Frustration

I haven't been able to sleep well for a minute now.  This morning I woke up and was still out of it, annoyed.  Got up at 3:30a to do my daily work out and was so frustrated, feeling defeated.  I've found myself feeling resentful and jealous.  Why?  Because my dreams have yet to come to fruition.  I see the people around me, those I love most doing it, being it.  But me...not so much.  I felt fraudulent.  I have all of these visions and ideas and still...nothing.  Nothing has come to life.  The webisodes that didn't pan out, different people who have flaked on projects, miscommunication and there's me.  What if this never happens?  What if I'm all talk and no show.  I can't stand those people but what if I'm one of them?  I am not a hater but I felt a disheartened part of me growing inside.  This ish is so important to me, of the utmost importance but nothing seems to be coming.  I am trying so damned hard.  Knocked on so many doors, done so much research...What am I supposed to do?  

Sitting in my trainer's car after I told him I had to leave, he talked me back down to reality.  He told me to take a deep breath and to just. breathe.  I shared my anger and frustration through tears.  Why can't I make it happen?  I'm 28 years old and feel like I have nothing to show for my love of what I aspire to do.  He told me that just like I told him a few days prior that I have to keep going.  That I have so much to be thankful for and to remember that.  He told me that I don't know the actual course of action that will take place to get me there but that place is still where I'm going.  I just have to continue to forge ahead.  He said, when they do the "True Story of..." are they gonna say "oh, she struggled for a year or 2 but everything was ok"?  That won't inspire people.  He reminded me of the people I give my love and support to, including himself.  The people I don't let fall.  He turned the mirror on me and showed me my true self.  The happy positive self, he reminded me of all that I've done and showed me that glass that wasn't half full at all.  It's nearly full.  Then, we saw a falling star.  Wow.  I had to laugh and smile. :)  

I have to fight my tendency to stress that which I don't have control over.  What I do have control over is how hard I push and for how long I'll go.  So, I'm remembering to remember that I've decided this path (or is it the path that chose me? lol).  And that I really am grateful for everything and everyone, including the people who don't want to be involved.  When I think I can't give anymore I have to go even harder.  And for how long?  Until the wheels fall of this thing.  Like Diddy circa '97 and beyond, "Can't stop, won't stop."  hahahahaha 

 

You can go hard or go home.  Choose your own adventure.

100.

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