So, I've been m.i.a. for a minute now and I wanted to talk about it. I was feeling pressure to create something dope &/or profound or ultra insightful. But pressure from who? Shak? The blog gods? lol Nope. As I break it down it seems quite ludicrous because it's me. I felt like in order to share I had to have had some epiphany or something amazing happen. The truth is that has all happened and I still know I don't know or get everything 100%, although I'm really trying to. lol I felt like I needed to have some long involved story to share in order for a post to be meaningful but I realized just now (seriously, just now) that's not it at all. As long as it's honest then it's meaningful to me, anyway, and maybe someone else out there in the cosmos. :)
In 2010, I came to truly understand that I'm as much a Producer as a Director, jumped out of a perfectly good plane, did a triathlon, fell in love, bought an iPhone and went to vegas for the first time in life. That's just a taste of what I didn't share. Geez. Bless my heart. lol
The Director-Producer story: So, I met with that amazing DP I spoke of in earlier posts, Yash, and we had some great meetings regarding this documentary I am planning. The meeting started out as a Director and Cinematographer bouncing creative ideas off of one another. Super awesome. Then, we got down to discussing the nuts and bolts of actual execution and I had to switch into Producer mode because that's the other role I am playing. It was fine at first but then I had to start saying "Let's try to figure out another way to do that because of money." And then I had to use the "n" word..."no." Argh!! It was all warm and creative and fun and then I had to go and be the Producer. Yash wasn't upset with me or anything, it was more of an inner turmoil matter because when I got into my car I felt a bit drained. I felt like, "man, this isn't what I want to do. I want to be a Director. Be creative and just have fun, man!" But that producer is another aspect of me, another facet that has to be expressed, as well, and I am not maxing myself out if I shun that part of me from the sun. I know what that entails and can and do it well. I must remember to remember to be grateful for that every second as much as the creative vision. I understand that my initial internal push back was me feeling like I was in the mode that I have to be in my job-job, which is disconnected from the actual creative element. The gift is that I can utilize the on-the-job training in my own creations. This was the first time I had to really go there and now I feel so incredibly fortunate to be able to use so many skills. Ahhh, I'm such a winner. lol
More later...gotta get some shut eye :) Until next time....
100.
Bright
For all artists there is this real and tangible struggle. I think it's fueled by our belief in who we are and what we're capable of producing. Some of us say we're afraid to quit our jobs because of bills and financial constraints. I'm now mature enough to know that's not where my REAL fear lies. And I don't think that's where most artists' fear lies. The real truth is...we're afraid to jump out and to feel that "we're not good enough". We've decided to create. But what if no one loves our creation? Where will we be? Who will we be? And it keeps us up late into the night. It stifles our creativity. We battle ourselves, we can't take any steps forward. Some of us quit, the fear is too great. Some of us become bitter. And we use the money excuse to cover our greatest insecurity.
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