Be careful what you put out into the universe…sometimes it comes back the very next day. Most folks complain that they aren’t manifesting things, but the truth is their thoughts are so scattered they can’t see the patterns. I realize I’m creating things as I go along, some amazing moments and some challenging obstacles.
In my mind, this weekend was going to be AMAZING. I had a hilarious short film lined up, a play performance and a photo shoot for a modeling contest. I mean what could possibly go wrong? This is the life I’ve envisioned living, well sort of.
Right before I left work on Friday, I put up a blog on the modeling contest. I had reservations about posting it because of how strongly opinionated it was. BUT being true to who I am, a staunch optimist, I was sick and tired of hearing about all of the complaints and crying about the contest. It is true that towards the end of the contest, votes were severely chopped because of counterfeit votes. It’s also true that on the last day, voters couldn’t vote because the system prematurely shut down for 3 hours but the company extended the votes later in the day. Folks were REALLY frustrated, and I thought I was offering another way to look at the bigger prize. Many women felt wronged. They wanted to vent and to blame the company for their lost. Maybe my timing for posting the blog was really bad and I’m starting to feel like Kanye…alien. It made me think of when I was trying to tell Bright about looking at the pattern of her loosing her keys. She immediately cut me off and said now is not the time. I mean she was still stranded and was working on a solution for getting her keys.
I wrote a blog piece to the women about embracing the process itself. I said all we can do in this contest and in LIFE is to give our BEST. However, I personally feel that we should get upset with ourselves and each other when we are slacking, when we are not doing enough. But that’s not what people do. It’s CRAZY to me, instead we complain and we become disappointed when we finally get off the sideline, and start striving and fall short of our goal. WTF???? YOU’VE JUST BEGUN! You don’t know what you’re doing so you’re going to make mistakes. And when you strive to become more, you’re probably not going to get it right the first time, you might but it’s unlikely. That’s so UNREASONABLE.
When you actually DO something and give a GREAT attempt, you become disappointed with one failure. WHY? Where are the tears, where are the complaints for doing nothing and living dormant? Why don’t people get upset and disappointed for doing NOTHINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG? That’s when you should be angry, that’s when you should point fingers but make sure they point at yourself. Sorry, I’m going on my rant again. But it really pisses me off. I also said something like: real life has obstacles and they seem to come right before our biggest moments but we can’t give up. WHY, I repeat on the loudest bull horn, why did I write that? And so unknown to me at that moment, I had called forth a series of obstacles for the weekend that were quite major. And I was going to be put to the TEST.
My weekend became a mirror of that written piece. I woke up Saturday morning super juiced about filming, incredibly grateful that the entire concept and piece came to me while sitting in a bathtub days earlier and while talking with Bright on Thursday. We went back and forth and it seemed like a dope collabo. I felt like I was on fire again like when I created the hip-hop curriculum.
Saturday morning, I’m up at 5 am about to work out, getting ready for the day. But then I got a call two hours later. A friend of mine, close to me is asking for do-re-mi for BAIL money. WHAT??? Is this the same person who didn’t believe in me participating in the modeling contest? I had two hours before Bright and her boy were setting up at my crib. We talked back and forth for about an hour. I decided NOPE, not going to aid a negative situation or a negative person who I love. And I cried about my decision for 30 minutes. I felt HORRIBLE inside, his dreams where going to be delayed...big dreams. Why do we sabotage ourselves?
Lights…camera…action! Bright and her friend arrive with tons of lighting equipment, props, and snacks. Oh did I mention I’m playing a funny character? I’m a bit surprised, in my mind I thought there was going to be maybe one light, dude’s camera and us just working out the script…filming in order to work out the kinks of the characters. But who knew? I mean it’s super cool we have an actual set, we’re official and best of all Bright got it for free .99.
It’s around noon on Saturday…Bright is looking at the script I sent her a day earlier, oh I forgot to mention, I wrote out the script Friday at 2pm, and revised it at 6pm. And it’s SATURDAY!!! At around 1:30 pm I really look at it for the first time. I’m asking her questions, but she’s in a super, serious mode like she’s at work. She’s revising the script. I’m starting to panic, wondering how are we going to work out the script and shoot when we haven’t even run lines? I mean I want to take advantage of the set but we haven’t even read together. My call time for the stage is at 6pm. My mind is all over the place but I try to focus. I use all the negative energy and channel it into my character…I begin acting nervous. My character is a wreck…a conspiracy theorist.
It’s working…I forget about my morning call and I embrace Jasmine. We run lines till about 5:30 pm, we’re laughing and having a good time and then I’m off. From 6pm -10 pm I’m at Stage 52. I also have a dinner scheduled that evening. I get home at 1:30 am and fall asleep talking with Bright about the film till around 2 am.
I’m up at 8 am, eating b-fast, trying to focus. I feel the pressure starting to take a toll. I’m in a modeling contest and I haven’t even got my hair done, I’m going to look 100 years old. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
They’re back at the house to film and it’s 10 am when they arrive. I’m thinking there is no way in hell I can memorize an entire scene in 3 hours without having hardly any time to “become” my character. I mean the script was written yesterday! I think about my friend, is he in jail now? No phone calls….damn maybe I should have helped him. Why are we rushing? This is supposed to be fun.
We film the opening shot several times…it’s now around 11:30, the pressure is building. I think well maybe we can do this…nope not really. I give a suggestion that we should continue this next week because her friend will be in town or maybe we can do this another time. This is silly we should just call it a day; this is supposed to be a freaking, fun project. It’s getting harder for me to remember the lines I’ve just memorized. What’s happening? What’s the rush? What the hell is going on? Last take…I’m feeling drained, we barely get the shot. I don’t feel good about my performance today. It’s rushed, it’s sloppy. I didn’t get to work any kinks out. I’m off to perform again, stage time.
We discuss close up shots, I know it’s a LONG shot. I ask my hairdresser can she do my hair Monday, I’m trying to give my best. I mean after all Bright got lights, props and her boy is filming. My beautician says no way. She’s made an exception to open the shop for me on Sunday as it is. I call Bright she’s disappointed, she really wanted to finish.
And then it happens, my reaction. Up until that point, I had imagined this scenario so differently. I thought about working out the clothes of the character Jasmine and her nervous mannerisms. I thought about creating, pretending and having fun. Creating had become stressful and not about the creation but about the finished product. I was starting to feel resentful. I wasn’t able to give my best as a performer.
I blow up on the phone. I’m resentful for creating; the play's cast tells me to leave the dressing room, rightfully so because I'm killing thier vibe. I’m angry…I feel exhausted, used up…and RUSHED. I’m on the competitive playing field now, HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? I just wanted to create. I just wanted to have fun. I feel like I’m not ready yet. I’ve been here before.
I leave the stage running to my car, I have a hair apt and thankfully it goes very well, it’s only me inside and it’s quiet, it’s peaceful. I try to relax. She has a brow kit too which is great because I had no time to get my eyebrows waxed. I leave the shop at 8:30 pm. I talk with Bright and tell her how I feel. We both realize there was a big misunderstanding about the shoot. I get to my house for 8:45 and the lights are still up. Bright’s boy makes adjustments and then she starts shooting. It’s almost 10:30. We don’t have all the shots we need but we’re both exhausted. She has to be up for 4:30 on a commercial the next day. I feel bad that she’s still at my house working.
I take off of work, can’t move…totally drained. I wake up at 10 am and my dad comes over to bring me cereal. There is no milk. HA! I log on to take the modeling survey. Finally, I can focus on this project. The page reads the modeling survey has been canceled. HUH? How can this be? I am still within 72 hours. I’ve done the most to prepare for this moment. Or have I? I remember loosing out on the reality show Ultimate Hustler…it comes back in a flash. I was out the night before until 4:30 am with a rapper who I wanted Dame to meet, Bishop Lamont. I was out hustlin' while the other contestants were sleep. How could this happen again?
I feel defeated. But I realize defeat is when we stop. I email the company and ask them if there is a mistake. They tell me they will get back to me. I hear nothing….ALL DAY. I can’t panic. My dad starts complaining, going on a rant about how it’s B.S. for a company to shut down the survey...blah, blah, blah. He sounds like many of the girls in the contest, how ironic. I politely ask him to be quiet…I have to center myself. There is too much noise all around me. I recognize it now. I’m closer than I thought there are all these obstacles appearing.
I take two baths on Monday each time asking God for more focus and for patience. I can not afford to think about the obstacles, it is but an illusion. The truth is there are no obstacles only love, only peace, and only success. I’m mentally exhausted, I’ve ran a mental marathon. I’m meeting my trainer at 2 pm for lunch. Maybe I can get my mind off of the contest. He tells me he won’t be there for an hour. I go to coffee bean for a sugar free mocha, they don’t except Discover Card. I take a deep breath.
I give them my ATM from my other bank knowing there is no money in it. I’ve lost my main ATM card. Next, I kill time at the Car Wash they tell me their card machine is down. I have no cash. I call my dad; he brings me to my bank (thank god for this man). I use my Credit Card to pull out cash, at least my Coffee Bean purchase will not bounce. I’m happy but fighting the urge to call it quits. I just want to sit down and cry.
My car is clean. I arrive at Sizzler and have a great conversation. I vent…but not too much, I don’t want to complain. I don’t want to give in just yet. I go back home. I look up the modeling blog post, and under my blog are a series of rants. Curse words, explosive words directed towards me. Was my post positive? Or was it seeded in competition? Could it be misconstrued as non-compassionate? I remember the email with Bright and Clarence about non-believers. He said I need more compassion towards others.
I told him the world needs more belief. I feel alien again. People want to blame the world for their failures; they do not want to look within. I refuse to take that route, I gave my all…I’m exhausted. I’m confused. I feel like I don’t want to create anymore…it comes lightening fast, and never ends well; maybe I’m not ready to harness its power. I’m afraid I’m going to lose my fire, my inspiration again. It will leave me if I’m not grateful. I think of Jewel’s, the singer’s mom; she told Jewel that she would have to get ready for the world’s energy. People would want more and more of her energy. And if she wasn’t ready and prepared for it, it could destroy her. I smile, and think of Anakin from Star Wars.
I arrive today at work it’s Tuesday. My daily inspiration says, “How do you react to setbacks?” I can’t help but to laugh. “The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” ----MLK It sounds like the blog I’ve written for the contest. Maybe, these tests are helping me get to my next stage.
I keep reading the daily emails, next up “surrounding yourself with the right people”. It mentions folks who belittle your ambitions…hmmm, I’m glad I make my decision about my friend, or perhaps friend isn’t the correct word. He never believed in anything I was creating because he didn’t believe in himself. But I do have compassion for him, it hurts me that he ruined his chances probably right before his big break. Those who live off thier passion do that...we never see ourselves worthy of reaching our goals. Finally, there is an inspirational message about “giving it your all”. You’ve got to be kidding me. It says to forget the past mistakes and press on. I think about the Science of Getting Rich and how it says an apparent failure means you haven’t asked enough.
Wait!!!! I realize I’ve sent the wrong headshots to the contest. My bra strap is showing. Oh well, it is what it is. This is kinda hilarious actually. I’m doing too much and making mistakes. I’m only supposed to do a day’s work in a day. Duh! I gotta pick that book back up. I did wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too much this weekend, I created too many road blocks for myself and for what?
It’s Tuesday, the modeling folks just hit me. They’re giving me another chance to take the survey. I’m still in the running. Maybe I should resend the photos.
Tonight I’m taking a bath with candles and prayer. I have to silence the obstacles within me. We really don’t understand our own power. I know I don’t…yet. I’m still a jedi in training.
Shak
100.
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