Narcissus by Caravaggio
I've found that a lot of people misconstrue narcissism with self awareness. My desire to understand myself better enables me to be a better artist, friend, mate, sister yadda yadda yadda. The difficult part of that journey is that many people are not on the same page. I want to share my stories, the triumphs and failures because we can all learn from them. The failures enable me to have compassion and empathy. I am working to overcome my disappointment within when I feel I have slipped back into some previous way of being or thought process. I mean, damn, haven't I outgrown that by now?! The trouble is that when I think I've overcome something intellectually it may rear it's ugly head in a new form and here we go. That tells me that what ever that habit may be, like having a cigarette when I'm out drinking with friends from time to time, is that subconsciously "I ain't there yet." But it's painful for a person like me who strives for perfection (gotta figure out where that comes from) because I see that others are a work in progress but it's difficult for me to accept it of myself at times. Intellectually, I understand it but subconsciously, I have to be more, do more. The gift and the curse. That means that I won't take "no" for an answer, I'll persevere through anything and at the same time when I faulter, sometimes I beat myself up terribly. I, too, am unreasonable. How else to you get unreasonable results? Do the seemingly impossible?
What have I been learning? ....Well, something I now know is the strength in communicating properly. What may seem obvious to me may not be to someone else who really cares about me. So, that means being more assertive about what I think and feel immediately because that could cause a rift that was unintended. My sensitivity is a strength not a curse. For instance, I l-o-v-e the dvd extras and there's this director named, Gabriele Muccino, who directed "Seven Pounds" and "Pursuit of Happyness". What Will Smith loves about him is that he is so in touch with his feelings. I saw that my gift of empathy will enable me to connect with people on a deeper level. However, if I try to fight that then my actors, crew, friends, etc. will come off equally repressed. Funny, right? The people around us are a mere reflection of what's within. My digging to become more aware of self even shows up in the books I read. I went to Borders to pick up several books on screenwriting and could only find two of the ones I was looking for and picked up another book because Shak mentioned something about psychology (message) just before I walked into the store. I didn't find what I wanted instead I found what I needed. Both books speak explicitly about uncovering self to delve deeper into your characters.
I'm remembering to remember to listen to my inner wisdom. Still don't have that down just yet but I'm making strides. I was on set the other day talking to Shak about something quasi personal and a young lady happened to be standing within earshot. Normally, I would not continue to speak but something within told me to continue because she needed to hear what I was saying. Sure enough, as soon as I got off of the phone she came over to tell me that she heard what I was talking about and then offered me a "life gem", she told me of a book entitled "The Four Agreements." Tomorrow, I'm headed to Borders, again.
This I know for sure (what up Ms. WINfrey!)...when I share myself with others I am truly giving and that's the most amazing feeling.
100.
Bright
p.s. it's almost our birthdays!!!!! wahoooooooooooooo :)
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