F.E.A.R.

F.E.A.R. = False Evidence Appearing Real.  

- Hill Harper

I am not afraid of most things.  I cannot wait to jump out of a plane.  I wasn't afraid to go to Jordan.  I'm really not afraid of dying.  I like going places by myself.  No problem going to dinner alone.  The movies by myself = cool with me.  I am afraid of failure.  I am afraid of not winning at being a director.  I have been going through this whirlwind of emotions and thoughts... So many thoughts.  I am unhappy with my current job.  Not because of the people I work with.  I think they're awesome.  My job is stressful but it's exciting.  The hours are ridiculously long (think 80+ hour work week) but I get to see cool stuff.  I mean in the span of 2 months alone we worked with a live elephant, rhino (yes, a real live rhino!) and Danica Patrick (cooler than a fan).  My problem, my frustration is that I am helping to put out other people's dreams, not my own.  My home is a safehouse for dreamers who grind...My sister, her best friend Sakinah, my friend Damani, my friend Shawn....  These are all people who have made the leap and I love them for it.  But not me.  I haven't made the jump to go after what I want 100%.  For the third time in my life, I feel alone.  I see myself standing at the top of the cliff and watching all of the people I love and admire and brainstorm with one by one smile at me, turn to look at the cliff and take a running jump.  They disappear from my sight for a second and reappear with wings.  They motion for me to come.  "It's ok...it's easy", they say.  But I'm paralyzed.  I look over the edge and wonder if my wings will sprout, too, or am I not special enough.  Maybe they're different than I am, maybe they're better, more talented.  I have tears in my eyes now because I want it so badly and I am ashamed of my lack of confidence, faith, belief.  Where did it all go?  This is NOT me, I feel like an alien in my own skin, in my own mind.  When I found out my mom had cancer, it exacerbated my anxiety.  I felt like time was running out.  I have to show her that she did an amazing job.  She did the right thing.  Prove to her that everything she has gone through having us was a winning move.  "I just wanna be, I just wanna be successful...." keeps playing in my head.  My vision is blurred and I'm having difficulty tapping into the source.  I go go go but feel like I'm running in circles.  What's funny is that when I moved out to LA 5 years ago, I was not afraid in the very least.  I left every person who knows and loves me to make that leap by myself.  I moved clear across the country to fulfill my life's mission without one ounce of nervousness.  This jump somehow seems greater.  And it is, in a sense...This is the most important decision I have had to make to date.  I know that I am prepared and that the people who love me will love me always no matter what happens.  In my heart I know that I will be ok but my mind, my inner hater, tells me I'm not ready yet, that I don't have what it takes.  Fuck you, hater.  Seriously.  

"...let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself"

-Franklin D. Roosevelt

That's so real.  So, what am I going to do?  I get into this cycle with work where I need to pay my bills so I work but then I'm exhausted.  Tapping into my creativity after not utilizing it at all feels impossible.  I have to remember to make the things that matter most to me a priority.  That means praying, writing and shooting.  This also means that I will buy myself a new computer so that I can upload footage to work on editing to improve my vision.  I will budget money better so that I don't have to take every job that comes my way because of some wack scarcity mentality.  This will allow me to stay in the creative mindset longer to actually see my vision clearly and create it.  Making this decision is an act of faith.  I have been extraordinarily protected and will only have the opportunity to win if I truly tune in and take care of me.  That's what I'm here for anyway.  Besides, this site isn't called "Inspire the Wackness/Complacent/Fearmonger", so I'm going to leap.  I have to...I owe it to myself.  I'm going all in because I'm sure as hell not going home.  

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