists themselves.   This place is no place for an artist, for an open soul. Our current world that’s filled with rampant fear feeds on negativity, scarcity and lack. Some artists can’t survive those bitter blows because inside they feel differntly, they're creators. Several develop drug habits to numb the pain. And in the back of the theatre, I felt that weight again.

Why did I want people to see themselves in the first place? Most artists were never fully appreciated or worse off they were ostracized until a gazillion years later when folks said, “AHA”.  Did I really want to go down this path? At least the kids in the class were genuine and made me laugh. 

Besides, I had found a cool place to hide out in life…an office filled with some really laid back folks. Why go back on the battleground? People are content watching reality TV, jazzlin’ their lil lives away.  Most people ARE NOT READY to see who they are and God forbid if you’re the one to show them.  I’ve made that mistake waaaaay too often. Show a person their talents, they might resent you. Now they can’t ignore their abilities. Show a person their strength.  And they can no longer act weak.  Perhaps the biggest lesson I’ve learned most recently is, don’t give others visions of grandeur about what they could become in this lifetime as Rick James might say.  If they’re fearful of becomming more, they’ll resent you and they'll think that you're judging them.  Somehow, when you're open, like a mirror you tend to expose too much of others.  And folks either fight or flee.  

There is a price to pay to try to inspire/change/teach others. There is a price to pay to inspire/change/teach yourself to become more and brighter. That price is usually solitude.  It’s like my reoccurring dream of me high up on the skyscrapper and I'm alone.  My dad always tells me that “no good deed goes unpunished”. I always hated that quote. Why would good be punished? Jay Z uses that quote on Drake’s new album.  He admits that his path in music altered him for GOOD.  On the song “light up’ he says, “...And since no good deed go unpunished/ I’m not as cool with ni**** as I once was/ I once was, cool as the Fonz was/ But these bright lights turned me to a monster/ Sorry, mama,/I promised it wouldn't change me /But I would've went insane had I remained the same me.”


That saddens me.  But I feel him.  Man do I feel him. 

Then again, art may be the only safe ground for those seeking change in this external world. I can always fall back on…it’s just pretend, right?  I'm just an actress.  I don’t know for sure though. People say having empathy is a gift. But often times, it feels like a curse in this world. No one wants to feel unless it isn't real. 

To be continued…
Shak
100.