We Can Be What We Will Ourselves To Be...

Man,

I will get that damn monologue filmed even if it kills me and it's just me and the web cam.  On our last day of class we all put up our work.  But the camera guy, the coolest guy Will, wasn't able to make it that day. And I was really happy with the end result of the piece.  Not that it was perfect, but it was far from my beginning.  I've realized that's what intrigues me most about this process of creating.  You always end up somewhere far from the beginning if you put in the work.  And one day you look up and realize that you are someone totally different that what you were 1-2 years ago.  How amazing is that?  I remember the day I decided I was going to start acting.

No I wasn't 4 years old.  I never had any particular draw to become famous or to sign autographs.  LOL  I never thought about it actually except for when my older bro would use me for his Twilight Zone reenactments.  It wasn't really until a few years back that I gave acting any thought.  In fact, I'm the type of person that is sooooo caught up in the NOW it's really hard to plan for tomorrow.  With that said, from time to time I decide to become something different in life, something more.  Most of the time it's when I get this feeling that I can't do anymore for that particular role in life OR I've discoverd another passion.  It's the most EXCITING thing too.  I've been a student, a girlfriend, a best friend, a lover, a high school teacher, a music producer's manager, a corporate trainer and now an actress.  Friends of mine say I get obsessed.  This total burning desire to go after something with all my heart.  But the only thing that I try to do with each of these particular roles is WIN.  That means I try my best to go all in, give it my all, give what I have to give and learn as much as possible.  I don't always succeed.  I've had several failed relationships, and a most painful experience within music which I loved dearly.  But I do PLAY the game.

In my experience, the thing that baffles me the most in life is that there are so few players.  I have yet to quite figure it out as of today the reason why.  Acting is by far one of the most exhilarating games I've played thus far.  I haven't really even started but I'm so enthused.  It's the performance.  The ability to capture something and create it to be whatever you wish it to be.  I think that's total freedom.  And if you're lucky, you can make someone feel something that you're feeling.  That's power.

I can't wait for the perfect role that I may have to create for myself if it doesn't show up soon enough.  I wish to create a beautiful character out of a most ugly situation or predicament.  :)  Wish me luck. 

P.S. The monologue will be up before long.  It's called "Rest Assured" by Joseph Arnone.  I'm sure it will resonate with those of you who have gone through great lengths to reach a goal to no avail.  The pain of not reaching a particular dream seems unbearable for a time.  At least it did for me.  Until I woke up one day from my heartache...and met someone who hadn't dared to live out any dream at all. He told me his pain was much worse.  That's when I woke up and starting living again, dreaming another dream that's bigger in scope. 

Shak
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