The last 3 years have been totally enlightening about me. I’ve studied me inside and out. And in 07 I made one of the greatest discoveries about who I was. That’s crazy, we live with ourselves forever, and we still don’t know much about who we are. Imagine that!
I discovered that since I was little, I was always “raising myself”, and “doing me”. Somehow, someway my mom had decided that I was capable of taking care of myself at a very young age and that in contrast my brothers needed her. No biggie right? That’s dope, I’m so mature that I can take care of myself even at the age of 5. But that’s when it happened…looming somewhere in the dark abyss of my mind, I had created a shadow self.
I discovered that since I was little, I was always “raising myself”, and “doing me”. Somehow, someway my mom had decided that I was capable of taking care of myself at a very young age and that in contrast my brothers needed her. No biggie right? That’s dope, I’m so mature that I can take care of myself even at the age of 5. But that’s when it happened…looming somewhere in the dark abyss of my mind, I had created a shadow self.
I had unconsciously developed a serious insecurity. I was left alone. And I couldn’t tell anyone that I was alone, or that I couldn’t handle doing everything by myself because after all, I was the one that was the shinning example for my brothers. But the more I was able to do by myself, the more everyone around me started to think I could do even more by myself. And so it was created…the beast within was formed. A monster that’s part brutal will and perseverance, determined to accomplish and master all in its path; part no excuses, if its up to me, it will be accomplished regardless of the odds; and part no emotions, I will endure the pain and loneliness of walking this solo path. I will feel nothing in order to win. But had I felt nothing? Was the beast within not suffering?
That’s when I first discovered it. It had a serious side affect; the type that would unconsciously unleash itself on those that would be drawn close to me. It needed to keep someone around long enough to know that it wasn’t really alone. AHH HA!
When I first saw that truth in myself, I totally rejected it. Like not me, not the kid. I don’t need anyone! Look what I’ve done! Look what I’ve accomplished! I can do it all alone! But the beast within stopped cooperating with me and started to cry out. It started agonizing about its pain. And as much as I tried to keep it silent, it only screamed louder. It was tired and angry for doing everything alone, it no longer wanted to keep up the charade. It was growing very weary of helping those who weren’t willing to help themselves just so I wouldn’t be alone. And about a year ago, without my permission, it told me it would no longer be silent and sit on the sidelines.
The monster within unleashed itself from my grasp and has been on a mission ever since. When it feels something, it speaks up no matter how hard I try to conceal its true identity. And the beast is brand new. It’s crude around the edges, speaking awkwardly for the first time about its emotions and feelings. Sometimes it roars and speaks recklessly to others demanding that they step up and do their part and to stop relying on me. I believe that one day it will be poised, it will be tamed and the beauty will flow from it; speaking in prose rather than fragments. I will no longer be afraid of it, I will welcome its presence and we’ll become one: transformed into the woman that I’m meant to be.
When I first saw that truth in myself, I totally rejected it. Like not me, not the kid. I don’t need anyone! Look what I’ve done! Look what I’ve accomplished! I can do it all alone! But the beast within stopped cooperating with me and started to cry out. It started agonizing about its pain. And as much as I tried to keep it silent, it only screamed louder. It was tired and angry for doing everything alone, it no longer wanted to keep up the charade. It was growing very weary of helping those who weren’t willing to help themselves just so I wouldn’t be alone. And about a year ago, without my permission, it told me it would no longer be silent and sit on the sidelines.
The monster within unleashed itself from my grasp and has been on a mission ever since. When it feels something, it speaks up no matter how hard I try to conceal its true identity. And the beast is brand new. It’s crude around the edges, speaking awkwardly for the first time about its emotions and feelings. Sometimes it roars and speaks recklessly to others demanding that they step up and do their part and to stop relying on me. I believe that one day it will be poised, it will be tamed and the beauty will flow from it; speaking in prose rather than fragments. I will no longer be afraid of it, I will welcome its presence and we’ll become one: transformed into the woman that I’m meant to be.
Until that day, I can’t make any promises. It’s still learning how to speak out, how to lean on others and cooperate. It’s still fumbling its way around, sometimes hurting others with a sharp tongue or literally pushing others to do what they say they will do. But the beast is free and I welcome its new found tyranny because it’s finally freeing Me.
Shak
100.
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