The more things change the more they...well, change

Alternatively entitled 

"The C word"

I've never understood the real ending of that, you know..."the more they stay the same."  I guess someone was trying to be ironic but yeeeeaaaah, not so much.  lol  I digress.  So, I've been trying to decide whether or not I wanted to post this but it's on my mind so, on with "keeping it real."  I found out just under two weeks ago that my mom has breast cancer.  This news shook me to my core.  I was stunned, scared, nervous and a host of other not so great feelings.  What does this mean?  I mean, everything has changed.  My mom is my only mom, you know?  She can't go anywhere AND she's a trillion miles away in Atlanta so, I can't just go see her and feel her energy and know she's ok.  I'd just started a job when I found out and was at a loss as to what to do.  I decided to stay on the job because in order for me to have some kind of piece of mind about going to see her I needed to stack that do-re-mi before I bounced.  The job is almost over and I made it through with only crying on the job once.  

What I am facing is change...dancing in the storm, so to speak.  I was(am) nervous about being strong for my mom.  I know that she needs me to be that way for her so that we can make it through this entire thing.  As much of an "adult" as I felt before the news I felt equally like a little girl afterwards.  I'm not ready to take care of everyone, yet.  I thought about all of the accomplishments that I hadn't made to date to show my mom that she did an amazing job raising me.  I felt overwhelmed.  Shak and my friend Ife have both counseled me on trying to shoulder this alone.  I am learning to set aside my pride and to ask others for help.  Because the truth is I cannot handle this on my own.  I am so happy that my sister was working in Miami and could go up to Atlanta.  At the same time I was pissed that I couldn't do the same.  The real is that Maya(my sister) sacrificed what she was doing on her grind to be there for my mom.  I have to sacrifice not being able to be there right away to make sure that we (my sister & I) still have a place to live in LA throughout this experience.  There are a myriad of emotions I may feel at any given moment.  For the last couple of weeks, I've felt mostly incredibly numb.  Like I just can't let the news permeate me because I have to continue to move forward, to finish my job, to be "strong".  But I haven't completely felt "strong" this entire time.  The strangest thing is that I know that my mom is going to be ok, like I know it in my heart, in my spirit, in my soul.  My faith is not shaken in the least.  I know that it will only get stronger through this.  Faith isn't the absence of nervousness or being afraid, I don't think.  Faith is continuing to take the steps forward to move through in spite of those things.  The other side of that, though, is that I can't control this..this change.  This was a very sobering event that shook me to my core because everything is truly transient.  And amazingly enough, that is the beauty of all existence.  When it presents itself in different forms it looks like an obstacle but when we are on the other side of it we realize that obstacle was really an opportunity.  I'm training myself to see the opportunities at present.  I see the opportunity of being closer with my mom and sister and my friends.  I get to be in the same space with my mom and sister and we haven't been in years.  My friends are allowing me to lean on them for emotional support and I am learning to relinquish that control of having it all together.  I never want to seem like I can't handle a situation or that I'm not strong enough.  I never want people to pity me.  But it's my own fight with my ego that I have to work out.  

I finally balled my eyes out yesterday and it was so cathartic to just let go at Shak's house.  For some reason, I couldn't let myself do it even alone in my own space.  I felt so much better after that release.  What I am learning and why I wanted to share this is that our lives may take a trillion twists and turns on this path to greatness.  This grind and my individual process of growth will shape me to be able to tell the stories that I need to share, to speak to people and inspire them from all of my experiences.  Being a liv-er is not about going through life unscathed, it's about how you heal and flaunt your scars.  lol

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