My Purpose

If only I could change….This year has been an A-MA-ZING year for me. Reason #1 out of 5723 is that I have really begun to see myself. No, not the well-put-together self that people see when you walk out the door in the morning, but the self that you see when you first wake up in the morning. I am so happy that I can start to see her for who she really is because I am taking less time with jazzleing (phony, fraudulent, fugazi in actions, words or ways of being) myself out of doing what I need to and using that energy to actually do something. This began with making the decision to get in shape…for real. When I made up my mind to do it, I said to myself that this was the first day of the rest of my life. I was tired of feeling like crap about myself and NOT doing anything about it. “Those types of people” get on my nerves and I was one of them. What started as something that seemed to be a more superficial change was actually a deeper, spiritual change. The reason is that I had to change my mind about how I was going to handle everything right then in that moment in that space.

This road of self-discovery has been such a profound overhaul of my entire existence that I know I have changed the course of my life. I was at that fork in the road where I could have continued to be a self-loathing person who let life pass me by or I could change one thing…my mind. I have seen the most horrific display of my competitive nature take me out of my element and my focus. While running in Palos Verdes one morning I allowed my competitive spirit to hate on me so much about not being able to catch up with the others that I had difficulty completing a run that I’d already done twice before. I felt sick to my stomach about what was happening internally, and when I tried to come out of it I just kept slipping back into it. There was an actual fight going on inside of me…the prideful versus the martyr, the hater versus the winner, the best me versus the worst me. At the end of it all, I was so disgusted with myself for allowing myself to get to this point of allowing ANYTHING to take me off of my game. It was a pivotal moment because I got to see my reflection on that hill. The beauty in that experience is that I DID see myself for who I really was. Seeing that allowed me to make a decision to work on it because I’ll be DAMNED if that person peaks her head out again. No one is stronger than me, no one can take me out but me…as ‘Ye says in my theme song for ’09 “Amazing,” “…I’m the only thing I’m afraid of.”

If only I could change…if only I could remember to remember that I am the strongest, most compassionate, endearing, inspirational me everyday, I can remind others of that part in themselves. For the last eight months I’ve been working out every morning at 5am. I started out as a person who has never really run a day in her life, I mean if you don’t count kickball and four-square. I came from that to a place where I ran 2 miles outside in 40 degree weather with hills and all while feeling subpar and finished it in the fastest time I had done to date, 19 minutes. I realized from this one accomplishment that at least every week there is something else I accomplish that I thought was impossible. To me, “impossible” is a concept or a word that I’ve used in the past to alleviate myself of the responsibility to complete a task or fulfill a mission. I HAVE to challenge that inner jazzler and hater everyday because through that I AM changing.

100.

Bright

Empower – Inspire